Just Don't Feel Jolly

I don't feel jolly this year, for the first time in my life. I'm struggling to feel festive in December and I don't even put extra effort after seeing all the memories from Facebook especially for the last 6 years. There are always Secret Santa dinner, Christmas Brunch, Christmas Dinner, Christmas Eve's Dinner, etc. 

In the last two years we host a Turkey Dinner at Gareth's house and that time I have a strong feeling it will be my last Christmas Dinner celebration in Bali. Not that I don't feel grateful now, the fact that leaving the country is never been easy but then again being with the kids is always one of the best things in life. So maybe I will appreciate the limited time I have by chilling and not doing anything with them? Who knows I won't be with them next year, who knows that I don't even wake up tomorrow morning (I wish! Always wish this thing happen recently; close my eyes before I sleep, waking up with a smile in the other part of galaxies and hugging my best two men; Lars and Lee).

So, ya, no Turkey Dinner this year; some friends turn into assholes that I don't even bother to see them anymore. Some are leaving the country, some feel sick because it becomes a yearly routine with the same people. And guess what, it's okay to keep your circle smaller, it's okay to not feeling jolly because maybe Christmas is manifestly not a happy time for us, maybe some causes of downheartedness;

• I miss Lee (and Lars for sure), that passed away recently. Trust me, my body and soul are aches even at the thought of never seeing him again,
• I don't know if I really want to be in Bali this time, I don't know if I can make the kids & their Father's happy by being myself and not trying to be somebody else they'd ever wish for,
• I miss working in a hotel so much, knowing that hospitality is DNA, is open up my eyes that doing something that you don't passionate about is such wasting time,
• I miss Jakarta and the entire craziness; the people, the attire, the lifestyle, the networking, the random things, everything. If the kids are in Jakarta, imagine how perfect this life would be?
• I'm sick of people's judgement. They called me I have an issue and I need to see a doctor because I'm protecting my kids that much, they think I'm such a posessive bitch who thinks I own this "Home Family", they think I'm just a jealous woman who's not spending so much time with him and she feels win because she spend more time, she get all access to the house, she's succesfully introducing someone special and it works, she thinks she wins while my head is not run that way. I just need everyone who post the picture of my kids without our permission is being archived and stop claiming that they are theirs, this could be the most exhausting one; because first, I never compete with other people. We are all not the same, and eventhough I have to be, doh, please, you are out of my league, so stop, stop being so judgemental about what I'm doing and stop act like you know every single freaking things that I have in my life. Will you just stop, please?
• The apology I hear. Some makes me flattered, relieve. Some makes me even more sick, beacuse again "you made a mistake, and I'm the one who have an issue, I'm the one who need to see a doctor" "you talk shit about the things you don't know and I have to accept it just like that because suprisingly it's dissappoint some people", why don't you care about my feeling that time and now I have to understand everybody's feeling. Why?
• The 2020 that excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I don't want to open the previous pages. I tell my circle that life is too short, I want you guys to be happy. You are the only one who understand your happiness, don't depend on anyone. I love my kids till I die, I love their father, too, till I die as well. But the feelings grow apart, we support each other and we don't have to have the form of Falling In Love. For me, keep giving love, to your loved ones, to yourself, because once you falling in love to yourself, others will follow. You don't have to change yourself to being loved by someone, you don't have to change others to being loved by you. You just need to have the courage to release it. Let the things flow, let the things go. Be happy, always be happy. 

 "To yourself, always be true", Lee said. Always, Lee, always.

Last but not least, I would love to say Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to all of you and Happy Holiday. If happen you wish to send some Christmas gift to me, please just donate some to the closest Animal Shelter nearby, that would be the best.

It's okay to not feeling jolly :')

My drawing on 8 November 2019. 

Lee was at the Jakarta airport and did his expense while I listen to Uncle Kracker - Smile.

Right?

Lee,

If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?

Right?

everything i wanted

I used to have someone who will tell me this:

"As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change
The way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you're here
They don't deserve you"

But he's gone.

