Later, AlLEEgator!

It marks a week since Lee left, and I still send him a message like I won’t give up.

My drawing on Sunday noon. Never thought he'd be gone forever.

I swear I'm not ready, I will never be ready to lose him this soon. No one will.

I'm getting used to the habit of not receiving any messages when I wake up in the morning. He always woke up early to make sure that I received his message in the morning, whether he's tired or not, whether he goes back to sleep or not, or no matter he's drunk. He wants me to see his message in the morning with all the crap he sends.

And I'm waiting for the good timing to just throw my phone or deactivate my Instagram. From all the Social Media and all the Apps to talk, Instagram Direct Message is his favorite, he said "Initially because I thought it was an online drug delivery website - but now because I can UNSEND messages. I can redact messages I wanted to say but then got scared of afterward. Perfect for me! Hahaha."

Lee almost always between 2 or 3 while I'm in between 5 or 6.

But now, 9, drowning, dying.

I miss all the 24/7 messages non stop. I miss my morning messages, Lee.

Good Morning, Risya. Do you have any plans?
I hope you are having a better week.
Good morning from…. (wherever he currently is).
I am flirting. I'm doing it again.
Hey pretty lady.
Sending you best wishes and vibes. X
What are you doing?
How are you feeling today?
How are you today?
Apa Kabar Ibu?
How was your day?
Good Morning, have a sunny day!
What have you been up to?
I love talking to you so much.
Just let me love you in peace and you don't need to know.
GM.
Pagi.
Any plans for today?
Latte of Roxy?
What are your plans today?
Shine on, Kai!
Beep beep like a sheep!
Good Morning! Hope all is beautiful and glorious in Bali for you today.
Good Morning, Risya. Hope you slept well.
Any plans for your day?
GM, Kai. I hope you are feeling well.
How is my sunflower today?
I hope you have a great day!
Good Morning, Risya, how are you today?
Pagi! What are your plans today?
What are you doing today?
Good Morning, Sweet Princess!
Good Morning, Risya. How are you this fine morning?
Good Morning, Kai! How are you this morning?

Need to flirt later, you minx. I need to get a wiggle on now.

Later alligator.

In a while crocodile.

…. :(

Dying

I'm dying, dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm dying, dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm dying to live without you again

I'm dying, dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm dying, dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath

I'm dying and I can't live without you
I'm dying and I can't live without you again

Five for Fighting - Dying

Dimensions

I even change my Siri Voice to a Male with British Accent just because I like Lee so much and I miss him a lot at the same time. As usual, he flirts. God, I never found a man who has so much time to flirts on me since the first time he saw me. I'm weak, I am.
I re-watch the HER movie and my wild imagination works well, I wish to have an artificially intelligent virtual assistant personified through Lee's voice and I told him.
Imagine to hear his voice all the time and he's freak out, hahah.
"My dodgy geordie accent", he said. "Those are called night terrors, while you have the well trained professional accent capable of taming the savage beast... i.e...."
"Silky smooth. Yours = sultry, mine = cheeky", he added.

We both are weirdos that in compete of taking the role of "falling in love from the distance" and he always win. Everytime I make a move he will stop me.
"I do the loving from afar in this relationship. Stop trying to take over my role", Lee said.

Yep, this crazy guy loves me that much and Lars could be very jealous. I still don't understand why God take him away from me.

I wrote this while listen to this song: 

Dimensions | HER (Original Soundtrack) by Arcade Fire

With teary eyes, and nervous feeling, hoping this loss isn't real :')

