Humming A Tune

Not my favorite place, really. 

Not a place that I want to stay for long term period, but you always have a reason or two, to either you pretend that you enjoy the time there or you really enjoy that.

For me, depends. But I really like it when everyone spends their time to sit and had the talk celebrating my 29 that time. It’s another day that my cheek getting red and I couldn’t be more thankful surrounded by beautiful people in my life.
Oops, sorry I can’t get enough with my birthday celebration, sorry! I know, I know, it’s September already, this would be my another favorite month as I’m so ready to move onto a better place, I’m so ready to start the self-care, focusing on myself more, and giving up the drama that not even mine. Seriously, some people just don't grasp the concept of unwelcome, and just like in a circus, too many freaks, I'm so done, ha!
I'm humming a tune, "Through chaos as it swirls, it's us against the world...." yep, Coldplay. I got that September rhythm as on this month, there are 2 of my team members that getting married, there are 5 of my team members having their last day, congratulation! It will be Dan's birthday soon, my Dad's birthday, my nephew's birthday, and my Mom's birthday. See, I have no reason not to be happy, I have no reason to not start loving myself more because I will be happy for them and I might have the chance to celebrate with them as well. Isn't it beautiful, to even have the time to write about it? Maybe I miss this, I miss to write more, I miss to praise more, and I miss the time when I fallin' in love. It feels so good tho, when someone sees you cry and he just telling you "you're too beautiful to cry with that red nose. You're a beautiful lady with a beautiful soul and huge heart, you just need to be happy. Go get a coffee, eat that cheesecake, and have the ice cream."
I start thinking about that and I want to feel that again. And guess what? It's maybe okay to falling in love again, it's maybe a chance to have someone to remind you to love yourself more so that you may know how to live with self-respect.
I'm humming a tune, again, "ooh this could be messy, but you don't seem to mind...." from the one and only, Alanis Morisette.

"And just like everyone else, I am a few minutes late from becoming, from blooming into something the rain can relate to. I am falling for more. Falling for the love the world is trying to hide." - R. M. Drake

The Emotional Hangovers

I have few hours left to write about my most favorite month, August. Not only because of lots of unexpected birthday celebration, but I feel like I belong to this month a lot. Even one day before I turn to 29, it was 8 August which I'm still 28 that day, 23 days ago!
Time flies, it is. Time is running out, yes. I was 3 years old little girl 2 minutes ago, and I will be 30 soon that I can't even hear the clock ticking.
It was a bright beautiful afternoon on my last day of being 28 years old. Was so excited for tomorrow and was so relieved at the same time. It's going to be my year, I whisper to myself. There will be no more questions that I don't even want to hear the answers.

4:35PM Bali Beach, Petitenget

Emotional hangovers, totally. Working with assholes, sitting at the same table with new girlfriend of my former lover, round in circles with the feeling of "because with or without you, I can't live this life", the separation with my superhero friend, still not knowing what I want; only knowing what I don't want, bloated stomach, missing my old body, or even telling the therapist to keep my nails in shape. Ultimate grump, huh? Don't worry it's just a few, I still have all the list, but most of them are human. They are the biggest contribution of my emotional hangover, thanks. Sigh.

Oh, I walk with this little hooman that day, Max Moore.

So that day when I had the afternoon walk at the beach, I'm just talking to myself, please please please universe, let me crack the code, if I have to be in Bali, then let me be. If I have to stay in Surabaya, give me more reason, or at least one only reason. If I have to go back to Jakarta, or if I have to move somewhere else, then lead me. Part of me just trying to keep convincing myself that "it's okay, and it's going to be okay". Forgive yourself for loving the wrong person, forgive yourself to have the time and energy to deal with, in the wrong working place and these assholes, forgive yourself of being tired asking where am I or where are we going, and it's okay to learn a little bit to chill in life.

Just forgive yourself and move on, that's it. 29 Will be beautiful, just like the beach, and you.

I'm gonna miss this, salty hair and sandy toes :')

Darling, Loving Yourself Means....

I broke my toe, you broke my heart.
All alone I watch you watch her.

I pulled myself on you, you didn't like that shit.
So I never mind that shit, too.

I let you underestimate me, so I can embarrass you,
but I don't do that.

I'm so afraid of being hurt,
you will never understand.

I'm so proud of you,
but you're too blind to see that.

I'm so in love with my job,
until you ruin it.

