Out Loud Story Slam

I don’t know that I’ll be back in Bali this soon. I’m not the only one that not ready, but it giving the concerns to my friends, my people, my inner circle. They worried, maybe much more than me. As they know how fit I am to be living in Jakarta, they’re not sure if I will be comfortable this time. My friends on the island, of course, happy and excited to catch up and keep up with my island life.

Seminyak Sunset, 2016, taken by me.

Raising the kids with someone you fall in love with can be easy, but can be hard to manage the emotional feelings involved too. Not everything is too grey most of the time, but on this small island with too many mouths, giving me that much pain, too. I can’t run from it, really. As much as I keep my mouth shut and not showing what exactly happened, I would like to scream out loud, too, sometime. And I think maybe this is the time because I won’t keep it any longer by myself, or maybe this is the time you guys can finally know, or maybe this is a good time to share to the women out there to keep open your eyes and open the door a little bit, instead of battling with yourself thinking “What did I do wrong? Why not me? What is less in me?”

Been there, done that. I keep searching myself in this person. I keep asking tons of why I’m not the one? Been sick body and soul, even until now, I could tell. And the battle not only between me and that person but by people surrounded. You have no idea how the gossip in this island spread as fast you blink your eyes. And guess what, most people on the island know each other and they love getting involved in other people’s business. Wanna make a bet?

1. "We saw his staff wearing low cleavage and not wearing casual working attire and talk like a slut every time he's at work", 
2. "We saw different girls stopped by to say hello or asking him to print something or do anything to just get his attention",
3. "Why him? His baggage is too heavy and he still carries that even though he has the choice to leave it",
4. "We saw him with his other girlfriend, a married woman and they look so In love", 
5. "He brings someone to the house when you were sick at the hospital and celebrates his birthday", 
6. "He’s partying when you are sick in a row, like really, he still having fun when you are sick thinking about him and everything. Really?"
7. "He looks like the one who dates my mom’s friend from school, pretty sure he is, and my friends’ parents still together tho?",
8. "While he keeps his big mouth in building his own business and show off to the island, you secretly looking for the fund, what the hell are you thinking? He even sign-up the social media account that end up to use it to follow other girls, and you still close your eyes for this?"
9. "He’s dating a hostess and brings her to the place you normally don’t go and looks sharp",
10. "He’s trying to get closer to a person who practices law, my mutual friend and of course we know that you guys together. Well, she’s being nice just because he is her client. She will need that for her portfolio, and as we are in the small circle, we know that she is the friend of our friends, not a good idea, baby"
11. "He wants to take her for a holiday in Australia, even to Europe, OH MY GOD",
12. "You join the bike ride on Sunday, right? Come on".

My dear friends, all over the world, all over the island, for as far I keep in silent for whatever the statement and the questions, I knew it. I know more than you know. And if you really must know about how I see things in a different point of views (this is reminded in general and I’m not going to talk about a specific person, bear in mind!).

• Westerners in Asia is like a kid in a candy store, that mentions it all. They just need to smart enough in choosing who they date with. Some care about this some not. I’m lucky I’m surrounded those who have class, easy for me to hang out with their girls. Snobby and picky? I have to,
• Not everyone capable to be a supervisor, manager, director, but this title is easy to get, especially here. You wear shorts to work, show your boobs and thighs, send your selfie picture, ask him to be your date in the events, talk with a voice of horny slut to your boss and pretend that you are friendly while you will stab him one day, you are safe AF. And this is not only in the hospitality industry,
• I’m not the right person to talk with about someone’s marital status, you guys will be upset hearing the comments from my mouth. Some relationships are funny tho; two people married by papers but never fall to each other, two people are separated by law but still living in the same roof for sake of the kids or business, two people are married but have agreement in terms of open relationship, they both can find some comfort from somebody else, etc, etc,
• Everyone has baggage. I have mine, too. The way we carry it is not the same as other people carry it. Some leave it behind, some take some part, we never know,
• I have anxiety that getting worst time by time. Such a rapid heart rate and end up in hospital when it affecting other parts of my body. I don’t know if both hospitalized might right because I think too much about us that time but I feel silly now. But ya, people can celebrate their day anytime they want, even when I suddenly drop dead, when it comes to celebrating they will celebrate, 
• Friends are helping friends, I will not guarantee that I will get help especially the big one. But effort and love could be priceless. And what goes around comes back around, too, right? 
• A small island, a small country sometime. My ex-colleague in 2013 is replacing my special friend in Jakarta for position Executive Chef in 2019. So it’s not that small for all of us I believe. I have one dear friend who texts me this messages when I was in the hospital 2016, upset knowing how could I get so weak with this guy. Call her AB:

Wanna know how this world is even smaller than you thought? That person who practices law, says LW, is a friend of AB and CS. CS is the guy who I close with and I’m not sure that time because he is a celebrity and I don’t think I fit his world. Knowing how touchy our feelings are, AB was creating a love story for me and CS on the 3rd December 2011, that I send to CS before CS get married. Unbelievable? Yes. And if happen Hong Kong and Bali could have same similar “What a small world” story, that is real.

My dear friends, I can’t thank you enough for how much you support and care about me. I tried, I’m tired and I know. And whenever you think I’m in pain, I am not. I’m focusing on happiness, on the good things, and these two are worth the sacrifice, more than anything in this world.

And to the women outside there, self-love is the greatest. Once you know how much important the self-love is, you will know better in loving you love. Don’t you ever worry, your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth. You will find a man who will hold your hands in public and hug you from the back, you will find a man who won’t let go of your hand when you guys walk at the beach, you will find a man who never embarrassed to take you to his working place and proudly introduce you to his team even to his office boy, you’ll be led to a destination that he wants you to be with him no matter you never sure about that place, you’ll be at the bike passenger seat because he wants you to comfort him, he will hold your hands even in the car seats, open the door and pull the dining chair, you will find a man who can accept you imperfectly perfect but loving you perfectly, you will find a man who brings you water and cookies when you got up from a nap and spoil you every moment he has the chance. He even will whisper you that you deserve the world. Trust me this time, that man exists. And once you find that man, don’t ever let him go.

I cried and throw up after writing this. And if you think I’m not alright, I’m all good, I even bought a cute aquarium and about to get a fish. 

I keep swimming, too :’)