Stay Paw-sitive

My doghter, Roxy, will have surgery tomorrow. As much as I tried not to be nervous in front of her, God knows how worry I am (I hope You do). My tears normally running like broken tap water when I know something happened with this child. The last time she has to be hospitalized, days are long that I couldn't wait to visit her with limited visiting hours.
And tomorrow, 11 AM, I don't know :( really. What should I bring? What should I do? How am I supposed to do to look calm in front of her?

Pict from last August when she hospitalized and Mama can't stop crying.

You're the most beautiful thing in the world, Roxy. You are the Ocean Eyes :')

I woof you more than anything in this world.

The Unsaid

I thought we're about to reunite last night? I thought you will hold my hands and help to carry me, Lars? You just laughing on me with Lee that I couldn't make it again, don't you? I don't wanna die on Sunday because you both left on Sunday. I used to like Sunday that much that we called it Sunday Avocuddle. Sunday is the day I will whine on Gareth about what are we going to do and where are we going. But things are not always as easy as Sunday. I'm barely breathing last night, my neck hurt, my tears are running like a waterfall and I'm so tired that I can't describe it any more. I just wanna, boom! Gone.

If there is any chance for you guys to take me, just take me. I had so many meltdown moments lately. I lose all the confidence because people want me to be perfect and I just can't. People want me to be chilled but then I have to keep all the silent tears by myself. And I just can't. And I don't know if I need help or letting them guess that I'm just a happy personality with a sad soul.

I have so many words that were said in the unsaid. When I start losing my people, no matter how I miss them, I'm so grateful that with the smaller circle I know who loves me the most and accepts me the way I am. They know I can't be somebody I can't. I'm all alone but never be lonely, I don't crave the attention; when I miss their presence, we talk, we text or we video call. Except when I miss you, Lars, the only thing I can do just send a message your Mom then continue crying. Not even when I miss Lee, I send a message on Instagram just being silly even though I know he won't reply. I did press the voice call trying to ignore the news that Lee is also not here anymore.

So here am I, stuck with most of the things. I'm too in love to let the things go, I'm too care that I forget to look after myself. Just hopelessly loving and dreaming but I know I'm dead inside.
Send me some positive vibes, please?

Picture's Source: here

Saved on Instagram

Are you spending more time during quarantine on your Instagram? What is your time on your Instagram? How many accounts you have? And what do you like about it? What kind of posts did you save on your Instagram?

Here's mine:

• I am not spending more time during #dirumahaja or #stayhome because on regular days, I am spending time on Instagram anyway,
• My daily average time I spent per day this week during #quarantine is 1h32m,
• I have 5 accounts with me; 1 is whatever I post, whatever I like, whatever I save, where my friends are, etc. 1 is my true love, Max Moore. 1 is my everything, Roxy Kanahaya. 1 is the account I had on 2016, I separate my personal and professional account because my ex-GM is a total bitch who always related my personal life to professional life; I can't even have my WhatsApp Profile Picture wearing a dress even though it's my phone, I pay for the phone bill as well. Sucks, so I made that account and I don't use it anymore as I am not working in that hell anymore anyway, haha. 1 is for F & B; every picture is either food or beverage and I only follow food bloggers, restaurants, recipes online, etc. Though I have 5 accounts in total, I'm wise enough to use it, I am not using any accounts to stalk and hide from my loved ones to sneak or stab from behind, I am not creating any accounts for my delusional project to impress (which this can be used for stalking as well). Oh, please!
• What I do like about Instagram; I can see what my friends doing especially those who are far away from me, I can see dogs and animals from all over the world, I can see the news in shorter duration, I can see restaurants promotion, and just like Lee, I like Instagram Direct Messages because we can un-send messages. He said "I can redact messages I wanted to say but then get scared of afterward. Perfect for me! Hahaha." I miss you, Lee, I do :')
• And this is the latest 15 I saved on my Instagram account: (I capture the pictures with the account names so you can follow them directly)

Home Decor - Anything with high ceiling, books shelves, cement, huge window, I love it. But I look at the tiny ones as well lately:

Quotes - Who doesn't like quotes, by the way? I do, from the serious to not serious, sarcasm, poet, you name it:

Anything funny that sooo me or what I feel right now, which better take it in a jokes way other than crying yourself and read a sad poem:

British touch; the jokes, the accent. Lee normally sends me a lot, which he couldn't do it anymore :') Oh, of course, I have saved his post on his birthday as well. You are the sweetest soul, Lee, gone too soon, it's 5 months now and I still check my phone in the morning to see your morning messages. This is crazy.

