Party of One

To describe the previous post of my feelings through music & lyrics:

Party of One - Brandi Carlile feat. Sam Smith

Waiter send this to the table, the party of one

The only other lonely soul in this place
And so you're finishing up your coffee
But then where you gonna run?
Where'd you get that look on your face?

You should always let the sun go down on your anger
Let it burn you to sleep
And bring it closer to the danger
To surrender and retreat
Sing your sad soul to sleep

I loved you the first time I saw you
And you know I love you still
But I am tired
And I am yours

Don't even think about your freedom or taking that flight
Or going back upon your promise after fighting for the right
Because your eggshells and your "I" statements and your weaponized words
Are paper tigers now

Oh, your constant overthinking and your secretive drinking
Are making you more and more alone
And girl, you can slam the door behind you
It ain't ever gonna close
Because when you're home, you're already home

I am tired
I am tired
I don't wanna go home anymore
I don't wanna throw stones anymore
I don't wanna take part in the war

I loved you the first time I saw you
And you know I love you still
I loved you the first time I saw you

And you know I love you still

I don't wanna be right anymore
Lord, I don't wanna fight anymore
I'm not taking your side anymore
I am tired
I am not my own
And I am leaving
Oh, I am tired
But I'm coming home

'Cause I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours
I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours, I am yours

Out Loud Story Slam

I don’t know that I’ll be back in Bali this soon. I’m not the only one that not ready, but it giving the concerns to my friends, my people, my inner circle. They worried, maybe much more than me. As they know how fit I am to be living in Jakarta, they’re not sure if I will be comfortable this time. My friends on the island, of course, happy and excited to catch up and keep up with my island life.

Seminyak Sunset, 2016, taken by me.

Raising the kids with someone you fall in love with can be easy, but can be hard to manage the emotional feelings involved too. Not everything is too grey most of the time, but on this small island with too many mouths, giving me that much pain, too. I can’t run from it, really. As much as I keep my mouth shut and not showing what exactly happened, I would like to scream out loud, too, sometime. And I think maybe this is the time because I won’t keep it any longer by myself, or maybe this is the time you guys can finally know, or maybe this is a good time to share to the women out there to keep open your eyes and open the door a little bit, instead of battling with yourself thinking “What did I do wrong? Why not me? What is less in me?”

Been there, done that. I keep searching myself in this person. I keep asking tons of why I’m not the one? Been sick body and soul, even until now, I could tell. And the battle not only between me and that person but by people surrounded. You have no idea how the gossip in this island spread as fast you blink your eyes. And guess what, most people on the island know each other and they love getting involved in other people’s business. Wanna make a bet?

1. "We saw his staff wearing low cleavage and not wearing casual working attire and talk like a slut every time he's at work", 
2. "We saw different girls stopped by to say hello or asking him to print something or do anything to just get his attention",
3. "Why him? His baggage is too heavy and he still carries that even though he has the choice to leave it",
4. "We saw him with his other girlfriend, a married woman and they look so In love", 
5. "He brings someone to the house when you were sick at the hospital and celebrates his birthday", 
6. "He’s partying when you are sick in a row, like really, he still having fun when you are sick thinking about him and everything. Really?"
7. "He looks like the one who dates my mom’s friend from school, pretty sure he is, and my friends’ parents still together tho?",
8. "While he keeps his big mouth in building his own business and show off to the island, you secretly looking for the fund, what the hell are you thinking? He even sign-up the social media account that end up to use it to follow other girls, and you still close your eyes for this?"
9. "He’s dating a hostess and brings her to the place you normally don’t go and looks sharp",
10. "He’s trying to get closer to a person who practices law, my mutual friend and of course we know that you guys together. Well, she’s being nice just because he is her client. She will need that for her portfolio, and as we are in the small circle, we know that she is the friend of our friends, not a good idea, baby"
11. "He wants to take her for a holiday in Australia, even to Europe, OH MY GOD",
12. "You join the bike ride on Sunday, right? Come on".

My dear friends, all over the world, all over the island, for as far I keep in silent for whatever the statement and the questions, I knew it. I know more than you know. And if you really must know about how I see things in a different point of views (this is reminded in general and I’m not going to talk about a specific person, bear in mind!).