I didn't break the shower head,
you say I did.

I'm fighting a battle too,
you know nothing about.

A lot of "you", yes, as I can't mention the names and I don't have to.

I'm such a fool, I know. It delivers me to the part of introvert hangover that I can't avoid.
It's draining, I closed my eyes wishing for a healthy body and mind so I can bear the (at least) 16 hours working a day.
I believe in myself and the universe that karma always coming at the right time.
I do believe God helps me when I'm stumbling on my feet, through the people surround me, through the enemy that feels so close.
Until all the part in me, are tired. My hands are shaking while I sip my coffee, days mostly where even my coffee needs a coffee and so tired my tired is tired.
Guess what, 28 is hard too, you know, I thought 27 is the hardest, damn it's not! Haha.

It's me, playing the same game again and again. Playing the part of "it is fine to put people first, it is fine to let them broke my heart, it is fine to not saying anything when people judge, it is wrong to say no, it is wrong for not helping people." I forget to put my self first, I don't know what self-care is, I don't have the boundaries, I give 200 when I don't even have to give 100.

So then maybe, this is the time to do it. Stop needing people who don't deserve me, it's okay to be just good, not perfect. What about fallin' in love with myself all over again, every day? Having a mindset of "you are not selfish for wanting to be treated well", "you owe yourself the love you freely give to people", and "focusing a little more on yourself, is beautiful."

Just like Marie Jo Schwarz said,
"Darling, loving yourself means letting someone else love you too."

And of course, I do love you :')

Twenty Nine, I'm so blessed.

P.S. I made a wish in this beautiful picture, I was the happiest, spoiled birthday girl.

Supermarket Flowers

I re-read his message when he reminds me to come home, again and again. I don't know where is home, don't know what is that. He describes me a home by being himself as a lover that could be my father sometimes, could be my mother, could be my brother, and he could be my favorite asshole, too. That's how I love him, I always have reasons to falling in love again and again with him, the way falling in love should be, even with the same person, for a hundred times, a thousand times? Dead or alive?

And for even after 45 months after his passing, you were to ask me if I still love him? Of course, I do.

That when God took you back, He said, "Hallelujah, you're home."

A beautiful song, Supermarket Flowers - Ed Sheeran :(

Always “Too Soon”

“I will burn a thousand villages to see my Dad,” Andy said, the husband of my twin soul, Dewi. His Dad also living in Heaven. Dewi and Lars are having only one day difference birthday. Not today, it was 18 June for Lars and 19 June for Dewi. I didn’t say anything; I choose another quiet day for myself after heavy raining in the morning. Went to the bakery shop, buy the cakes that I’m sure you like. Went to the flower shop, not a white one, it comes with color that day, because I celebrate Dewi’s birthday in silent, too. I went home, to the Catholic nuns and hold my tears when I’m holding Sr. Nena’s hands. She put the flower in the chapel and says I will pass the flowers for Holy Mary, Happy Birthday to Lars in heaven and to your friend, she said.
I went to the church, sitting next to you ( I know you were there), I tell God to send my message that I wish I don’t have to celebrate your birthday alone (again and again). I pray so that I can come back to where I belong, Bali, or Jakarta, or anywhere you think that would be good for me, Hong Kong, Ireland? We don’t know. I make a wish for Dewi, for her marriage journey with Andy, and for your friendship with her. I love you two, always.
Today, June 27, 2017, is 44 months since your passing. My heart still broke with my body still literally aches every time I know that I never see you again. The raindrop that landing on my cheek that morning, I know it’s a kiss from you, from Heaven. Happy Birthday, Lars Sayang. Selamat Ulang Tahun Mbak Dewi. You’re only 38 if you’re still here, Sayang. And you left when you’re only 34, it’s just so soon, too soon.
People still check on me, about you. I said you’re everywhere, in the ocean, the wind, the rain, in the air that I breathe too.

P.S. You know what.

Save A Place For Me

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Lars!

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Make the most of my time just like you did (like you did)

And I wanna live my life just like you did (like you did)
Make the most of my time just like you did (like you did)
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there, just


Save a place for me
Save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon.
I'll be there soon.

Matthew West - Save A Place for Me

Not that Friday Feeling

I let a fool affect my life so much.
My parents didn't teach their kids that other people's opinions of me, do not mean shit.

So I listen to Kevin and ignore -that-person-I-won't-talk-about- because she means nothing.

