41 White Roses

Happy Birthday In Heaven, Lars Sayang!

You'll be 41YO today if you still around and I will see some white hairs (if you grow your hair, lol). I'll be laughing all day about you getting old and you will use it as an excuse to ask me to scratch your back very long before you sleep and I'll do it anyway even though I'm sleepy. 

I love you; there is so much story to tell, but don't worry, it will be not much more than my love for you. I hope you enjoy your day in heaven with Lee, it marked 7 months after he left, you guys could have a drink or two for me, okay?

Okay.

P.S. You Know What :')

The Gift and the Karma

I dream of this tree two weeks ago. The tree in front of the house that we live in. Then I wrote a caption "There are no words of a coincidence under this horizon." -GF

It's been tough weeks, not only for us but for everybody. Gareth had dengue two weeks ago. We had medical on call for three days in a row before we decide to be taken care of in the hospital. I was home and not any days that I don't have to do anything else other than to look after him, the house and the kids. It will be a different story if I'm in Jakarta or still work for a hotel. 

Covid-19 Pandemic is around the world, we can't avoid that. Lots of people lose their job, lose hope, even lose their loved ones; dead or alive. Some of them who are trapped in a house with their partner are realized they are not meant to be that they decide to wish everything well between two of them in the future and move on. Some are trying to get used to both existences that rarely happened in the past. Some are moving to the next level and have a stronger faith that everything will be alright. 

But then this is not only about relationship, it is health and economy. I could say nothing's change in this situation, I'm quite comfortable with just having my daily life, but being home with the kids is new, it's a mega bonus that I was dreaming of this since long time ago. We are comfortable, there is food in the table, bills are managed that we don't have to seek help from strangers or friends. When we can do good, we do good. When we can help, we do help. And there are worse days that I need to deal with people who fake the conversation before asking for a favor, and I still help them anyway. 

Some will see this pandemic as a gift, some will see this as karma. We all believe that what goes around comes around. We just don't realize, perhaps in the past, we talk too much to impress people or to hide our lack of confidence, perhaps in the past we stand so big that others are small, perhaps in the past, we talk too loud that we can't listen others speaking, perhaps in the past, we are too cocky, too confident that our business is better than others, perhaps in the past we are too busy to impress people that we forget to impress our own life, perhaps in the past, we think we are the riches, the handsomeness, the most ideal and the perfect ones that we forget not everyone is beautiful and nothing or no one in this world is perfect, perhaps in the past, we ignore people who love us and hurt them that we're too busy with people who don't. Perhaps this is the right moment to apologize to yourself, to the people you hurt as they might be the ones who always on your side no matter what, and see the good things in every bad thing happened.

Pict Source: Google

Do you take this moment to reflect on yourself? I do and I hope you do, too. And for me, this is the gift. Whatever the universe brings to me, it is always a gift, and the universe trust not only who speaks nice, it is trusting more the people with a good heart and doing good karma for their life.

Pict Source: Haroon Rashid

Holding the Boundaries

It is never my job to be everything to everyone. But some people are still too delusional that they think it's disrespectful when I don't forgive and let the shit go, and allow them to continue to disrespect me. And it's never the first time for me to listen to "let it go, Risy, we met people who say something we don't like but we need to accept that." Not for me, I am not you that live to impress everybody else and forget to impress your own life. Not everybody deserves my forgiveness and I am not always genuinely willing to let the shit go for the cause that made by assholes on this island. One act like he knows everything about me, one playing around with my human right in my own country that a joke is never ON when it leads to insecurities feeling (I will steal your dog when you are in Jakarta, come on, it is not funny, you ass!), one generalize me the same as she only has trashy friends who always takes her for granted (in this case, material things), the other one thinks she is special and she has the privilege to let me down and not appreciate my existence. Some just being idiots for taking people's kindness for granted thinking they will be just fine.

Stand in my shoes, you will not survive this unbearable pain that I am holding for years and years, and what I only want is simple: go fucking away from our fucking life. 

I am peace enough until you guys make me pissed and not knowing that I am not holding the grudge. I am holding stronger boundaries to not letting you all underestimate me again. Enough is just enough. Do you think it is okay to hurt anyone who never hurt you in the first place? No, it's not. It is not okay to hurt people who never hurt you and it is not okay to let them hurt me even more. 

Trust me, "treat me nice and I will treat you better" is so common in humans life or even as simple as "we seek to deal with others as we would have them deal with us."

Pict Source: Pinterest