The details why Billie Eilish wrote this song, is here:

"Billie Eilish’s ‘Everything I Wanted’ Lyrics Contain A Brave Message About Her Mental Health"

Nevertheless She Persisted

I am that woman with a lot of opinions when I am with this someone that I love.

I am protecting my kids with every single breath that I take, with every blood and the life I have. Someone can easily post the pictures with the kids in front of the house, obviously telling where we live easily. Someone claims my Boy is hers. Someone would like to take Roxy even I've been warned him many times. Someone saying who am I taking Roxy with me.

When I re-act into these things, they said I have an issue, I have to go to the doctor. It is an issue and its wired differently.

"You have an issue. You such a bitch."

"Risy, he will never find someone who better than you because your lifestyle, your circle is different, you are always with the highest people in their company with the high-end world and it will make him hard to find who at least equally the same as you."

"You're too high maintenance. You such a bitch."

I remind someone that just because you're a white guy, we Indonesian women not always interest in your cheap jokes. And we are all having a different intellectual background.

"You don't realize you judge his wife who's working as a maid. You're so smart it's intimidating. You such a bitch."

As an observation, the unusual relationship between the boss and the staff is not necessary and it's good to have boundaries between professionalism & personal.

"You're so bossy. You such a bitch."

It's good to have a record of who coming to the house and doing their work and keep the cleanliness at the house.

"You're too controlling, you such a bitch."

Someoe trying to impress his online date and the other one get drunk thinking they have the privilege to speak the trash but don't even understand the struggle I have.

"You don't have a sense of humor. You such a bitch."

There are so many people you don't like to meet I'm confused whether I should invite you and being with you.

"You put your standard too high. You such a bitch."

I know, I know. I'm standing up for myself, I am such a bitch.

The kids are everything in my life that I will love and protect them until my last breath. Please understand that the joke of stealing one of them, posting the pictures in front of the house with the exact address and claiming they are yours, is hurting myself more than you could imagine. It's not that I have an issue, it's you who thinks that you understand every single thing that I dealt in my life.

The guy that I love is working from the sun goes up until the sun goes down again. Respect him by professionally doing your best to get professional recognition, not personal attention. And just because he tried doing his best as back up plan, don't call him crazy or too much. Just because something happened in the past, do not keep losing your respect to him.

The guy that you think too kind and you think you can do whatever you want is giving you a salary. At least keep the cleanliness at the house, don't take anything that not yours, do not let anybody else to the house and don't talk about him behind your back.

The kids and the guy that I love is one of the greatest things in my life that I will protect as long as I live. If you think I'm such a bitch, go ahead.

I don't owe any explanation of how I think I should be treated and I don't need any label from your eyes that only can see, not from the heart that you can feel.

If only people understand, if only people can read the mind and understand the heart easily. If only they know why I have to be such a bitch..

The Moon Song

‘I think anybody that falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.’ – Amy (Her)

The Moon Song 

My drawing on 26 November :') 

and singing with my terrible voice that scares you the most....

"We're lying on the moon

It's a perfect afternoon

Your shadow follows me all-day

Making sure that I'm

Okay and we're a million miles away"

It's Just Too Painful

A month, huh? A month.
Some days I woke up with a smile on my face because I thought I will wake up with tons of messages.
Some days I woke up crying because I know you’re not around anymore.
Most of the days, I wish I never wake up anymore.

It’s more than heartache that I couldn’t describe.
It’s the same tragic love story and glory that broke before it bent. When I found Lars I thought I won the lottery; it’s a jackpot, I’m the happiest. And when he died, that’s all. I don’t want to buy the ticket anymore. Kevin said, "buy another ticket we never know you might win again, Kai".  Nope, I will never.

Then Lee found me, he thoughts he’s the one who won the lottery. It’s hard for him to believe it so he was once run away, he’s afraid if it’s too real, I need to convince him that I am the ones who won the lottery again.

