Woof

I met you, a year ago.
You got me wrapped around your little paw, and I was too afraid you couldn't make it.

Dear little human,
I woof you even you snore too loud,
I woof you even your smells of fart wake me up in the middle of night,
I woof you even you're too busy at the beach but still let me watch you,
I woof how your tail always wagging when you see me,
I woof the way you cuddle,
I woof the way you bark on strangers or some people you just... don't like.

Happy 1st anniversary to our friendship, Goof.

And when I let you lick my face, people think it's gross. For me, it will cure almost anything.

Be well!

A Thousand Times Enough

That was it.

You taught her time and time again that n.o.t.h.i.n.g she does, ever good enough.

And that's okay.

At least I tried. I tried. I tried.


I'm tired :')

After All This Time...

I was in Hong Kong when his Mom sends me his lovely picture. That day I receive the picture, was not far from "Killing of Harambe" at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden, and I found someone stalks my Facebook account because she wants to be with my partner, so I decide to, deactivate my Facebook account! Phew.
Facebook might the only way I could talk with his Mom, she's the strongest single Mom I've ever know that I wish I could hold her tight, every day. I know it's not easy to lose her only son, but she never shows me how sad is she after Lars left. Though I am a strong woman, it's not gonna happen with me as even 3 years after his passing,  I am still, h..e..r..e, frozen. No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear, my love.
As far as I know, I'm getting stronger by letting you live my life by being an angel that always hugging me from the back or jump into a conversation with someone that could talk to you, yeah! Hahaha, I know you're around, I can feel you around! This 27, for you up there, my love, my new beginning, my gift to you, to make you feel more proud, and here I am, the Front Office Manager for Selected Service of the Portfolios in the #1 World's Largest Hotel Company. By God grace, and working passion!

Sr. Nena, she keeps telling me "Move on! 3 years already!"

What was it like to lose him? 

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me-----said all at once.

-Lang Leav

P.S. I will see you someday again in the clouds.

What Is There Not To See?

I don't know how to give up on people.
I tried, again and again.
Maybe I am a forgiver, maybe I am not. Maybe I am a believer, maybe I am not.

We were just... friends. Two people who were scared to love one another, but we spoke like lovers, sometimes. But yeah, we were... friends; get to know him and you just really like being around him. Like the only option is, being his friend just to have him in your life. Do you ever love someone so much (too), and you just settle for being... friends?
But, darling, just... friends, not doing that. Well, forget it.

Damn, it's hard, isn't it? Like asking me to lie to myself and pretend those "feelings never existed" but sometimes it's questioning myself how I was never good enough, hey?

"Just Friends," huh? Well, "just friends" don't steal the secret glance at each other. "Just friends" don't get jealous when the other one talks about someone else. "Just friends" don't get butterflies from each other. "Just friends" don't hold each other like that.
"Just friends?" yeah right.

❤

Dance to Her Heart's Content

Lyrically, "True Love" talks about heartache and how the protagonist can't bear the pain of losing his lover. Perhaps the most open song Chris Martin has ever written, could be interpreted with

What's really going on below,
I've lost you know, you let me go...

Coldplay - True Love

But one last time, tell me you love me

If you don't then lie

Oh lie to me.

dys·pep·sia

Nah.

Not familiar with that word before, until I'm hospitalized, twice, sleeping alone just like in a hotel room with personalized service, ooh I like Siloam Hospital, and you!

disˈpepsēə,disˈpepSHə/

noun

1. indigestion.

I thought I was fine, just a bit nervous, not sure about what I'm doing, slightly not happy, extrovert, or whatever. But then I couldn't eat, not even drink water. It must be my job that time, and for the second time hospitalized, there are butterflies dead on my stomach too. If you know what I mean. Ha-ha! 

Twice! What the...? So I quit my job and raise my middle finger after, and, Hong Kong. 

After January and April, it's time for September and October have their turn to take care of me with lots of medicines and I even being handled by 2 doctors now. Yay or nay?

It feels like, when I was down, I am very very down, but when I was high, I could fly.

Yup, it's getting worse again. As we can see my daily dose and my reminder.

Overthink my overthinking. Sad, I know, my anxiety keeps me from enjoying things when I'm only, what, 27? 28? But then the situation forcing me and makes me anxious.

Ah, that goddamn words "Anxiety Attacks" intense feelings of fear, doom, foreboding, and gloom; a sudden urgency to escape, run away, or get out; that fear that you may lose control of your thoughts and actions; dizziness; nausea and vomiting; a feeling like you might pass out; trembling or shakiness; weakness; difficulty breathing; pounding or racing heart; hot or cold flashes; chest pain; hands and feet may feel numb; you may be lightheaded or woozy; irrational thoughts, and a number of other physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms. 

Phew, enough said, baby, that's it! 

And I've had enough of the things that make me nervous and sad, as my doctor said "stomach is the closest one to your feeling, your mind. Happy probably the best medicine." 

Or maybe this is the best time for new beginnings?