Taken Away Too Soon

Oh come on, God! Give me a break. I just got him back for four months. A constant text 24/7 nonstop and you took him. For the second time in my life, You just took them. I haven’t even done with my grief over Lars and You took Lee.
Can we talk? Are you really a pretty jealous Guy or am I really being punished because I’m too happy?
Death is such a thief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A T.H.I.E.F!
You can talk with someone every day every second and not replying to him for not even a day and he ends up in a hospital having a heart attack. The following days you try to make it up, he’s gone forever.
Why? For f* sake we have so many plans to do and I need that second chance. Please please, please ☹
There’s “I Wanna Grow Old with You” to sing with our bad voice. There’s a Ben & Jerry’s to eat, there are bars he tells the world he would love to take me, there’s a helicopter ride in plan, there are many pictures to be sent, too many jokes to laugh, there are too many cuddles to do, there are nonstop flirting until at least he’s 80 and now he couldn’t even make it. I swear there lots list to go through. And I need him to get up.
Get up, Lee.
Get up.. just get up and come back to me...
I know you will like Lars up there and you guys will laugh about me because I’m probably confused now; two best men in my life who love me the most, the way I am, gone. I don't know where to put the white rose and the sunflower, which death song to sing when I’m sad, who I miss because you’re both not here anymore, whose the guy I marry to, with the same love you guys give or who I end up with when I join you both up there :’)
I will love you in my dream, reality and every dimension we have, Lee. You’re so real in my dream the night that you left and never come back, you’re not saying a thing because you don’t have to. You suited and booted and flirt that much as well.
You’re truly a disaster and I love you, too, you know that.
Rest in peace you the most beautiful soul in my life. I will see you in another dimension, I promise :’)

P.S. Don't fight with Lars just to watch me sleeping in the middle of the night, make a schedule and try not to wake me up, ya, because it's even harder to open my eyes knowing you're not here anymore and waking up without your morning messages is sucks, Lee.

Carry Me Away

I made silly decision of having my own space to have a fresh air.
I regret it,
You don't deserve that.

You know I need you and that's for sure:

John Mayer - Carry Me Away

You're just the kind of crazy I've been looking for

And I'm sorry :(

My drawing today, 11:10 AM

Feeling guilty.

Just Like That

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile

My drawing on 10 Oct 19, 12:10 PM

Because  I always like the unplugged version, you might watch the official video here: Uncle Kracker - Smile

The Loss that Doesn't End

I remember, even though I’m trying not to. I wish there’s no 27 October from all 365 days a year. I wish that Marathon never exist. I wish you’re only traveling that far but you’ll come back to me. I wish my phone beeping with your message asking me to go home because I work too much. I wish you’re sitting here, next to me.
Death is such a thief and grief is a nasty game, Lars. It feels like only yesterday since we sit in the balcony and we laugh about how silly we are dating somebody else just to find out that we are the best for each other. 6 Years flies too fast and life still just that hard without you around. You missed a lot of things but I’m sure you see it all. I could cry like a kid when I miss you that much that I thought you’ll be home but you’re not.
Tons thing happen, love, and you’ll laugh even harder about it because you just take everything easy and I’m the overthink ones;
- I had my first root canal surgery today and I can’t even talk now. I guess those who said it wasn’t hurt are the siblings of Iron Man?
- Roxy is the sweetest rescue that you could ever see and you will love her as much as I do,
- I change my Siri voice to a Male with British Accent just because I like Lee that much (he knows it) and we both enjoying the role of “falling in love from the distance” because I have no idea what can I do if he’s with me every day? He’s still one of the beautiful things I see in this world,
- I miss working in the hotel industry. Passion wins over everything. At the end of the day, you just want to do what you love. And I have my hospitality DNA with me. Oh, you will mess my hair when you proud of me because I received a letter from Isadore Sharp, the Founder & Chairman of Four Seasons Hotels and Resorts,
- I would love to be in Jakarta again and eat whatever Chris cooks just because it’s all yum and healthy. I can sit in my favorite Starbucks, go to the places I normally go after the office hours and have the joy of missing the dogs so much and feel the excitement of coming “home” with Gareth around,
- I can’t wait to hear the daily stories from Jasmine when she finally decided where to go to university,
- I still don’t understand why people can be so mean, cruel and jealous that what they want to do is destroying me into pieces,
- I would love to give Joaquin Phoenix a hug, in HER movie and the Joker because I could understand that the pain is unbearable. Oh, I would love to have Lee’s voice as the artificial intelligence program in my phone, too. Just because I re-watch that movie?,

There’s too many I and it should be “we” if you’re still here. It will be a lot of “us”. But then, by too many words, I know it won’t make you back.
So I will just see you on the other side of the stars for your absence is like the sky that spread over everything, and my love is a bond that death cannot part :’)

6 flowers for 6 years since you left. And for I am not always as lovely as a rose, I could be strong and bold and true for myself just like the sunflower.

P.S. You Know What

I'll Never Love Again

"And I want to pretend that it's not true
Oh baby, that you're gone
'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning
And I'm not moving on"

I'll Never Love Again

I found this version where Jack sings for Ally in A Star Is Born, before he died :')