I never higher my standard or decrease my value to make him love me that much. He looks at me like he sees the world, he appreciates that I never change myself for him. I am myself when I’m with him and he’s proud of it. How amazing is that being loved by someone who value yourself, who will open the car’s door for you, who will give his arm to walk you in the stairs, who get up from the chair and look at you like you're everything to him then welcome you to just sit next to him and make sure it’s comfortable? Who will introduce you to all his friends and tell them about you like you’re the greatest person in this world, and he never changes for any second? He’s always done that, he never gets bored of loving me over and over. He’s never getting tired to flirt. His eyes always wide since day one he saw you. He raises you when you feel down and asks you to apologize to yourself because you make yourself down. He supports your mental health and prioritize your happiness, your success and reminds you that you have meaning in this world when you thought you don’t have any.

“You have meaning and purpose. I am calling BS on that. You know it, Kai. Who would Rox and I love if not you? What about your other friends. Please complain if you figure out what you have to complain about. I would give you such a bear hug you would be gasping and then play with your hair until you settle down.”

Now tell me what do you think I should do; waking up knowing two greatest men in this world that you love and love you in return are never be next to you anymore.
You could tell me that I might be mad at God and back to Him for comfort.
You could tell me again that God is such a pretty jealous guy so He took the best two.
You could tell me again that God replacing with the better person.

But you have no idea how life is could be so simple by being loved by someone you love.

So tell me again what do you want me to do other than faking my smiles and my eyes pretend that I am all good I am all happy I am moving on?

This part is the hardest that you might never know :')

Later, AlLEEgator!

It marks a week since Lee left, and I still send him a message like I won’t give up.

My drawing on Sunday noon. Never thought he'd be gone forever.

I swear I'm not ready, I will never be ready to lose him this soon. No one will.

I'm getting used to the habit of not receiving any messages when I wake up in the morning. He always woke up early to make sure that I received his message in the morning, whether he's tired or not, whether he goes back to sleep or not, or no matter he's drunk. He wants me to see his message in the morning with all the crap he sends.

And I'm waiting for the good timing to just throw my phone or deactivate my Instagram. From all the Social Media and all the Apps to talk, Instagram Direct Message is his favorite, he said "Initially because I thought it was an online drug delivery website - but now because I can UNSEND messages. I can redact messages I wanted to say but then got scared of afterward. Perfect for me! Hahaha."

Lee almost always between 2 or 3 while I'm in between 5 or 6.

But now, 9, drowning, dying.

I miss all the 24/7 messages non stop. I miss my morning messages, Lee.

Good Morning, Risya. Do you have any plans?
I hope you are having a better week.
Good morning from…. (wherever he currently is).
I am flirting. I'm doing it again.
Hey pretty lady.
Sending you best wishes and vibes. X
What are you doing?
How are you feeling today?
How are you today?
Apa Kabar Ibu?
How was your day?
Good Morning, have a sunny day!
What have you been up to?
I love talking to you so much.
Just let me love you in peace and you don't need to know.
GM.
Pagi.
Any plans for today?
Latte of Roxy?
What are your plans today?
Shine on, Kai!
Beep beep like a sheep!
Good Morning! Hope all is beautiful and glorious in Bali for you today.
Good Morning, Risya. Hope you slept well.
Any plans for your day?
GM, Kai. I hope you are feeling well.
How is my sunflower today?
I hope you have a great day!
Good Morning, Risya, how are you today?
Pagi! What are your plans today?
What are you doing today?
Good Morning, Sweet Princess!
Good Morning, Risya. How are you this fine morning?
Good Morning, Kai! How are you this morning?

Need to flirt later, you minx. I need to get a wiggle on now.

Later alligator.

In a while crocodile.