• Westerners in Asia is like a kid in a candy store, that mentions it all. They just need to smart enough in choosing who they date with. Some care about this some not. I’m lucky I’m surrounded those who have class, easy for me to hang out with their girls. Snobby and picky? I have to,
• Not everyone capable to be a supervisor, manager, director, but this title is easy to get, especially here. You wear shorts to work, show your boobs and thighs, send your selfie picture, ask him to be your date in the events, talk with a voice of horny slut to your boss and pretend that you are friendly while you will stab him one day, you are safe AF. And this is not only in the hospitality industry,
• I’m not the right person to talk with about someone’s marital status, you guys will be upset hearing the comments from my mouth. Some relationships are funny tho; two people married by papers but never fall to each other, two people are separated by law but still living in the same roof for sake of the kids or business, two people are married but have agreement in terms of open relationship, they both can find some comfort from somebody else, etc, etc,
• Everyone has baggage. I have mine, too. The way we carry it is not the same as other people carry it. Some leave it behind, some take some part, we never know,
• I have anxiety that getting worst time by time. Such a rapid heart rate and end up in hospital when it affecting other parts of my body. I don’t know if both hospitalized might right because I think too much about us that time but I feel silly now. But ya, people can celebrate their day anytime they want, even when I suddenly drop dead, when it comes to celebrating they will celebrate, 
• Friends are helping friends, I will not guarantee that I will get help especially the big one. But effort and love could be priceless. And what goes around comes back around, too, right? 
• A small island, a small country sometime. My ex-colleague in 2013 is replacing my special friend in Jakarta for position Executive Chef in 2019. So it’s not that small for all of us I believe. I have one dear friend who texts me this messages when I was in the hospital 2016, upset knowing how could I get so weak with this guy. Call her AB:

Wanna know how this world is even smaller than you thought? That person who practices law, says LW, is a friend of AB and CS. CS is the guy who I close with and I’m not sure that time because he is a celebrity and I don’t think I fit his world. Knowing how touchy our feelings are, AB was creating a love story for me and CS on the 3rd December 2011, that I send to CS before CS get married. Unbelievable? Yes. And if happen Hong Kong and Bali could have same similar “What a small world” story, that is real.

My dear friends, I can’t thank you enough for how much you support and care about me. I tried, I’m tired and I know. And whenever you think I’m in pain, I am not. I’m focusing on happiness, on the good things, and these two are worth the sacrifice, more than anything in this world.

And to the women outside there, self-love is the greatest. Once you know how much important the self-love is, you will know better in loving you love. Don’t you ever worry, your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth. You will find a man who will hold your hands in public and hug you from the back, you will find a man who won’t let go of your hand when you guys walk at the beach, you will find a man who never embarrassed to take you to his working place and proudly introduce you to his team even to his office boy, you’ll be led to a destination that he wants you to be with him no matter you never sure about that place, you’ll be at the bike passenger seat because he wants you to comfort him, he will hold your hands even in the car seats, open the door and pull the dining chair, you will find a man who can accept you imperfectly perfect but loving you perfectly, you will find a man who brings you water and cookies when you got up from a nap and spoil you every moment he has the chance. He even will whisper you that you deserve the world. Trust me this time, that man exists. And once you find that man, don’t ever let him go.

I cried and throw up after writing this. And if you think I’m not alright, I’m all good, I even bought a cute aquarium and about to get a fish. 

I keep swimming, too :’)

I Bite My Nails And Tell the Truth

Remember the day I post a picture and caption “Don’t ask what happen with my eyes.”?
Nothing happening. It was a beautiful sunny Saturday and all I could think about is Lee.

So I dare myself to say hello again, and he replied. And a tear when I blink after I read his message. It becomes a gloomy day that drives me to overthink about lots of things.

I'm not gonna talking about Lee only this time. In life, I choose love, affection, and emotional support over being showered with materialistically and physically. Sad how I keep focussing on people who do so little for my mental health, who didn’t value myself but control so much my mind, my feelings, my emotions. And I still think I wanted this person just because I don’t wanna lose the togetherness, I’m too familiar and too comfortable with the time we spend and we almost have everything if we want. But he didn’t want it, crystal clear from the beginning. And I finally didn’t want it too.

I just want my old self back, I want to be the better person for my self but I will keep my intentions to him pure. I deserve a man who loves me for the little things, and it won’t be him. You can be in the same bed with someone but still feel lonely, simply because he never falls in love with you. You can love someone to the galaxy and back and still not able to be with them. You can do all the good things but they will focus more on the mistakes you have. They will tell you we have too many baggage while they have even heavier baggage than us.

Well, let’s just love because we love to love then. Pain is inevitable and it will exist, but if we focus on understanding what we are feeling and why you are feeling it, we will overcome it. It is so natural that what and who we are is what we’ll attract. As simple as that. We deserve to be chosen undoubtedly over and over again.

With so many people love you, value you and fight to get the privilege to fall in love with you, please please please do not focus on those not. It’s a waste of time to fight for someone to fall in love back with you. Re-read all your compliments card, your messages that brighten your day, your love letters, everything that makes you feel that you are valued. Remember the good days when your people treat you so much better, when they praise you, and when they honor you because you deserve to, and you don’t even have to try harder.

When you tired just to be accepted for the way you are, someone is missing you, missing your sense of humor (that other people think you don’t even have one), miss seeing the world through your eyes :')

The eyes that Lee misses, one day after Lee's birthday. 

Might nothing for other people, but everything for Lee, for other Lee, and for myself to love me even more.

And I don't want to go back to what buried me, what breaking me: body and soul.

Fly Your Flag

"Why am I doing this to myself?" is probably a very rare question that you ask yourself. It's good to stare at your reflection in the mirror sometime and forget what people opinion's for a second because you probably never be enough. 

