Lost in Christmas VS Mother's Day

It was yesterday, the day that most of my friend posting about Mother's Day. Sweet, hey? And it seems that they really love their Mom and praise her 'that much' by the way they posting the picture and leave some good notes about. Me? Nope! Trying to see if I care about Mother's Day? Nope, still don't. I'm sorry, Mama.

Yes, I said I'm sorry Mama. I did celebrating Mother's Day for someone else. I'm telling Lars 's Mom how I wish could hug her and be strong as her. She's a single parent with her only son that I love the most: Lars Weddeler.

"Don't cry, baby girl. I whispered myself." She can't speak English, but she still could manage to talk to me through Facebook. Her only want is, to have a picture of Lars that she never see it before, very nice smile and he wear a hat. So I send it. I send my Lars's picture without any jealousy, afraid his Mom steal his smile from me.
After God took him away from me, the my-so-over-protective feeling is stronger. Haha, I'm so sorry, Luv, but I'm really sure you are still here. Mom said she were with you 3 years ago for Christmas. So I said it's the day we break up and I still keep the Christmas gift that I might give to her. And it is another reason why I put your name on my phone book as "Lost in Christmas" instead of "Lars Weddeler".

I did tell Mom, too, about that, Luv. About how I will never forget you, about how you will always be in my heart. Angelo tell me this evening, "Lars wants you to be happy, Lars wants you to move on. There is no limit for grieving, but you will get through this."

And the rain is falling, they're nice enough to be my representative how I'm struggling not to cry listening about what he said. About now I remember I didn't answer my psychiatry question when she's telling me "how genuine are you?" Genuine number one means you accept whatever God's decision. Means that you are very sure, from the bottom of your heart, it is God's plan who creates Lars, and it's okay, God. I accept it.
Number two, memorizing. What we remember is only about memory. Not as not genuine as it should be, but you just can't forget about him. It's like you have a box inside your heart that sometimes you just open, remembering, and close it. Put it the box there, and moving! Or number three: regret, thinking about "what if?" So which one are you? She asked.

So here I stand and then again I cry...

Still couldn't find the answer, but, happy Mother's day to you, too, Mbak Angesty!

She Wanted the Rainbow

So She Put Up with the Rain.

Yes, finally! I have never been this excited before when I leave the company that I'm working for.
Early Christmas gift? Possibly.
Things are getting so much better here, I get whatever I ain't got before with lots of interesting details;
office hours 9 to 6
Sunday Monday offs
both front and back of the house job
my own huge office
not wearing the uniform, after 23 years with uniform, hell yeah!
got my dress laundered and nicely put on my own wardrobe at the office
4 beautiful ladies whose very expert on their job
head of a department? 27 years old? why not!
What else? Might too many, but small attention and little conversation in between my office hours every day with my General Manager are a bonus!

Is it a good start hey? After spend some time with my parents telling them what's spinning on my mind for 27 years I'm living, enjoying a JakVegas life before the new job, moving to a new place that only 700 m away from work and 800 m away from the beach. That was truly a blessing after raindrops! Even my partner said, "It sounds like everything is going great with your new job. As they say, good things come to those who wait. Well done and it is great to hear how happy you seem in your new job."

14 months waiting for this new job, while I didn't see my amazing partner physically for 8 months is taught me these:

Good things come to those who wait :')

Just... Start.

Phew...!

I can't recall –when-I-never saying to myself, “Thank God!”

Happy, super happy, very happy, you name it. Even though I still remember how hard I try to leave my previous company that I’m working for, with all the drama and backstab stories on it. Seriously, I don’t want to remember as it only brings you to a negative huge stage, while where am I now, it’s only about positive; radiance, vibes, energy, environment.

I was quite often giving up before, give up with too many questions on my mind; like “why is so hard to leave this place, the place where I don’t belong?” I woke up with another question “really, do I have to work today?” 

No, no. It doesn’t mean I didn’t grateful that I have a proper job with enough salary to fulfil my needs, doesn’t work that way. But dealing with the negative working environment is taking extra energy and killing you softly; you barely breathing and keep whispering yourself “you’ll be okay, baby girl.”

