I Lived

So I talk to myself like I would to someone I love, through this beautiful cover by Carrollton :

I'd like to teach the world to sing

Hope when you take that jump
You don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out
They're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad (Yeah)
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I'd like to teach the world to sing

Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

With every broken bone
I swear I lived
With every broken bone
I swear I

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
A song of peace that echoes on
And never goes away

I'd like to teach the world to sing

See the original version by OneRepublic, too.

The Charm of Ellie Goulding

I was listening to Ellie Goulding last week, over and over again; 

I thought some Music & Lyrics are dedicated for my beloved ones, too.
Here we go:

Army 

for Christie, I know that I've been messed up you never let me give up.

Here's to Us

for Ralph, I catch you in a light no one else can see, I know you see her and you'll never see me. But what we had it never really died.

First Time

for Kurt, our love was something they could admire, yeah, yeah.

I Know You Care

for Gareth, I know you care, I know it is always been there. But there is trouble ahead I can feel it, you are just saving yourself when you hide it. Yeah, I know you care.

Dead in the Water

for Lars, I'm there in the water still looking for ya.

How Long Will I Love You

for Dan, How long will I love you, as long as stars are above you and longer if I can.

And this is for myself,
"I take inspiration from everything around me, also relationships and friends. 

And the inside of my crazy head." Ellie Goulding

Tattoo Crush

To answer the most common question:
1. Do you have any tattoo? No, I don't have one.
2. What kind of tattoo would you get if you choose to have one? A cross, at the back.
Not only because it's covered up, long-lasting or hold up well as aging occurs, but it reminds me of Jose Coto. He told me to put my Cross Necklace to the back instead, "so then Jesus not only protecting you 'here, at our heart' but also 'here, from the back'. I  miss him now, and the family :')

I've been wanting this tattoo since, 7 years ago? And in between those 7 years, I even think other things such:
- Lars birthday, 18 June 1979, he is the best gift I've ever had in my life,
- Roxy big brown eyes, in the way she looks at me, she reminds me how to forgive. Just forgive,
- Peony flower, who doesn't love flowers? I love peonies, with all the secret languages behind.

No, no, no, I don't need 4. 1 Cross would be just fine, enough to represents everything that I feel. And with the rollercoaster life that happened, some people don't like me because they can't figure out why I'm still blessed after what I used to do.

This:

pict source: Pinterest

In the depth of every storm, I know he is God, I stand still and wait for his hand to carry me.

Bukan Untuk Bendera Yang Sama

Lingkaran baik saya mulai geram, waktu saya tetap diam.

Mereka yang lemah dan merasa tidak berwenang, tetap merayakan kemenangan diatas keheningan yang tetap saya jaga.
Ini bukan satu kali, tetapi dua kali. Dalam dua tersebut, ada banyak kisah tidak manusiawi yang memang harus diakhiri.

Di Surabaya sana, mereka bersuka cita dalam jumlah yang banyak, menertawakan kebenaran yang mengalahkan banyaknya kesalahan. Tiba saatnya mereka menyesal, tidak banyak yang bisa saya perbuat, tidak banyak empati yang bisa saya tunjukkan, hingga membuat mereka semakin merang.
Pada perayaan Paskah tahun lalu, mereka mulai bergerilya. Besar sekali keinginannya untuk membuat saya dikeluarkan dari tempat saya mencari nafkah saat itu. Diam-diam saya menangis agar tidak terlihat lemah. Diam-diam pergi ke rumah Tuhan, karena tak lagi kuasa.
Mereka lalu tak jera. Saat panggilan hati saya mengarahkan saya ke Yogyakarta, mereka bergerak lebih cepat, sampai dengan sosok yang tidak saya kenali sekalipun, berusaha keras untuk tidak membuat saya diterima.

Saya tetap diam.
Dua tempat, satu bendera, sakit yang sama.
Lisan yang tidak berdendang baik di telinga, tulisan yang tak sedap di pandang, dan citra yang terlalu nista untuk selalu dijaga demi sebuah nama.

Dan saya tetap diam.
Di Jakarta ini, satu tahun bukan perjalanan singkat, sayangnya. Matahari pagi membuat kami segan bangun dari mimpi. Membayangkan kaki melangkah saja kami takut. Berbuat benar, kami takut, takut kalau tidak cukup membuatnya senang atau kreditnya bertambah.
Berbuat baik, kami takut, takut disangka pura-pura, walau dengan menjadi diri sendiri, bahkan lebih menakutkan.
Bahkan saat ditanya kenapa, pun, lidah terasa kelu, terlalu lemah untuk bercerita yang sebenarnya. Dalam perjalanan satu tahun, rasanya ada banyak kalimat keluar dari pengakuan saya. Yang lalu diabaikan begitu saja, agar dirasa dan terlihat baik-baik saja, walau sebenarnya tidak.

Dan saya tetap diam.
Dendam tidak pernah diperkenankan, tidak ada dalam sejarah.
Diam bagi saya, adalah segalanya.
Ada doa di sana, ada karma di sana.
Dan ada berkat yang tidak ada habisnya, bagi saya yang membiarkannya begitu saja, tanpa berucap sepatah kata.

Tulisan tangan saat lelah, di Surabaya.

Di simpan baik dalam Alkitab, oleh kerabat, Kak Max, di Yogyakarta.

Not for Half-Hearted

You're either all-in or all-out, there are no half measures in matters of the heart, or even the -glass half theory-; half empty or half full, still, it is not full.
This is how you start learning that you can't let anybody half loves you; beause it's probably half lie too.
And if you still push that feeling, too, you will end up with settle with a relationship that won't let you be yourself. Too many "I, My" and missing the "Our, Us". Too many limitations in contribute, in giving feedback, or even say what is on your mind. It is definitely not a love. Even when you tried to convince another love point of view, still, it is not love. It is a habit, it is a competition that no one will win anyway, and you can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel.
And love, not simply only about Pancake & Sex on Sundays or the alpha man who's being dominant.
No, it is not.
Well, truth hurts, a woman is at her worst when she gives everything to the wrong one. A man is at his worst when he gives nothing to the right one.