:)

She Used to Be Mine

Sara Bareilles tells us that if you miss the person you used to be, you must fight for them.

"These powerful lyrics remind us how much good is inside each of us and that sometimes we are too blinded by our imperfections to see the other side of the coin, to see all of that good." - Odyssey

She Used to Be Mine

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who'll be reckless, just enough
Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

The Love That Too Big

"I never ask you to change, how about you just be chilled?" says someone who (actually) not chill either. Faking around the anger and upset behind. I'm not you, I speak up and tell the person when something goes wrong instead of faking the smile and act like there's nothing wrong and being nice in front of the person but then throw the shit to somebody else and talk at the back.

"Stay alive and try to enjoy life. Lars died multiple years ago and not worth your suicide plan, Risy." says someone who can't accept my past but then force me to accept his in such a not nice way. Lars passed away and I don't need people to remind me again and again. I said this before, once I love, I love. With Lars, forever is not enough, till death tear us apart also not enough. And it's not fair to put a dead person head to head with someone that still alive. Not at all.

"Try to love your job without but, will you?" says a big boss in a small company with perhaps 11 people are not really knowing what they're doing but as long as I get paid, who cares, 1 person is totally useless and approaching through personal every freaking time and the rest 4 doing their best but since they're too professional the useless 1 still winning in getting attention. Yep, attention and recognition are not the same in the professional world, in case you don't know. Oh, of course, you know, you are the best, experienced person in the entire universe.
Well, a job for me is a passion, it's a hobby that is paid. If you are familiar with favoritism and working with people without the right background, it doesn't mean I keen to adjust as you do.

"That is not fair, you set up a double standard." says someone who wanted to be loved, knowing that he is being loved, knowing that he will never get left because he's being loved that much but then instead of putting an effort to appreciate it he spread the love that he gets to everybody he thinks they're impressed.

"You are insecure, Risy." says someone who knows very well I left the person who loves me (and of course I love him) that cheats on me even though he is everything in this world; top position in one of the world's largest company, giving me a fancy world, the joy and the everything I couldn't ask for.
Tell me again why would I insecure? Are you the sexiest man alive? Are you the Billionaires club member in this country? Or are you forget that I am not impressed with the white skin blonde hair who is too naive that everything is easy to get e.g. women? Or are you forget that the woman seat at your charity of proud with beard thingy is soooooooooooo, I don't know I will be mean to continue the sentences but please tell me insecure if she is at least a Manager with many awards work in Wolrd's Five Stars Hotel, if she is single (not a young widow), if she's not only having the ability to only show her body in bikini (come on at least good English), if she's not working as a waitress in warung or hostess who definitely use you to ladder her life (and her family in the village, of course), oh, and free printing & free meals in the restaurant.

It won't work, isn't it? It seems that it's not only my body that too big for you to see my existence, but my heart, my love, my attention are also too big for you to see. You keep looking for everything outside you haven't realized you won't find the love I have to you and everything will be too late for you to realize, one day. I can't make you appreciate what I'm doing more while you keep refusing and searching into somebody else. My silence is sorting out the chaos in this head, the madness in this heart and you busy doing your "boredness" and "silliness" to win your ego. You could've sorry and make it up instead of using the excuse of "because we fight all the time". You are not that heartless, but please don't be effortless to just be whatever about it. I'm sorry I'm not good enough but I tried to be. My hair is not silky smooth as you wish and everything about me will never be enough.

But:

Source: Pinterest

So if we noticed that we both not perfect on so many levels, why keep pushing people to be someone who they are not? Why keep looking for someone that perfect on so many levels?

Why can't we be grateful for what we have and cherish the moment that very limited by the time? It's not perfect, but nothing as sincere as the love that too big, to forgive and to never give up and to accept you, as who you are.