So here I am now, in heaven for my mind, a place where I finally believe, “you cannot have a positive life with the negative mind.” My two strong reasons; JK and FL- even can’t help me anymore to stay longer, I remember. But then I was thinking this way:

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I’m nervous, definitely. New position with super caring boss who even serve me a cup of cafe latte on my 3^rd day around and sitting next to me when we had Head of Department dinner, having my own huge office surrounded by him- the General Manager, and Executive Assistant Manager, not wearing a uniform, 9 to 6 schedule every Tuesday to Saturday, Sunday Monday off and definitely still with ACCOR, which I know it would be positive sign for me if one day I finally reach my man in Sydney.

The good quotes said, “Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hand shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just... start.

 P.S. I’m not a selfie fan, so excuse me, my first picture in my office after rewarding myself with new... ehm!

No Matter How Soft the Voice

Do you ever gamble yourself or fight in the battle of heart's guidance?
When your pride said "It's impossible"
When your experience said "It's risky"
When your reason said "It's pointless"
Then your heart finally tell you "Give it a try"?

I was at one of the junk-food corner having my Chicken Swiss Mushroom and suddenly getting random with my mind...
"Damn, I should listen to my heart, shame you regret!"

This is maybe why I got stuck here, at the place where I don't belong.

And starting from now on, I let her (my heart) take the control:

no matter how soft the voice

It's on your left side, but it will always be

RIGHT.... 

Menguji Keikhlasan Kasih Ibu

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Hanya saja, luka dan duka yang tidak kunjung hilang, selalu mengantarkan saya kepada pertanyaan, kenapa surga harus berada di telapak kaki Ibu? Kenapa tidak di telapak kaki Ayah? Atau kenapa tidak di antara bintang, yang selalu ada walau bumi sedang berputar.

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa sapu lidi yang mereka gunakan untuk membersihkan kotoran, melayang di tubuh saya setiap kali Ibu berhadapan dengan rasa marah?
Kenapa tangan halus Ibu saat menyusui saya dan kedua kakak-kakak saya harus menjadi merah setelah Ibu mendaratkan keras di tubuh saya saat kesal sedang menghantui Ibu?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa Ibu membiarkan bahu orang lain menjadi sandaran untuk saya, saat saya menangis ketakutan, waktu Ibu kerasukan setan entah apa, Ibu hanya ingin melampiaskan semua amarah kepada saya.
Kenapa Ibu memaksa saya bersalaman dengan seorang rentenir, hanya untuk menunjukkan kepada orang lain bahwa anak Ibu punya rasa hormat dan agar dibekali seribu rupiah?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa buah tangan untuk saya, dari salah satu sanak saudara, Ibu gunakan untuk mendapatkan keuntungan dalam bentuk materi, dari anak Ibu sendiri?
Kenapa Ibu mencaci lelaki saya, dan mendadak memujanya setengah mati waktu tau dia sangat berlimpah materi?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Kasih saya tetap ada, saya tetap memuja Ibu dan masih bangga, waktu sujud Ibu kepada Tuhanmu, berada di bawah ayat Tuhan perantara saya.
Kali itu saya masih percaya bahwa ikhlas berada di sana, di antara jarak dan perbedaan.

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Hari ini, sebuah rangkaian kalimat oleh salah seorang sahabat, saya baca kembali, dia bahkan tidak lupa mengingatkan "jangan keraskan hatimu, tetap didengar rupanya kalau sudah berdoa buat anaknya."

Selamat ulang tahun Ma! Jangan mengemis lagi soal cinta, karena yang ditawarkan manusia memang tidak ada yang sempurna.

Dari penggalan "Sudah Lima Belas Tahun aku tak Bertemu Ibu."

Untuk para Ibu dan untuk calon Ibu yang memutuskan untuk tidak melahirkan anaknya, lengkap dengan segala laranya,

dari Bali.

Good Catch on Summer Night

It's not my birthday, it's his.
But I'm smiling like a kid blushing got her cotton candy.

Haha! I can't even reach him as he spend his time with family for his birthday, at their holiday's house, out of Sydney, so I just leave -a-not-cute-voice-message- with very beautiful back-sound of:

Babyface - Everytime I Close My Eyes

"Alright, I'm... I'm trying to call you but as you telling me of voicemail or you told me before that you have no reception, so I know it's 12 o'clock already in Sydney or somewhere else that whenever you are, uhm.. wherever you are, I mean. So, Happy Birthday to my amazing man in the world. Uhm.. I don't know, I almost cry now, I can't tell you how much I'm happy to have you around. Mmm... Yup.. It feels like you're my spring time in winter, it feels like Christmas in June, and it feels like heaven has opened up it's gates for me and you... Mmm... So Happy Birthday, again, I'm happy that we made it so far.

