Cause the Drinks Bring Back All the Memories

"I'm sorry, I wish I could stop him. I'm so sorry." Pond tried not to cry when she talks to me last night. Her tiny lips are shaking and she's holding her teary eyes and keep focus looking at me while her hands trying to comfort me.
I said to myself, please don't cry. I remember Lars' Mom is trying her best to show me that she is strong because she knows I'll be super weak if she is also sad about the loss of Lars. This time I have to act that way. Grieving of Lee in Lars' Mom way. Stay strong, please please please, baby girl. Phew. I look at the roof, the wall and hold my breath.

"I love him, Pond."
"He loves you more, it's such a deep feeling between you two. I still can't believe that Lee left. I said to my friend I wish something can bring him back. It's hard for me to believe it", Pond said.
"I know, he scares me with the huge love that he has. I run away. I'm too scared. He flirts too much, he loves me too much. And I think it's crazy, Pond. Noone ready for attachment, nor relationship." I start biting my lip and keep looking around so tears not drop.

I was so upset to Lee that I decide to just ignore his all messages, I said I need fresh air. He's at the hospital just a night after that. I did say sorry that he didn't deserve the silence, I send him a song from John Mayer - Carry Me Away, I draw a Saury picture. And he's gone three days after I apologize, he forgives me. He loves me, he loves all of us. He supports me, he supports all of us.  And if I could travel back in time, I would love to thank him for all the love he has for me, all the crazy things he did to stick around with me, all the good things he did, all the plans he has to keep me happy.
And a few seconds to just say that I will always love him that I should stop hide it just because I'm too scared to lose him.
Lee, I am sorry that I always think we are all having tomorrow but we're not. You have no idea how much it kills me not talking to you and hearing your voice anymore. I wasn't ready to say goodbye and will never be ready.

You are the good days of everybody who loves you, Lee. I bet you're smiling up there seeing us here :')

'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories

Of everything we've been through.

The Refillable Glass

“Your glass is half empty, Risy.” 

Most of the time I will reply “Doesn’t matter, it is still not full.” Without seeing the face and tried to walk away. I gulped and hold my tears. For every time you said my glass is half empty, I act like I’m alright, not offended, trying to laugh or just pretend that I’m totally okay, exactly the same as “I know every single thing but I act like I know nothing.” 

Trust me, it’s so hard to pretend that everything is okay, to pretend that I know nothing and to just keep silent when they intimidate me just because they assume I will not know, I’m not in Bali, I will not care, etc. And when they finally know that I am not okay, that I actually know everything, still, everyone upset. When I speak, it’s called bitching. When I talk, it’s called snide. When I give my opinion, it’s not allowed. 

If I may say this time so I can breathe easily, allow me (trust me I’m nervous; I shook my legs, I bit my lip, and hold my teary eyes):

1. “Perception means we don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.” – Rachel Hollis,
2. Even though I have a break time with God, I still believe that my glass overflow with His blessings, read Psalm 23:5 for details,
3. I always appreciate that I have a glass, whether it’s empty, full, half empty, half full,
4. Technically, the glass is always full: half air, half water,
5. Apart from the negative person sees the glass is half empty and the positive person sees it half full, I am the real person that adds Gin & Lemon and says “I don’t care, I love it, you don’t have to be so damn hard to please",
6. Don’t miss the point, the glass is refillable. It’s not up to you if I’d like to add more, to pour it out or to just say “I need another drink”, because one day I choose to walk away, you’ll only see the empty chair and the empty table without the glass :’) 

And if it’s half-empty, I don’t know what it’s all about; all the trips that I made to keep coming back to you, to choose you again and again. Really, I don’t know. Maybe pure love really produces pure nonsense and never win. While pretty face, beautiful body and fake love always win. 

I don’t wanna win, I just wanna love you sincerely, and walk away to refill my glass; watching you see things in real and finally understand how it feels, at the time I throw my glass. 

My picture from 2015 at Nook Bali.

It is still not full, and it’s okay :’)

Love as a Reward

“Hey, I don’t know why but you’re the first person I’d like to share this great news with, even though I realize I suppose to call you next year as I promise I will only try to find you again when I become that number one person, the most successful one.”

My heartbeat stopped, we didn’t talk for years and years. It’s not that I disconnect from him but I thought he decides it as I remember I told him “I do not deserve, you don’t have to suffer this much, I can’t see you in pain, Kiddo, let me leave :’)”

But then he said “You can control everything, but not feeling. You can make a fake smile but you can’t make fake happiness, and in the end no matter how hard I try, after all this time, I find u again.”

The heartbeat stopped again. I need to breathe.

As much as you think I have so many love stories, being loved by someone is always the greatest one. I do loving and giving and I stop expecting anything in return. You have no idea how hard it is waking up with someone in the morning who didn’t fall in love with you, you have no idea how to keep everything comfortable with someone who thinks comfortable is just more than enough as it possibly enough compares to relationship status, marriage life and or commitment that none of us will not ready.

Life is senseless, I know. I no longer afraid if tomorrow never comes, what I’m afraid is I’m losing the chance to let my people know how much they've meant to me, as much as I want those assholes to know that you don’t have to be too assholes in this life, in my country, in my personal life. I say whatever I want when I have to, and I’m not worried, as long as it is right and necessary.

Love is love, have that faith, whenever you are being who you are, believe that you don’t have to lower your standards, you don’t have to change to be accepted. I’m done with it, and I always remember every time I'm being myself, I actually being loved sincerely. He rewards my honesty with his true love, and I still think that I don’t deserve.

Funny how I could love someone with extra efforts and things is too blurred to be seen. When I’m searching myself in him, he tried to search it to anybody else as well, exactly like a vicious circle but then I still think that “hey that’s about love, right, even if it is not returned, it never goes away.” It’s just not it never goes away, but one day you’ll find the one who loves you the way you love.
You’ll find someone who looks at you like the way Roxy does, you’ll find someone who smiles with his eyes closed and wide smile in the morning tried to tell you he’s the happiest guy ever, you’ll find someone who knows your heart is his home. It doesn’t really matter whether it is “He, who you love” or anybody else who “loves you the way you love.”
Have a faith baby, have a faith. Try to trust yourself again and again, you never beg and they will always stay. They reward you with true love with all the sincerest love you gave.

I’m not worried, I will keep loving and giving, as the reward will be even greater than being loved anyway.

To the most loving man in the world, I know you read my blog every single freaking time. I don’t know if I have to say “Welcome Back Home.” But I always wish you the greatest things in this world. You taught me so much to appreciate myself more before anybody else, to be loved by someone, it is surely not necessary to be somebody else.

Happy belated birthday, Kiddo, Happy Chinese New Year, may the year of the Rat bring you good luck and good fortune.

Robbie Williams - She's The One (Live at Knebworth) 

P.S. I listen to this song many times today and trying not to cry.

Thank you, for letting me be who I am, for the trust you have since day one, for rebuild my trust that I don't have to put extra effort when I love someone and change myself to be accepted :')