Well, I cannot wait to go bed tonight randomly wearing my Christmas socks and stop worrying about shit I can't control anymore.

Oh.

I want a hug, too.

But not just a normal hug. No. I want one of those pick-me-up-off-my-feet-squeeze-me-tight-spin-me-around-hurts-my-tummy-but-still-makes-me-smile-leaves-me-breathless-gives-me-butterflies-makes-me-giggle-stupidly kind of hug.

Happy Birthday, Kygo!

I never have any specific, preference, or favorite about anything. But the first time I heard Kygo, was when I'm with my -life-in-Bali, Gareth & Phillip.
This DJ gained my attention through remixes of Ed Sheeran, "I See Fire".

Kyrre Gørvell-Dahll

Just like today, I'm in a good Sunday mood with, ehm. He said "your music is good", after few seconds we heard remixes of Marvin Gaye:

 And when I get that feeling, I want

Sexual Healing

Sexual healing, baby, it's good for me!

Can Heaven Wait

34 Months after my Lars Weddeler passed away :(

Kevin and The Lottery Analogy

"Please, Kai, please! For the sake of your sanity, walk away!!" Kevin said.
If I were sitting in front of him, he knows that I will never see his blue eyes because I might be afraid to agree with the ugly truth; shitty relationship(s).

===

Five weeks in Jakarta is not easy at all. I miss Hong Kong, I want my Sundays, and cuddling with Max, the goofy fur-godson. I'm struggling with my slumber, dealing with the new beginning which I don't like. I just don't like a new start, that's it. And I don't like to be alone. Kevin, my American friend trying to save me having a better five weeks. He's not a hero, but he's a gentleman. Actually, he's a hero, too. He saves me from the days that he knows I can't be alone, he saves me from a -so-not-fun group hang out, he saves me from someone who might checking my phone and even updating my iOS!

Ladies, if only every man like Kevin, we don't have to face broken heart. Guaranteed. I am not his partner, but, Kevin will let you know when the rain comes just because he knows you like it. He will stand in a long queue and make sure your coffee is exactly your preference. Kevin will be just fine waiting for you at the lobby even you're late coming for dinner or coffee. Kevin will roll you with a blanket to keep you warm when he knows that you have a fever. Kevin will close the door so he will not wake you up when you still sleeping. Kevin will turn on the lights just because he knows you don't like the dark. I would probably have a thousand list about Kevin, but Kevin is the one you worth to be with. You will wake up every morning with no option of being anyone you wished because you love yourself when someone can accept you who you are.

And Kevin will wake up at 4:00 AM to put a glass of water for you :') 

A glass of water. I still remember when I told my BFF, Christie, I want an ordinary guy who will tell me that everything will be okay, and a glass of water on his hand. And Kevin standing in front of me.

"Stop being too real", I said. I once won a lottery when I found Lars, it's a jackpot, and I will not win again. Now when I have you, my dear American friend with a perfect American accent, I think I won again, so I will not winning for the third time.

===

"Lars was real! I am real! There are more! My lottery analogy: Know your lucky numbers, DO NOT let the system randomly select them for you!", Kevin said.

But I just need a break, Kev....

I Hate You, I Love You

It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you,
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you

As Lost As Alice

It's been three months since I'm away from the island. All I want is a city life, so I made it.
But in few hours, I have to go back to the island, I promise this time only for temporary before I'm back for good to Jakarta, or moving somewhere else with someone.

I'm pretty sure after "I keep standing between giving up and seeing how much more I can take", I'm still stuck between where am I to be, who am I, what I want to be, and who I should be.
I don't wanna be in Hong Kong looking at the window with my teary eyes and wandering,
I don't wanna be in Singapore because probably, I still don't know what to do,
I don't wanna be in Surabaya, simply because I don't like it,
I don't know whether I still wanna be in Bali after few times landed at the airport and struggling with the feeling of "I-am-not-home", or
I don't know whether it's a good time to go back to Jakarta, but I'm quite happy this time. 

Do you ever feel the same?
Unsure and lost, but then you can't avoid it, even after thousand times telling yourself that you'll be okay. Well, you know you'll be okay.

I'd like to stay with you, at the Kempinski balcony for a rainy day, but....

See? My mind is a wonderland, I can't read the maps!

And I've got no plans at all to leave :(

Childhood Dream

My childhood dream job was to be an astronaut.
What’s on my mind that time was, I could fly to the moon and reach the sky without realizing when I grow up, I’m more craving for some real space and it will be cool to just flying by myself all alone. Haha!
Then don’t ask me why I finally took my career as an hotelier as it is far from what I want: some space, not working alone.
But if you were to ask me now why I still want to be an astronaut, my answer will be:
I could fly alone and have my own space avoiding people.
At least wearing the costume just because I’m sick of people looking at me when I’m walking.

Groceries Shopping

Oh, if I could have the chance to fly with you, maybe I will.

Never Go Back

Who knows when we’ll be coming home at last,

 Home, where I wanted to go

and have a cup of coffee on a rainy day.

