But Please---

 I posted this picture 5 years ago, 22 months after you passed away:

I know, I know it's 6 years 10 months today and I'm still grieving. I am sorry but I miss you that much that I always cry when I remember you, Lars. Not that I am upset that you are not here anymore, not that I want you to come back alive for me. I miss being myself without you trying to change me at all. I'm not perfect, nobody is, but at least you let me by myself that I could be messy, stubborn AF, happy and weird without any reasons, moody, or shitty and you never judge me for any second. I don't have a fake image to maintain, if I am so shitty there must be something. Life always as simple as "there's no smoke if there's no fire" and I could be shitty anytime; in the morning, afternoon, whenever someone upsets me; before or after coffee, I could be upset anytime when there is a cause and you never stop me, you never standing on their side for any once as you know you don't have to stand on my side either, but at least you don't say a thing, you don't stop me or you will assume that I am insecure people attacking me by being impolite. 

I bet you and Lee love heaven that much as people could be so shitty here. It cost ZERO energy to be polite, it cost ZERO energy to asking permission if anyone would love to take a picture of our belongings instead of sneaking around lesser than 1 freaking meter to just asking "Excuse me, your dogs are beautiful, do you mind if I take a picture of them?" IT COST NOTHING TO BE A POLITE HUMAN, FOR FUCK SAKE. 

And it cost nothing to don't say a thing instead of hurting your loved ones by standing on the wrong side which you and Lee never did. God, I miss you guys so much that words and tears couldn't describe, but I know you guys will be around in the shape of my son :') 

Thank you, for making me realize that there's no coincidence in this life.

P. S. You know what.

Two Shall Become One

My heart goes to those who have their wedding canceled this year due to Covid-19. And to my best friend, Daya, who will make his vow to his beloved wife on my birthday, congratulations! I am extremely grateful and happy for you both, and sad at the same time that I couldn't be there on your happiest day.

Speaking about the wedding, anything that you wish on your wedding day? Anything in mind about how you wish to get married; the person, the decoration, the bible quotes?

I have mine:

Cheesy handwriting and inserting a Cross:

The coffee cup:

In one old church, on bended knee:

Looking at my partner see me crying because he loves me that much:

And the bible quotes:

Wedding decoration to be advised as we never know where we all will be married.

But the things for sure:

• Marry who loves you in return,
• Marry who can say "I love you" to you; not only to his/ her friends, to his/ her staffs, or to even his/ her ex staffs, 
• Marry who wakes up with a smile knowing you are next to him/ her,
• Marry who understand that your involvement is not about you and controlling but it is for the entire family members, 
• Marry who are living the present by not keeping tons of his/ her ex pictures and have wishful thinking to still be with that person,
• Marry the one who's not only able to protect his/ her phone but also protect your heart,
• Marry the one who speaks up and stands up for yourself not only him/ herself,
• Marry the hard worker who knows what professional boundaries are,
• Marry the one who has nothing but a grateful heart of having you in his/ her side through thicks and thins and never gives up about you both.

My Lee was once sending me this :')

Breathe Easy

Lee, I could hear this song nonstop and trying not to cry :') 

I hope you like heaven as Lars does. You guys still need to look after me and mini-me soon.

I love you.

Cruel to the eye

I see the way he makes you smile

Cruel to the eye

Watching him hold what used to be mine

Why did I lie?

Why did I walk away to find

Oh why

Oh why

I can't breathe easy

Can't sleep at night

Till you're by my side

No I can't breathe easy

I can't dream yet another dream

Without you lying next to me

There's no air

Curse me inside

For every word that caused you to cry

Curse me inside

I won't forget, no, I won't baby,

I don't know why (don't know why)

I left the one I was looking to find

Oh why

Oh, why, why

I can't breathe easy

Can't sleep at night

Till you're by my side

No I can't breathe easy (breathe easy)

I can't dream yet another dream

Without you lying next to me…

Lyric Source: Google

Blue - Breathe Easy

Lost Without Chew

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Lee!

My God, my fingers are shaking and I couldn't hold my tears. I didn't forget your birthday, I know I should write this on the day of 31 July but hey, saying "Happy Birthday in Heaven" for twice in a row is aching my heart.

I miss you, I miss waking up next to you knowing how happy you are to have me in your life. I miss that wide smile even though your eyes still closed. I miss being loved by you, I miss your non-stop flirting like there's no tomorrow, I miss your stubbornness thinking that you are the one who won the lottery when you got me, I miss your British jokes, I miss your dodgy geordie accent, I miss everything about you, I miss seeing the best of me inside your eyes, Lee. 

Happy Birthday, there's so much to tell, but knowing you're not here anymore is just nonsense for me. As my message for almost every morning after you left, "you gotta get up for me, Lee." 

My hand-scratch on 7 October 2019:

Just because he loves Chewbacca as I do :')