…. :(

Dying

I'm dying, dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm dying, dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm dying to live without you again

I'm dying, dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm dying, dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath

I'm dying and I can't live without you
I'm dying and I can't live without you again

Five for Fighting - Dying

Dimensions

I even change my Siri Voice to a Male with British Accent just because I like Lee so much and I miss him a lot at the same time. As usual, he flirts. God, I never found a man who has so much time to flirts on me since the first time he saw me. I'm weak, I am.
I re-watch the HER movie and my wild imagination works well, I wish to have an artificially intelligent virtual assistant personified through Lee's voice and I told him.
Imagine to hear his voice all the time and he's freak out, hahah.
"My dodgy geordie accent", he said. "Those are called night terrors, while you have the well trained professional accent capable of taming the savage beast... i.e...."
"Silky smooth. Yours = sultry, mine = cheeky", he added.

We both are weirdos that in compete of taking the role of "falling in love from the distance" and he always win. Everytime I make a move he will stop me.
"I do the loving from afar in this relationship. Stop trying to take over my role", Lee said.

Yep, this crazy guy loves me that much and Lars could be very jealous. I still don't understand why God take him away from me.

I wrote this while listen to this song: 

Dimensions | HER (Original Soundtrack) by Arcade Fire

With teary eyes, and nervous feeling, hoping this loss isn't real :')

Taken Away Too Soon

Oh come on, God! Give me a break. I just got him back for four months. A constant text 24/7 nonstop and you took him. For the second time in my life, You just took them. I haven’t even done with my grief over Lars and You took Lee.
Can we talk? Are you really a pretty jealous Guy or am I really being punished because I’m too happy?
Death is such a thief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A T.H.I.E.F!
You can talk with someone every day every second and not replying to him for not even a day and he ends up in a hospital having a heart attack. The following days you try to make it up, he’s gone forever.
Why? For f* sake we have so many plans to do and I need that second chance. Please please, please ☹
There’s “I Wanna Grow Old with You” to sing with our bad voice. There’s a Ben & Jerry’s to eat, there are bars he tells the world he would love to take me, there’s a helicopter ride in plan, there are many pictures to be sent, too many jokes to laugh, there are too many cuddles to do, there are nonstop flirting until at least he’s 80 and now he couldn’t even make it. I swear there lots list to go through. And I need him to get up.
Get up, Lee.
Get up.. just get up and come back to me...
I know you will like Lars up there and you guys will laugh about me because I’m probably confused now; two best men in my life who love me the most, the way I am, gone. I don't know where to put the white rose and the sunflower, which death song to sing when I’m sad, who I miss because you’re both not here anymore, whose the guy I marry to, with the same love you guys give or who I end up with when I join you both up there :’)
I will love you in my dream, reality and every dimension we have, Lee. You’re so real in my dream the night that you left and never come back, you’re not saying a thing because you don’t have to. You suited and booted and flirt that much as well.
You’re truly a disaster and I love you, too, you know that.
Rest in peace you the most beautiful soul in my life. I will see you in another dimension, I promise :’)

P.S. Don't fight with Lars just to watch me sleeping in the middle of the night, make a schedule and try not to wake me up, ya, because it's even harder to open my eyes knowing you're not here anymore and waking up without your morning messages is sucks, Lee.

Carry Me Away

I made silly decision of having my own space to have a fresh air.
I regret it,
You don't deserve that.

You know I need you and that's for sure:

John Mayer - Carry Me Away

You're just the kind of crazy I've been looking for

And I'm sorry :(

My drawing today, 11:10 AM

Feeling guilty.

Just Like That

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile

My drawing on 10 Oct 19, 12:10 PM

Because  I always like the unplugged version, you might watch the official video here: Uncle Kracker - Smile