"Your chin is too sharp, your eyes too small, your belly is too big, your teeth not white, your hair is too dry, you're too this, you're too that. You're too speak up, you such a bitch."

Over the last 5 years, I force myself to be not who I am just because someone I care about.

And I just want to be someone that really spoke about things that I really felt, honestly. I'd like to trust that "we actually know how to act when someone's being inappropriate with us. We giggle or we try to brush it off while we don't have to do that. Tell them to go fuck themselves - be a bitch. If someone's being disrespectful to you, be disrespectful right back. Show them the same amount of respect that they show you". I would love to trust that, read that again. 

Maybe not here, not where the society wants you to be perfect at least for sake of image.

So I ask myself, "am I the only one that start losing myself?" I listen to the songs, I read the articles, I talk to my inner circle, and quotes some good sayings from P!nk:

She said, "The world is change now. It's not about outer beauty. It's about inner beauty, confidence.

I feel like I've kept my integrity. You know you always be popular.

When you are woman with a lot of opinions and you don't back down and you don't apologize.

It's hard. It's hard for people. But it's.. I'm okay with it. 'Cause I like me.

I'm very polarizing. Some people would merge with me, and other people would run away as fast as they can.

But it's always work out for me. For how I feel about myself and for the kind of friendship and relationship that I have.

I'm all about crying. It's kinda tired for my tears.

I believe that woman and girl can do anything. People can do anything and be whatever they want to be."

And I listen to her song as well, delivers a message against depression, self-harm and suicide:

P!nk - Fuckin' Perfect

So I whisper myself "Don't lose who you are" :')

The Apology You Wish to Hear

I’m still coughing up water from the last time you let me drown and you standing there like a clown trying to make everybody laugh like you never did something wrong, never hurt my feelings, just like some others who did the same thing. I don’t understand how some people are just okay with themselves knowing they emotionally destroyed someone, irritating someone. For real? For real. 

Over the past three years, this is the apology list I want to hear in my ears, sincerely:

1. I apologize for giving a bad recommendation, giving a recommendation when no one asks for and even giving the recommendation when you and your team already work in other hotels. – Human Resources Manager, 4 Stars Hotel –
2. I apologize for being too selfish and too dominant and dragging people opinion to destroy your passion by against your experience with the #1 an American multinational diversified hospitality company that manages and franchises a broad portfolio of hotels and related lodging facilities. - General Manager, 4 Stars Hotel –
3. I apologize for asking your apology for something you never did and not even cost 50 rupiahs but drives you crazy. – Brand and Area Manager, Hair Removal Clinic –
4. I apologize for stealing the credits of all the hard work you did. I create the story of how you did disciplinary action of your team members using your e-mail and EID while it is the hotel the one that MUST set up every EID. I also messed up the personal life and professional life that makes you tired without hearing any sorry and thank you from my mouth. – Director of Rooms, 5 Stars Hotel -
5. I apologize for keep repeating my words that I’m going to take your dog from you when you’re away, I make you feel insecure and I didn’t realize talking to Indonesian intelligent woman is not the same with women I talk in the cheap bar anywhere I travel. – A Trashy Dutchman Living Between Hong Kong and Indonesia –
6. I apologize for involving too much in your personal life and the struggle within, that I know nothing about. And with Alcohol power, I can say whatever I want tho it’s funny and not offensive. – A Trashy American Living in Bali- 
7. I apologize for stabbing you from the back, I just don’t want to share the stage, I’m too afraid you shine brighter so I’m losing my existence, the only thing I have in my imaginary life. – A Senior (Maybe) Coworker –

I mean, your filthy mouth is never my responsibility, I will not care whatever you guys doing until it bothering my mental health. I can see everything through your shit that I never expect anything except an apology. I’d like to hear that, an apology as loud as disrespect you treat me. And I’m not sorry for having high standards, people who stay with me in my life rise theirs up to meet mine. 

Until then, keep speaking kindness to me, the only thing that deaf can hear and blind can see.

I don't wanna see you guys anymore, I stay away from half-ass people being half-ass here :')

There's Enough Sun for Everybody

No, I’m not freaking fabulous. I don’t pee glitter, shit cupcakes or fart rainbow, I am not. I have a dozen thoughts, chaotic mind and some other random stuff that I have no clue how to face it. Family, relationship, career, the past and the future of course. We can’t change the past, I could tell. We learn from it. We can plan the better version of ourselves or the better future and it’s all up to you how to rebuild, how to improve. And yes, we don’t need anybody’s validation especially if it’s only to destroy what’s good on you. The bad news is, we’ll meet that kind of destroyer. People could be so judgmental about your life, people could so envy whenever they see you shine, people want that credit and image in performing their show without sharing the stage with you and the good news is, it is fine. It is okay to meet that people, be thankful because you don’t want to be the same person and you know that the only people criticize you is only someone who doing less, not doing more than you.

Picture from 121 weeks ago,

beautiful caption from Pinterest:

"I don't see anyone as my competition.

We don't have the same dreams. goals, ambitions, and for sure not the same brains.

We're not the same." :')