Source: Pinterest

Love & Loss

There has been a lot of loss lately. From at least 5 deaths that I heard, three are the people I've known, the other two are celebrities and one of them is the singer I always spare my time and money to watch his concert, Glenn Fredly. The 3, are people I know, I met, and I cried when I heard the news. Indra and David are two great people I met through organization during high school, dr. Djoko Judodjoko (Mas Iho's father who I met from the same organization) who look after me and the fam since I was little, are passed away fighting the Covid-19. I called my Father and crying, can't hold my tears :')

There's similarity from these 5 deaths. The wives are losing their husbands (apart from the family). So when I see them crying, when I see them trying to be strong in front of their kids, in front of their big family, I could understand that. Lars passed away almost 7 years ago, and I'm still grieving. Lee passed away 4 months ago, of course, it feels like he's only on long haul that I couldn't reach him. The fact that he will never go back, but let me deal with it, ok? People judge how I grieve, people will judge yours too. But if I have the chance to hold your hands, strong women, I will. I received lots of condolence messages even until now and I can't thank you enough. For every time I remember you, the news, the face and the tears, I can't say a word, but I remember these, too, that might comforting you and those who lost their loved ones:
"He didn't die. He rests his mortal vessel. And now he is part of The Universe. As you said extraordinarily blessed. Since it comes from the heart it's fine. Jadi kalau mau nangis, silakan. It is God's gift to your heart." -Harris Firmansyah

"You never get punished got being too happy :) God took Lars because he was called. That's one call we will never miss, he had a job for him :) When our time comes we will also meet our maker :) Lars lives on in your memories always remember him fondly and he will live on. There's a difference in remembering someone fondly and not moving on" -Niall Monaghan

"Jangan berlarut-larut dalam kesedihan, kita tidak tahu rencana Tuhan. Yang kita tahu pasti Tuhan kasih yang terbaik buat Risya. Di dunia ini tidak ada yang abadi, suatu saat kita yang percaya kepada Tuhan akan dikumpulkan di sorga. Di sorga selama-lamanya, di dunia hanya singkat. Turut berduka." -Pendeta Samuel

"From the quotes, remember God doesn't take anyone away. He calls them home. They were HIS before ours. We just borrowed them." -Agung Nusantara

"Of course you miss him and of course you wish you had done things differently. But you did what you did and you will learn to accept that. There is no benefit in regretting what you did or didn't do. Try and be thankful that you met him and that he was a part of your life. And please try and ignore what others say. They mean well, but this is YOUR grief, not theirs. I don't know why things like this happen, it doesn't make sense to us now but I pray that this will make you stronger and you may be able to help someone. There's a saying I heard many years ago, tears are the language that God understands. When it's time to stop crying you will know. I wish I wasn't so far away." -Phillip Stanley

"God is not punishing anyone when He's taking his creation back home, Nang. It just means that Lars' job is done in His eyes and as hard as this sounds, it has nothing to do with us yang ditinggal. He is God's loved belonging, Nang. Kamu banyak berdoa, death has its eerie power yang cuma bisa dikuasai Tuhan. And at the end of the day, kita semua akan kesana. Sabar, be mad, but come to Him again for comfort. Love u." -Tressabel Hutasoit

"I tried to call you this afternoon, I can't believe Lars is gone. He is a good guy, my good friend. I feel so sad, too. Move on ya, you have to be strong. Lars won't be happy to see you sad from above. -Baiq Dewi Yuningsih

"Peluk. Emang udah harusnya dia. Hayoo udah udah sedihnya, nanti Lars malah ngga tenang disana. Kamu doain aja dia yaa. Dia ngga ninggalin kamu kan, tapi Tuhan yang manggil dia, itu ngga bisa kita bilang ngga boleh, mean he's a good man, sampe Tuhan lebih sayang sama dia." -Reyna Miranda

"Don't do that Risya, you know how much his passing devastated you and the people in his life, so you know what will happen to the people you leave behind if you do that, your friends and family and everyone that knows you. You take care of yourself too, and yes, surround yourself with good things and people :)." -Jase J

"Oh, Gosh, Girl, wished I could hug you. I know how it feels to lose someone. He will stay in your heart forever just try to keep that in mind." -Vera Hoegger

"Heii... aku gak tau Lars gimana krn aku gak kenal dia... tp yg pasti, yg aku tau, Tuhan memanggil orang-orang yang Dia sayangi duluan... kalo Tuhan sayang sama orang tersebut, dia udah pasti orang baik... gitu kan? Sebagian gratitudemu berhubungan dengan Lars... He's so important ya
. Teruss... sebagian besar juga nunjukin banyaakk banget hal positif yang bisa kamu lakuin... so you're precious too, Risya. Duh sedih banget ya. Lars berarti banget. Kalo dia masih ada, sekarang kamu mau bilang apa? -Angesty Putri

