Just Don't Feel Jolly

I don't feel jolly this year, for the first time in my life. I'm struggling to feel festive in December and I don't even put extra effort after seeing all the memories from Facebook especially for the last 6 years. There are always Secret Santa dinner, Christmas Brunch, Christmas Dinner, Christmas Eve's Dinner, etc. 

In the last two years we host a Turkey Dinner at Gareth's house and that time I have a strong feeling it will be my last Christmas Dinner celebration in Bali. Not that I don't feel grateful now, the fact that leaving the country is never been easy but then again being with the kids is always one of the best things in life. So maybe I will appreciate the limited time I have by chilling and not doing anything with them? Who knows I won't be with them next year, who knows that I don't even wake up tomorrow morning (I wish! Always wish this thing happen recently; close my eyes before I sleep, waking up with a smile in the other part of galaxies and hugging my best two men; Lars and Lee).

So, ya, no Turkey Dinner this year; some friends turn into assholes that I don't even bother to see them anymore. Some are leaving the country, some feel sick because it becomes a yearly routine with the same people. And guess what, it's okay to keep your circle smaller, it's okay to not feeling jolly because maybe Christmas is manifestly not a happy time for us, maybe some causes of downheartedness;

• I miss Lee (and Lars for sure), that passed away recently. Trust me, my body and soul are aches even at the thought of never seeing him again,
• I don't know if I really want to be in Bali this time, I don't know if I can make the kids & their Father's happy by being myself and not trying to be somebody else they'd ever wish for,
• I miss working in a hotel so much, knowing that hospitality is DNA, is open up my eyes that doing something that you don't passionate about is such wasting time,
• I miss Jakarta and the entire craziness; the people, the attire, the lifestyle, the networking, the random things, everything. If the kids are in Jakarta, imagine how perfect this life would be?
• I'm sick of people's judgement. They called me I have an issue and I need to see a doctor because I'm protecting my kids that much, they think I'm such a posessive bitch who thinks I own this "Home Family", they think I'm just a jealous woman who's not spending so much time with him and she feels win because she spend more time, she get all access to the house, she's succesfully introducing someone special and it works, she thinks she wins while my head is not run that way. I just need everyone who post the picture of my kids without our permission is being archived and stop claiming that they are theirs, this could be the most exhausting one; because first, I never compete with other people. We are all not the same, and eventhough I have to be, doh, please, you are out of my league, so stop, stop being so judgemental about what I'm doing and stop act like you know every single freaking things that I have in my life. Will you just stop, please?
• The apology I hear. Some makes me flattered, relieve. Some makes me even more sick, beacuse again "you made a mistake, and I'm the one who have an issue, I'm the one who need to see a doctor" "you talk shit about the things you don't know and I have to accept it just like that because suprisingly it's dissappoint some people", why don't you care about my feeling that time and now I have to understand everybody's feeling. Why?
• The 2020 that excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I don't want to open the previous pages. I tell my circle that life is too short, I want you guys to be happy. You are the only one who understand your happiness, don't depend on anyone. I love my kids till I die, I love their father, too, till I die as well. But the feelings grow apart, we support each other and we don't have to have the form of Falling In Love. For me, keep giving love, to your loved ones, to yourself, because once you falling in love to yourself, others will follow. You don't have to change yourself to being loved by someone, you don't have to change others to being loved by you. You just need to have the courage to release it. Let the things flow, let the things go. Be happy, always be happy. 

 "To yourself, always be true", Lee said. Always, Lee, always.

Last but not least, I would love to say Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to all of you and Happy Holiday. If happen you wish to send some Christmas gift to me, please just donate some to the closest Animal Shelter nearby, that would be the best.

It's okay to not feeling jolly :')

My drawing on 8 November 2019. 

Lee was at the Jakarta airport and did his expense while I listen to Uncle Kracker - Smile.