The Loss that Doesn't End

I remember, even though I’m trying not to. I wish there’s no 27 October from all 365 days a year. I wish that Marathon never exist. I wish you’re only traveling that far but you’ll come back to me. I wish my phone beeping with your message asking me to go home because I work too much. I wish you’re sitting here, next to me.
Death is such a thief and grief is a nasty game, Lars. It feels like only yesterday since we sit in the balcony and we laugh about how silly we are dating somebody else just to find out that we are the best for each other. 6 Years flies too fast and life still just that hard without you around. You missed a lot of things but I’m sure you see it all. I could cry like a kid when I miss you that much that I thought you’ll be home but you’re not.
Tons thing happen, love, and you’ll laugh even harder about it because you just take everything easy and I’m the overthink ones;
- I had my first root canal surgery today and I can’t even talk now. I guess those who said it wasn’t hurt are the siblings of Iron Man?
- Roxy is the sweetest rescue that you could ever see and you will love her as much as I do,
- I change my Siri voice to a Male with British Accent just because I like Lee that much (he knows it) and we both enjoying the role of “falling in love from the distance” because I have no idea what can I do if he’s with me every day? He’s still one of the beautiful things I see in this world,
- I miss working in the hotel industry. Passion wins over everything. At the end of the day, you just want to do what you love. And I have my hospitality DNA with me. Oh, you will mess my hair when you proud of me because I received a letter from Isadore Sharp, the Founder & Chairman of Four Seasons Hotels and Resorts,
- I would love to be in Jakarta again and eat whatever Chris cooks just because it’s all yum and healthy. I can sit in my favorite Starbucks, go to the places I normally go after the office hours and have the joy of missing the dogs so much and feel the excitement of coming “home” with Gareth around,
- I can’t wait to hear the daily stories from Jasmine when she finally decided where to go to university,
- I still don’t understand why people can be so mean, cruel and jealous that what they want to do is destroying me into pieces,
- I would love to give Joaquin Phoenix a hug, in HER movie and the Joker because I could understand that the pain is unbearable. Oh, I would love to have Lee’s voice as the artificial intelligence program in my phone, too. Just because I re-watch that movie?,

There’s too many I and it should be “we” if you’re still here. It will be a lot of “us”. But then, by too many words, I know it won’t make you back.
So I will just see you on the other side of the stars for your absence is like the sky that spread over everything, and my love is a bond that death cannot part :’)

6 flowers for 6 years since you left. And for I am not always as lovely as a rose, I could be strong and bold and true for myself just like the sunflower.

P.S. You Know What

I'll Never Love Again

"And I want to pretend that it's not true
Oh baby, that you're gone
'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning
And I'm not moving on"

I'll Never Love Again

I found this version where Jack sings for Ally in A Star Is Born, before he died :')

It's Not "Only a Dog"

“Come on, it’s only a dog.” As much as I’m tired to explain “no, it’s not” I let them do whatever they’d like to say. Remember, your circle gets smaller by age but your vision gets clearer.

And still, it’s not "it's only a dog".

The bond between humans and dogs are different, our world and their world swirled together, symbiotic deal. By contrast, humans and dogs are adoring each other.

It’s not "it's only a dog", guaranteed.

You will meet a guy who you think heartless just because he has a judgmental look (full tattoos, long hair, ripped jeans, etc) but he cried like a kid when his puppy died, he even made a tattoo in his pulse hand.
You will meet a guy who departs from his working place in Jakarta, heading to the airport to take an immediate flight to Bali knowing his dog died and crying like there’s no tomorrow in your shoulder.
You will meet a lady who takes unpaid leave and forget her job because her dog has died.
You will meet a lady who helps 110 dogs in somebody’s island and sacrifice her life for them.
You will meet a lady who bravely saying we’re all okay while they’re not. I cannot imagine how strong is she with the epilepsy dog, with the paralyzed dog and trying to keep rescue other dogs because she thinks dogs deserve.
You will meet an old guy crying and do a proper funeral for the dead dog and replace him with a similar dog so he will not feel the total lost.
You will meet a lady who sets the rules “you date me, you date my dogs",  one fine package.
You will meet a guy who’s not taking a great job offer because he knows he can’t bring his dogs to that country.
You will meet a guy who travels to all the quarantine spots from Bali to Australia and made to see his dog every time he had the chance.
You will meet a lady who cried and screaming to the doctor begging him to save her dog’s ill and you end up crying too, seeing that scenario.

