Just Don't Feel Jolly

I don't feel jolly this year, for the first time in my life. I'm struggling to feel festive in December and I don't even put extra effort after seeing all the memories from Facebook especially for the last 6 years. There are always Secret Santa dinner, Christmas Brunch, Christmas Dinner, Christmas Eve's Dinner, etc. 

In the last two years we host a Turkey Dinner at Gareth's house and that time I have a strong feeling it will be my last Christmas Dinner celebration in Bali. Not that I don't feel grateful now, the fact that leaving the country is never been easy but then again being with the kids is always one of the best things in life. So maybe I will appreciate the limited time I have by chilling and not doing anything with them? Who knows I won't be with them next year, who knows that I don't even wake up tomorrow morning (I wish! Always wish this thing happen recently; close my eyes before I sleep, waking up with a smile in the other part of galaxies and hugging my best two men; Lars and Lee).

So, ya, no Turkey Dinner this year; some friends turn into assholes that I don't even bother to see them anymore. Some are leaving the country, some feel sick because it becomes a yearly routine with the same people. And guess what, it's okay to keep your circle smaller, it's okay to not feeling jolly because maybe Christmas is manifestly not a happy time for us, maybe some causes of downheartedness;

• I miss Lee (and Lars for sure), that passed away recently. Trust me, my body and soul are aches even at the thought of never seeing him again,
• I don't know if I really want to be in Bali this time, I don't know if I can make the kids & their Father's happy by being myself and not trying to be somebody else they'd ever wish for,
• I miss working in a hotel so much, knowing that hospitality is DNA, is open up my eyes that doing something that you don't passionate about is such wasting time,
• I miss Jakarta and the entire craziness; the people, the attire, the lifestyle, the networking, the random things, everything. If the kids are in Jakarta, imagine how perfect this life would be?
• I'm sick of people's judgement. They called me I have an issue and I need to see a doctor because I'm protecting my kids that much, they think I'm such a posessive bitch who thinks I own this "Home Family", they think I'm just a jealous woman who's not spending so much time with him and she feels win because she spend more time, she get all access to the house, she's succesfully introducing someone special and it works, she thinks she wins while my head is not run that way. I just need everyone who post the picture of my kids without our permission is being archived and stop claiming that they are theirs, this could be the most exhausting one; because first, I never compete with other people. We are all not the same, and eventhough I have to be, doh, please, you are out of my league, so stop, stop being so judgemental about what I'm doing and stop act like you know every single freaking things that I have in my life. Will you just stop, please?
• The apology I hear. Some makes me flattered, relieve. Some makes me even more sick, beacuse again "you made a mistake, and I'm the one who have an issue, I'm the one who need to see a doctor" "you talk shit about the things you don't know and I have to accept it just like that because suprisingly it's dissappoint some people", why don't you care about my feeling that time and now I have to understand everybody's feeling. Why?
• The 2020 that excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I don't want to open the previous pages. I tell my circle that life is too short, I want you guys to be happy. You are the only one who understand your happiness, don't depend on anyone. I love my kids till I die, I love their father, too, till I die as well. But the feelings grow apart, we support each other and we don't have to have the form of Falling In Love. For me, keep giving love, to your loved ones, to yourself, because once you falling in love to yourself, others will follow. You don't have to change yourself to being loved by someone, you don't have to change others to being loved by you. You just need to have the courage to release it. Let the things flow, let the things go. Be happy, always be happy. 

 "To yourself, always be true", Lee said. Always, Lee, always.

Last but not least, I would love to say Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to all of you and Happy Holiday. If happen you wish to send some Christmas gift to me, please just donate some to the closest Animal Shelter nearby, that would be the best.

It's okay to not feeling jolly :')

My drawing on 8 November 2019. 

Lee was at the Jakarta airport and did his expense while I listen to Uncle Kracker - Smile.

Right?

Lee,

If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?

Right?

everything i wanted

I used to have someone who will tell me this:

"As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change
The way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you're here
They don't deserve you"

But he's gone.

The details why Billie Eilish wrote this song, is here:

"Billie Eilish’s ‘Everything I Wanted’ Lyrics Contain A Brave Message About Her Mental Health"

Nevertheless She Persisted

I am that woman with a lot of opinions when I am with this someone that I love.

I am protecting my kids with every single breath that I take, with every blood and the life I have. Someone can easily post the pictures with the kids in front of the house, obviously telling where we live easily. Someone claims my Boy is hers. Someone would like to take Roxy even I've been warned him many times. Someone saying who am I taking Roxy with me.

When I re-act into these things, they said I have an issue, I have to go to the doctor. It is an issue and its wired differently.

"You have an issue. You such a bitch."