As I'm telling you few days ago on Skype, that I'm telling everyone about you, like you really put a star on my, on my sky and I don't wanna losing you, however. So I wish you all the best, more successful in the future. I know you're working hard for yourself, for your own future and you're doing good, you're doing amazing. Uhm.. It's just really a blessing that I found somebody like my James. All the best, and I talk to you soon!"

Beep...! Yes, nervous!

I wish you're just waking up next to me, cuddles 'lil bit longer, coffee, and reminiscing a year ago, the day that remind me to that "Summer Night" on June.

Not a good picture, but...

Distance means nothing when you're means everything...

My Will - Your Joy

Again, not yet. I was sitting quietly at The Seminyak Beach Resort & Spa waiting for my cab bring me to a place I can get a good food, good coffee and good rest; home at last.

Calm down...

Deep breaths...

One Minute Meditations

29

JUNE

My Will - Your Joy

The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.

Psalm 121:5

You can never go beyond My love and care. Circumstances I bless and use must be right ones for you. 

But the first step is to lay your will before Me as an offering, sure that if you trust Me, what I do for you will be best.

Your second step is to be sure that I am powerful enough to do everything, that no miracle is impossible with Me.

Then leave all with Me.

♥

 

 

 

For all things makes me wonder, and you, my man that I met a year ago, and text me this date, a year ago :')

Happy Birthday In Heaven, Lars!

My hands stiff, frozen.

Well, my Lars Weddeler... I'm sorry that I didn't celebrate your birthday with too many prayers for you.
I choose a quiet night to wish you a very happy soul and you just fine up there.
Even though I can feel you just next to me and you must be laughing on me because I almost crying every night asking whether you're there or not.
I know, I know I might be too selfish until I finally dream something push me to let you go.

My so-not-romantic guy, I start hating anyone who tells me that you're no longer here with me.
I choose not to hear them when they said "let him go". Baby, tell me what should I do? Tell me what should I tell, that you never really leave, when I know I can still feel you around when I know you're just sleeping next to me and you hold me tight just like a month before you go.
Yeah, which you never do that to the other nights we have, and I was never thinking it was a sign, one of the sign I mean, my Mr. Not Romantic Guy becoming very super melancholics and full of surprise :) -(but you still annoying, though).

Another year was gone, we were celebrating your birthday last year. A day that I can't stop crying- upset at the same time when they won't write wishes for me just because they thought I'm not going to move on.

 Birthday cake " Lars Weddeler, Happy Birthday, Luv. ♥Risya "

 Questioning "Why do the best people die?" It's just like when you're in a garden, you pick the most beautiful flowers :') . Sr. Nena with me, pray & comforting. Aaahhh :(

  And they say, "She loves you, Lars!" -yes, she is.

No more celebration, birthday boy! It will be only you and me, in bed. I will only remember you when the last time we met to re-set-up our future. The day that we both admit that we can't really live without each other :')
P.S. You are super sweet that night, I was wondering how the other girls treat you like; until you finally realized that I'm the one and only. Haha! I know, you will tell me I'm too confidence, but again, we have confession night that time.
So my forever soul-mate, after I talked to Owen this afternoon, I will only visit Chiang Mai if I did travel to Germany because I wanna meet Mutti Christel. I'll thank her for delivering you to my world, bring her white flowers just like you want me to put them at home.
We will walk to visit orphanage and see the kids there, one of your favorite :')
Come to you and ask her to leave us...
Oh, she can stay! She will hear how my day dreaming changes from "have an ice cream in Paris" to be "visiting Germany; you and your mom". Telling you how much you meant to me, how I'm laughing when Dewi try to introduce you to me while actually you're my forever man, how James is totally becoming my own rainbow after I met him a year ago (don't be jealous, you're gonna like him!).
And how I ask my dad and mom pray for me that I can quit my job after they wishing you a happy birthday.

That's it? No. I owe you lots of stories which I know I don't have to tell you, but I might need to tell your mom (well, because you really know what happen- yeah you're always next to me anyway).

You're 34 that time, and you're turning 36 today. Numbers! How I wish I had more days, weeks, another life; enough time to see you one last time.

P.S. Guess What.