And you’ll meet me who’s not the right person you “it’s only a dog” to me.

When I was in high school, I don’t want to go to school, doing my homework and eat until my dog come back; my heartless uncle throws her in the street. My Baby Girl here, Roxy, who I raise with Gareth, is my everything. Everything. Read that again. My heart breaks for even only saying goodbye just to go to the laundry in front of the house. My tears run like water when she’s at the hospital even though I know she will be alright. Imagine how much mutual-services contract between two very different species became something much more like love? She is love, she is my love, she’s everything I have.

I can’t close my eyes to see that my baby is a beautiful puppy everyone’s like to pet, taking a picture, babysit or even would love to have her. Some of them will be politely asking permission, some are not and there’s always one jerk who does it annoyingly.
It was one fine meal until this jerk arrives and start his cheap jokes or trying to be friendly to me because he’s a friend of my friend. He said  he likes Roxy and will take her from me and I wouldn't know it anyway because I'm in Jakarta. He keeps repeating that. Once; I take it as a compliment, twice; I remind not, third; I said yes I know where you live and you won’t be happy with the way I protect my kids, the forth; I pay the bill and leave. Game on. Not once nor twice I keep repeating myself saying “if you could find a truck that could hit me till I die in front of you, you can have Roxy” yet he didn’t get it. He thinks we are such a close friend and I am easily impressed just because he is a westerner. I am not, and it is disturbing to see him on the island as I feel god damn insecure or it’s just disgusting to see his face.
Good point that he apologize through text:
 “Good morning Risya HDR here. It was not my meaning to upset you about the dogs as I love them too... if upset you I apologise for that! I moving next month with my family and would be great to catch up again.”
My response:
“HDR, Good Morning. There are so many different types of humans with their character and intellectual background. I am not the same with those Indonesian you hang out in Hong Kong or Indonesia that your filthy mouth and cheap joke are accepted. I feel insecure since you said that to me and I don't know why I have to keep repeat it again and again until I decide to leave the table that night yet you still think that it is FUNNY and it's only a JOKE. Not for me, as Indonesian living in my own country, we have Justice and Human Rights to protect us whenever we feel insecure.
The apology is accepted but please stop saying you love Our Kids too, there's no blessing for you to get any closer. I wish you the best of luck moving to my country and I will not look forward to seeing you around.
Responding to my text is not necessary. Thank You.”
Then we block each other on the WhatsApp. I block him in my life, for sure.

Ladies and Gentlemen, just because you are westerner here doesn’t mean we praise you that much. Just because you are westerner, we are not adoring you that much. Just because you’re one of the income supporters by visiting the country (even though you stay in a cheap hotel room, drinking in the cheap bar and eating in a cheap local warung), doesn’t mean you are a hero in this country that you could talk whatever you wish to us. Just because you are male westerner and I’m female Indonesian, doesn’t mean I am the same person you met.
And just because you shock with the way I’m responding, you shock that you finally talk with smart ass woman with a brain, you DO NOT think that I’m the one who has an issue and I’m the one who needs to see the doctor. Everybody has an issue. And when you meet those persons in this story, remember that God gives us brain and heart; act as you have it so you can also buy a mirror to see yourself.

It is, still, not “it’s only a dog”. Not for me and dog pawrents I met or the dog pawrents out there.

Hands are shaking writing this and I feel so exhausted until Lee sends me the messages during his busy time saying "He's only a guy, so thoughtless. But surprising? Dogs are the best people, I don't understand human people. Don't you lose another moment rest over it. You should have told him that he'd need to see a doctor if he keeps talking like that. Don't you worry about it, I think you put too much importance on other people's words. You know what is true, stay true to yourself. Roxy is so lucky to have you!"

 The same way Roxy giving to me, with or without the toy. She will look at you like you're everything to her. 

And I told Lee, "One day, someone will look at me same way as Roxy does. One day, someone will love me the same way as Roxy does." One day, Lee. One day.