"Risy, he will never find someone who better than you because your lifestyle, your circle is different, you are always with the highest people in their company with the high-end world and it will make him hard to find who at least equally the same as you."

"You're too high maintenance. You such a bitch."

I remind someone that just because you're a white guy, we Indonesian women not always interest in your cheap jokes. And we are all having a different intellectual background.

"You don't realize you judge his wife who's working as a maid. You're so smart it's intimidating. You such a bitch."

As an observation, the unusual relationship between the boss and the staff is not necessary and it's good to have boundaries between professionalism & personal.

"You're so bossy. You such a bitch."

It's good to have a record of who coming to the house and doing their work and keep the cleanliness at the house.

"You're too controlling, you such a bitch."

Someoe trying to impress his online date and the other one get drunk thinking they have the privilege to speak the trash but don't even understand the struggle I have.

"You don't have a sense of humor. You such a bitch."

There are so many people you don't like to meet I'm confused whether I should invite you and being with you.

"You put your standard too high. You such a bitch."

I know, I know. I'm standing up for myself, I am such a bitch.

The kids are everything in my life that I will love and protect them until my last breath. Please understand that the joke of stealing one of them, posting the pictures in front of the house with the exact address and claiming they are yours, is hurting myself more than you could imagine. It's not that I have an issue, it's you who thinks that you understand every single thing that I dealt in my life.

The guy that I love is working from the sun goes up until the sun goes down again. Respect him by professionally doing your best to get professional recognition, not personal attention. And just because he tried doing his best as back up plan, don't call him crazy or too much. Just because something happened in the past, do not keep losing your respect to him.

The guy that you think too kind and you think you can do whatever you want is giving you a salary. At least keep the cleanliness at the house, don't take anything that not yours, do not let anybody else to the house and don't talk about him behind your back.

The kids and the guy that I love is one of the greatest things in my life that I will protect as long as I live. If you think I'm such a bitch, go ahead.

I don't owe any explanation of how I think I should be treated and I don't need any label from your eyes that only can see, not from the heart that you can feel.

If only people understand, if only people can read the mind and understand the heart easily. If only they know why I have to be such a bitch..

The Moon Song

‘I think anybody that falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.’ – Amy (Her)

The Moon Song 

My drawing on 26 November :') 

and singing with my terrible voice that scares you the most....

"We're lying on the moon

It's a perfect afternoon

Your shadow follows me all-day

Making sure that I'm

Okay and we're a million miles away"

It's Just Too Painful

A month, huh? A month.
Some days I woke up with a smile on my face because I thought I will wake up with tons of messages.
Some days I woke up crying because I know you’re not around anymore.
Most of the days, I wish I never wake up anymore.

It’s more than heartache that I couldn’t describe.
It’s the same tragic love story and glory that broke before it bent. When I found Lars I thought I won the lottery; it’s a jackpot, I’m the happiest. And when he died, that’s all. I don’t want to buy the ticket anymore. Kevin said, "buy another ticket we never know you might win again, Kai".  Nope, I will never.

Then Lee found me, he thoughts he’s the one who won the lottery. It’s hard for him to believe it so he was once run away, he’s afraid if it’s too real, I need to convince him that I am the ones who won the lottery again.

I never higher my standard or decrease my value to make him love me that much. He looks at me like he sees the world, he appreciates that I never change myself for him. I am myself when I’m with him and he’s proud of it. How amazing is that being loved by someone who value yourself, who will open the car’s door for you, who will give his arm to walk you in the stairs, who get up from the chair and look at you like you're everything to him then welcome you to just sit next to him and make sure it’s comfortable? Who will introduce you to all his friends and tell them about you like you’re the greatest person in this world, and he never changes for any second? He’s always done that, he never gets bored of loving me over and over. He’s never getting tired to flirt. His eyes always wide since day one he saw you. He raises you when you feel down and asks you to apologize to yourself because you make yourself down. He supports your mental health and prioritize your happiness, your success and reminds you that you have meaning in this world when you thought you don’t have any.

“You have meaning and purpose. I am calling BS on that. You know it, Kai. Who would Rox and I love if not you? What about your other friends. Please complain if you figure out what you have to complain about. I would give you such a bear hug you would be gasping and then play with your hair until you settle down.”

Now tell me what do you think I should do; waking up knowing two greatest men in this world that you love and love you in return are never be next to you anymore.
You could tell me that I might be mad at God and back to Him for comfort.
You could tell me again that God is such a pretty jealous guy so He took the best two.
You could tell me again that God replacing with the better person.

But you have no idea how life is could be so simple by being loved by someone you love.

So tell me again what do you want me to do other than faking my smiles and my eyes pretend that I am all good I am all happy I am moving on?

This part is the hardest that you might never know :')