Coffee, Baby

Well, they’re moving us to Mars :’)

A Safer Place

People drain me.

And it feels good to be away from the island for the last three months. It’s just true that you never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air. I start respecting myself to walking away from the unhealthy working environment, unfaithful relationship, and meaningless friendship.

Toxic Working Environment:

- The Human Resources Manager who’s not even wearing her watch properly and refer to someone else about your job description, telling your boss the-so-not-true-story and I have to record whatever it is every time I talk with her. Seriously? Oh, I have A to Z about all shitty things happened that you will not believe it is really happened in one of biggest company in the world. Not a joke, I swear. Haha.
- Some people sitting at the long table during lunch time give you a nasty look.
- When you think talking with a Human Resources Manager is the best way in the right time while actually not.
- Sketchy workplace practice and inconsistent policies. Look out!
- A strong sense of yourself about disengagement, losing ground without anything actually happening, and you waking up in hospital twice in only three months difference because of dyspepsia. O-ow, trust your gut, you’re in the wrong place, darling!

Toxic Relationship:
- He is angry a lot of the time and you have to live with a lot of tension, feeling stressed.
- He fights dirty for his self-defensive.
- You used to recognize yourself until the reflection changes.
- You see yourself as a trophy wife.
- He cheats on you and not confess his affair.

Toxic Friendship:
- They never consider your feelings by keep saying something that makes you feel down.
- You start getting tired with all the appointment that they’ve made and on the day, they will say sorry because they can’t make it. Let’s make it another day means same shit different day.
- They claim all of these charming characteristics and bring nasty behavior on a consistent basis.
- They copy you, but then, the original is always the better than the sequel, ya?
- They just, gosh, pushing you hard until you hit a record low with stress. Phew, involving too much, living the drama, really? And I have to forget the bruises and forgive again?

I no longer have the energy, trust me this time. I’m sure I am allowed to terminate these toxic energies and I don’t owe an explanation. It is hard to set the boundaries with toxic people, but I need some changes. If you don’t hear from me anymore, you’re probably one of them :) 

 :')

Hujan dan Secangkir Kopi Panas

Pernah saya menanti Lars pulang mulai dari panas, hujan dan kembali kering.

Dia tidak juga kunjung datang, sampai larut, sampai pagi hampir menjelang. Tidak ada hujan di hari-hari kepergiannya. Tidak di hari pertama saya lalu tahu dia pergi selamanya, tidak di hari saya berada di Bali menyaksikan prosesi tutup jenazah untuk kemudian kami kirimkan ke Frankfurt, bahkan tidak di hari dimana saya tahu jenazahnya sudah tiba dipelukan Ibunda. Mungkin langit sudah kehilangan tenaganya, tidak sanggup lagi kalau harus terus-menerus melihat air mata di pipi tidak kunjung henti. Tidak juga keringat, dari badan yang terlalu lelah dan takut, takut kalau berita kematiannya benar-benar nyata. Takut kalau kekasihnya sungguh tidak akan pernah kembali.

Tetapi langit menjadi kawan setia, waktu dia, lelaki yang saya mulai jatuh hati, saya dapati membagi kasihnya kepada orang lain. Mungkin memang hanya langit yang setia, hujan tidak membiarkan saya menangis lagi, karena sudah diwakilkan. Berdoa saja, katanya langit, kalau memang dia harus kamu lepaskan, maka lepaskan saja. Tidak akan pernah ada satu alasanpun untuk bertahan, tidak siapapun. Maka langit memutuskan untuk mewakilkan hujan sebagai air mata yang mungkin tidak layak jatuh, meski hanya setetes. Kala itu, kalau memang cinta adalah tempat untuk berteduh, saya rela berlari saat hujan.

Sudah hujan, sayang. Maka jangan menangis lagi :’)

Bahkan ketika hujan mengantarkan saya pada tubuh yang menggigil, tidak pernah saya tidak jatuh hati. Hari itu, beberapa jam setelah saya pergi pamit kembali ke Jakarta, ada hujan yang terlalu deras. Ada mereka yang takut basah dan ada kendaraan yang takut beroperasi. Saya, lari dalam hujan, menyatu dengan setiap alirannya. Dingin, sama seperti hati kamu saat ini. Kalau hanya hujan dan demam, saya masih sanggup. Tapi kalau hati yang dingin penuh rasa benci, lebih baik kita pergi.

Hujan kali itu, barangkali yang terbaik. Perjalanan menuju ke salah satu toko kopi favorit di hari pertama berusia dua puluh delapan diiringi hujan. Tuhan memberkati setiap hati yang mau bangkit. Tuhan berikan rejeki bagi diri yang mengalami masa sulit. Secangkir kopi panas (tanpa gula rendah kalori), hari itu, adalah momen terbaik untuk memulai usia yang baik. Makan malam yang baik dengan salah satu teman baik, untuk segala sesuatu yang lebih baik.

Sudah hujan, sayang. Maka jangan menangis lagi :’)

 ...