I Know, I Know

"We know you loved him, but don't give him the power to destroy you, it's not worth the sacrifice."

"I know, I know," I said.

I Can't Make You Love Me

Don't Lose Who You Are

"And I know it feels a little bit cheesy, but I don't think people say it to each other enough: life is a waste of time if you are anything but who you are."

Who You Are - Jessie J

Party of One

To describe the previous post of my feelings through music & lyrics:

Party of One - Brandi Carlile feat. Sam Smith

Waiter send this to the table, the party of one

The only other lonely soul in this place
And so you're finishing up your coffee
But then where you gonna run?
Where'd you get that look on your face?

You should always let the sun go down on your anger
Let it burn you to sleep
And bring it closer to the danger
To surrender and retreat
Sing your sad soul to sleep

I loved you the first time I saw you
And you know I love you still
But I am tired
And I am yours

Don't even think about your freedom or taking that flight
Or going back upon your promise after fighting for the right
Because your eggshells and your "I" statements and your weaponized words
Are paper tigers now

Oh, your constant overthinking and your secretive drinking
Are making you more and more alone
And girl, you can slam the door behind you
It ain't ever gonna close
Because when you're home, you're already home

I am tired
I am tired
I don't wanna go home anymore
I don't wanna throw stones anymore
I don't wanna take part in the war

I loved you the first time I saw you
And you know I love you still
I loved you the first time I saw you

And you know I love you still

I don't wanna be right anymore
Lord, I don't wanna fight anymore
I'm not taking your side anymore
I am tired
I am not my own
And I am leaving
Oh, I am tired
But I'm coming home

'Cause I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours
I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours

Out Loud Story Slam

I don’t know that I’ll be back in Bali this soon. I’m not the only one that not ready, but it giving the concerns to my friends, my people, my inner circle. They worried, maybe much more than me. As they know how fit I am to be living in Jakarta, they’re not sure if I will be comfortable this time. My friends on the island, of course, happy and excited to catch up and keep up with my island life.

Seminyak Sunset, 2016, taken by me.

Raising the kids with someone you fall in love with can be easy, but can be hard to manage the emotional feelings involved too. Not everything is too grey most of the time, but on this small island with too many mouths, giving me that much pain, too. I can’t run from it, really. As much as I keep my mouth shut and not showing what exactly happened, I would like to scream out loud, too, sometime. And I think maybe this is the time because I won’t keep it any longer by myself, or maybe this is the time you guys can finally know, or maybe this is a good time to share to the women out there to keep open your eyes and open the door a little bit, instead of battling with yourself thinking “What did I do wrong? Why not me? What is less in me?”

Been there, done that. I keep searching myself in this person. I keep asking tons of why I’m not the one? Been sick body and soul, even until now, I could tell. And the battle not only between me and that person but by people surrounded. You have no idea how the gossip in this island spread as fast you blink your eyes. And guess what, most people on the island know each other and they love getting involved in other people’s business. Wanna make a bet?

1. "We saw his staff wearing low cleavage and not wearing casual working attire and talk like a slut every time he's at work", 
2. "We saw different girls stopped by to say hello or asking him to print something or do anything to just get his attention",
3. "Why him? His baggage is too heavy and he still carries that even though he has the choice to leave it",
4. "We saw him with his other girlfriend, a married woman and they look so In love", 
5. "He brings someone to the house when you were sick at the hospital and celebrates his birthday", 
6. "He’s partying when you are sick in a row, like really, he still having fun when you are sick thinking about him and everything. Really?"
7. "He looks like the one who dates my mom’s friend from school, pretty sure he is, and my friends’ parents still together tho?",
8. "While he keeps his big mouth in building his own business and show off to the island, you secretly looking for the fund, what the hell are you thinking? He even sign-up the social media account that end up to use it to follow other girls, and you still close your eyes for this?"
9. "He’s dating a hostess and brings her to the place you normally don’t go and looks sharp",
10. "He’s trying to get closer to a person who practices law, my mutual friend and of course we know that you guys together. Well, she’s being nice just because he is her client. She will need that for her portfolio, and as we are in the small circle, we know that she is the friend of our friends, not a good idea, baby"
11. "He wants to take her for a holiday in Australia, even to Europe, OH MY GOD",
12. "You join the bike ride on Sunday, right? Come on".