Even my psychiatrist asks me "If he still alive, what would you like to say? I answered "I'd like to be with him, for the rest of my life :')

My love, everyone who's reading this, whoever you are and wherever you are; life is too short. Don't be too busy to care about people who didn't care about you. If you have someone in front of you, you know he/ she loves you, please, please, please cherish the moment. Appreciate his/ her present. Noone perfect in this world, stop looking for perfection and stop looking for somebody else to just please your ego. I'm saying this because I know what loss is, what death is, what grief is. They are not coming back, they are not replying your messages any more, they are not answering your phone call anymore, they do not argue back when you guys fighting, they are not giving you a morning curl up or morning texts anymore and nothing we can do about it.

I had Eva holding my hands when I did a final check on Lars' death at that time (not in this picture). My left hand wiping the tears and she held my right hand, afraid that  I will just fall when I know it was really Lars, in a coffin and not moving.

I had no chance to tell him how much I love him, I had no chance to kiss his forehead or hold his hand. He is frozen, dies. And I look stupid crying, wish I could travel back in time, wish to love him better, wish to work lesser, wish to wake up in the morning with him on my back and I could not.

Death change anything, love is probably the only thing that never change. Choose to be loved and not to be used, because real love doesn't meet you at your best; most of the time it meets you in your mess :')

The Real Quarantine

Everybody in wherever they are facing the same current issue right now, the Coronavirus disease. Difficult times for people without money, without a job, without uncertain things or start losing faith. Suicide and crime will be another issue that we now start getting worried about.
My friend who I live with is having a very good intention to have our friend stay at the house. From a different point of view, an extra person is extra safe and the house will almost never be empty and I have someone in case he has to leave the country.
My smart-ass feeling is uncontrollable this time. We know this person only for coffee, one shitty anniversary event and pizza night at home. A couple who we met every day once giving a snide comment "I won't let him around me if I were you guys because we know he's everywhere hahaha."
I didn't respond to her that time, I actually knew I will be just fine as long as I am with the kids and trying to convince my friend that we will be alright but I have no right to stop him to invite anybody to his house. I hate to say this "I know it's going to happen", and yes it's happened. In three nights, he brings two different hookers. First lady, smooth. The second night, he pays her cab, dogs are not like her, I constantly translate every freaking conversation they made since she arrived, she smokes smelly cigarettes and she stays over. FFS!
I was crying not knowing what to do to my friends outside Bali, they freak out, they swear at me and very upset that everybody in this house is not taking the virus seriously and the fact that we letting strangers keep coming to the house during this serious issue.
I am not sorry for how I am not welcoming her. I am not judging people but I thought I have the right to choose who I want to sit on my table?
No, I don't. My friend apologizes to the guy of my behavior, unfuckingbeliavable. And he forces me to forgive him because he spends 200 bucks bought the groceries after I am being forced to have an ugly shelve, moving my all stuff to the second floor and now I have to bring it back again. Noone apologizes to me about this hassles. Noone appreciates me in this case. Yet I have to apologize for being care in looking after everyone in the entire house, to stay home, stay clean, stay healthy and secure the house.
5 years friendship lose with someone who we just met a few months but hey, life goes on, isn't it, we are whoever we are, I will care about my people in such a way, and those I care about is the same person who has no idea that there is another human he considers not to hurt her over and over again, at least don't change her. Just don't. Don't act on behalf of her either because you know nothing about her struggle.

Anyway. I found the funny picture from Instagram yesterday. Exactly what my friends and I are talking about:

As much as I'd like to die, I still care if something happens to you, to all of us. If it's not okay with you, perhaps, I will just become like you who "that's alright, it is just flu, we can still going out and social distancing and we can wear the same clothes many times." But if something happened to me, do not even bother to regret it and crying at the ugly hospital. You probably will forget that you just need to burn me into ashes when you busy crying :')

I hope everybody stays safe, stay home and enjoy the real self-quarantine. It is not about you, it is about all of us. Help the curve flatter so things are getting better soon.