I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm fine. Leave me alone. Come here. Donuts. Love me.

Something Just Like This

Kevin!
Still, the same Kevin that I adore not because he has perfect American accent that I can talk 24 hours with, my second jackpot in life after Lars. I like Kevin and I like our friendship.

Oh, I like Coldplay too, for sure. And as this morning I saw the highlight of joint performance at The BRIT Awards with The Chainsmokers, Something Just Like This, I remember Kevin.

I reply his sarcasm message this morning because he's almost giving up remind me about, ehm, long working hours at work and being too cold with men. Don't ask me, ask Kevin. I even ask Kevin what am I, and I like his reply,
"I think you are who you choose to be at the moment. I don't think anyone but me (and a small handful of others) would describe you as unsure or vulnerable. Project a public image of "Sheena" the Warrior Princess, but privately more like "Dora" the Explorer."

Kevin and Kai. Not really sure how to describe our friendship, something in the way he makes me feel like, I want you to stay. I want someone like Kevin, I want "Something Just Like This."

I'm not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts

When Everything Feels Like the Movie

Yeah, you bleed just to know your alive!

And I am still, alive, I'm sure?
It wasn't my plan to watch this sad movie, "Me Before You". If I knew that it will be sad, of course, I will just turn off the TV.

I don't have 'that' chance, no I don't. To look after you before you're gone, forever. I don't have 'that' chance, to be that woman who can say "I kissed him, trying to bring him back. I kissed him and let my lips rest against his so that our breath mingled and the tears from my eyes became salt on his skin, and I told myself that, somewhere, tiny particles of him would become tiny particles of me, ingested, swallowed, alive, perpetual. I wanted to press every bit of me against him. I wanted to will something into him. I wanted to give him every bit of life I felt and force him to live." -Page 360, Jojo Moyes

The day that I know that you're passed away, I can feel this world freeze for seconds, my teary eyes when I had fire alarm meeting just can't stand there anymore. I just want to run from where am I that time, I want to scream as loud as I can. I love you, how am I supposed to live with that?

But ya, I am that girl who finally can say "I held him close and said nothing, all the while telling him silently that he was loved. Oh, but he was loved." -Page 361, Jojo Moyes; on the day when I saw you for the last time, the body that just... rest, for forever, and say nothing.

It hits me so much harder than I ever thought it would, even after more than three years, my love.

The bumblebee tights, I don't want that. I just want you, again, one more time, Lars. One more time.

Please.. please.. please.... :'(

 Just live.

My S(t)orry for, 2016...

It wasn't a waste of time if you learned something, I have to agree on that. And the biggest thing I've learned is, "It's okay."

I know 2016 reached its end, closing the circles and shutting the doors, but I'm always thankful for:
- Celebrate New Year 2016 in Melasti beach,
- Dive into juicy stuff about.. relationship in Ubud,
- Chinese New Year at The Mulia
- Two times hospitalized in Siloam Bali,
- Valentine's day by having Hersey's chocolate and movie,
- Friend-zone that still exist,
- Maybe my most favorite; Easter Gift and Easter Break with you & Jasmine in Bali,
- Some Marriott International events; APAC GM &OPS Meeting, launch What The Truck!
- Almost home; Hong Kong, with you and Jasmine,
- Lars and his Mom,
- Quick trip to Singapore,
- Public Holiday escape to Surabaya,
- Five weeks in Jakarta, oh, tell me about it!
- My birthday with my favorite American friend who's too in love with Indonesia,
- My love to my best that still the same, Xtie & Ajung,
- Friendship all over the world,
- The coincident of meeting some people at the beach, ice cream place, coffee shop,
- The jobs that doesn't suit you,
- A workaholic Chef who's never give up on trying; you'll be okay,
- Mba' Angesti, super duper psychiatrist who never give up on me,
- Back to work = come back home, you know where.

and...
... and... and... and...
and... and... and...
...

I could write a thousand things happened; it's quite unintentionally taught me something about myself. And in the end, all I learned was how to be strong alone, I guess?

Those, who's on the picture, I'd love to see you all again in 2017, or even longer. And the story in the past, it's okay for me to just leave it behind, we have to be willing to lose anyway so we can win; in love, in life, in everything.

Like -The Word Virus- said, "It's beautiful, isn't it? How it all hurts but we never give up."

And this morning, you taught me that all pieces fall into place. Happy New Year, 2017, yoUniverse!