My dear friends, all over the world, all over the island, for as far I keep in silent for whatever the statement and the questions, I knew it. I know more than you know. And if you really must know about how I see things in a different point of views (this is reminded in general and I’m not going to talk about a specific person, bear in mind!).

• Westerners in Asia is like a kid in a candy store, that mentions it all. They just need to smart enough in choosing who they date with. Some care about this some not. I’m lucky I’m surrounded those who have class, easy for me to hang out with their girls. Snobby and picky? I have to,
• Not everyone capable to be a supervisor, manager, director, but this title is easy to get, especially here. You wear shorts to work, show your boobs and thighs, send your selfie picture, ask him to be your date in the events, talk with a voice of horny slut to your boss and pretend that you are friendly while you will stab him one day, you are safe AF. And this is not only in the hospitality industry,
• I’m not the right person to talk with about someone’s marital status, you guys will be upset hearing the comments from my mouth. Some relationships are funny tho; two people married by papers but never fall to each other, two people are separated by law but still living in the same roof for sake of the kids or business, two people are married but have agreement in terms of open relationship, they both can find some comfort from somebody else, etc, etc,
• Everyone has baggage. I have mine, too. The way we carry it is not the same as other people carry it. Some leave it behind, some take some part, we never know,
• I have anxiety that getting worst time by time. Such a rapid heart rate and end up in hospital when it affecting other parts of my body. I don’t know if both hospitalized might right because I think too much about us that time but I feel silly now. But ya, people can celebrate their day anytime they want, even when I suddenly drop dead, when it comes to celebrating they will celebrate, 
• Friends are helping friends, I will not guarantee that I will get help especially the big one. But effort and love could be priceless. And what goes around comes back around, too, right? 
• A small island, a small country sometime. My ex-colleague in 2013 is replacing my special friend in Jakarta for position Executive Chef in 2019. So it’s not that small for all of us I believe. I have one dear friend who texts me this messages when I was in the hospital 2016, upset knowing how could I get so weak with this guy. Call her AB:

Wanna know how this world is even smaller than you thought? That person who practices law, says LW, is a friend of AB and CS. CS is the guy who I close with and I’m not sure that time because he is a celebrity and I don’t think I fit his world. Knowing how touchy our feelings are, AB was creating a love story for me and CS on the 3rd December 2011, that I send to CS before CS get married. Unbelievable? Yes. And if happen Hong Kong and Bali could have same similar “What a small world” story, that is real.

My dear friends, I can’t thank you enough for how much you support and care about me. I tried, I’m tired and I know. And whenever you think I’m in pain, I am not. I’m focusing on happiness, on the good things, and these two are worth the sacrifice, more than anything in this world.

And to the women outside there, self-love is the greatest. Once you know how much important the self-love is, you will know better in loving you love. Don’t you ever worry, your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth. You will find a man who will hold your hands in public and hug you from the back, you will find a man who won’t let go of your hand when you guys walk at the beach, you will find a man who never embarrassed to take you to his working place and proudly introduce you to his team even to his office boy, you’ll be led to a destination that he wants you to be with him no matter you never sure about that place, you’ll be at the bike passenger seat because he wants you to comfort him, he will hold your hands even in the car seats, open the door and pull the dining chair, you will find a man who can accept you imperfectly perfect but loving you perfectly, you will find a man who brings you water and cookies when you got up from a nap and spoil you every moment he has the chance. He even will whisper you that you deserve the world. Trust me this time, that man exists. And once you find that man, don’t ever let him go.

I cried and throw up after writing this. And if you think I’m not alright, I’m all good, I even bought a cute aquarium and about to get a fish. 

I keep swimming, too :’)