The Emotional Hangovers

I have few hours left to write about my most favorite month, August. Not only because of lots of unexpected birthday celebration, but I feel like I belong to this month a lot. Even one day before I turn to 29, it was 8 August which I'm still 28 that day, 23 days ago!
Time flies, it is. Time is running out, yes. I was 3 years old little girl 2 minutes ago, and I will be 30 soon that I can't even hear the clock ticking.
It was a bright beautiful afternoon on my last day of being 28 years old. Was so excited for tomorrow and was so relieved at the same time. It's going to be my year, I whisper to myself. There will be no more questions that I don't even want to hear the answers.

4:35PM Bali Beach, Petitenget

Emotional hangovers, totally. Working with assholes, sitting at the same table with new girlfriend of my former lover, round in circles with the feeling of "because with or without you, I can't live this life", the separation with my superhero friend, still not knowing what I want; only knowing what I don't want, bloated stomach, missing my old body, or even telling the therapist to keep my nails in shape. Ultimate grump, huh? Don't worry it's just a few, I still have all the list, but most of them are human. They are the biggest contribution of my emotional hangover, thanks. Sigh.

Oh, I walk with this little hooman that day, Max Moore.

So that day when I had the afternoon walk at the beach, I'm just talking to myself, please please please universe, let me crack the code, if I have to be in Bali, then let me be. If I have to stay in Surabaya, give me more reason, or at least one only reason. If I have to go back to Jakarta, or if I have to move somewhere else, then lead me. Part of me just trying to keep convincing myself that "it's okay, and it's going to be okay". Forgive yourself for loving the wrong person, forgive yourself to have the time and energy to deal with, in the wrong working place and these assholes, forgive yourself of being tired asking where am I or where are we going, and it's okay to learn a little bit to chill in life.

Just forgive yourself and move on, that's it. 29 Will be beautiful, just like the beach, and you.

I'm gonna miss this, salty hair and sandy toes :')

Darling, Loving Yourself Means....

I broke my toe, you broke my heart.
All alone I watch you watch her.

I pulled myself on you, you didn't like that shit.
So I never mind that shit, too.

I let you underestimate me, so I can embarrass you,
but I don't do that.

I'm so afraid of being hurt,
you will never understand.

I'm so proud of you,
but you're too blind to see that.

I'm so in love with my job,
until you ruin it.

I didn't break the shower head,
you say I did.

I'm fighting a battle too,
you know nothing about.

A lot of "you", yes, as I can't mention the names and I don't have to.

I'm such a fool, I know. It delivers me to the part of introvert hangover that I can't avoid.
It's draining, I closed my eyes wishing for a healthy body and mind so I can bear the (at least) 16 hours working a day.
I believe in myself and the universe that karma always coming at the right time.
I do believe God helps me when I'm stumbling on my feet, through the people surround me, through the enemy that feels so close.
Until all the part in me, are tired. My hands are shaking while I sip my coffee, days mostly where even my coffee needs a coffee and so tired my tired is tired.
Guess what, 28 is hard too, you know, I thought 27 is the hardest, damn it's not! Haha.

It's me, playing the same game again and again. Playing the part of "it is fine to put people first, it is fine to let them broke my heart, it is fine to not saying anything when people judge, it is wrong to say no, it is wrong for not helping people." I forget to put my self first, I don't know what self-care is, I don't have the boundaries, I give 200 when I don't even have to give 100.

So then maybe, this is the time to do it. Stop needing people who don't deserve me, it's okay to be just good, not perfect. What about fallin' in love with myself all over again, every day? Having a mindset of "you are not selfish for wanting to be treated well", "you owe yourself the love you freely give to people", and "focusing a little more on yourself, is beautiful."

Just like Marie Jo Schwarz said,
"Darling, loving yourself means letting someone else love you too."

And of course, I do love you :')

Twenty Nine, I'm so blessed.

P.S. I made a wish in this beautiful picture, I was the happiest, spoiled birthday girl.