We Only Part to Meet Again

You don't have to read this if you think I'm so afraid of our current issue right now or I am so desperate that I'd like to die so much.
I'm always thinking about death, not lately, but since Lars passed away, almost 7 years ago with so many journeys in between until November last year when Lee also passed away. I don't know if I should laugh or cry even harder now. But I told my BFF, Christie, today that I leave my Social Media account legacy in case something happened to me with details that I'll write now.

If one day I die, (which I will), first, be happy for me because the day I wanted so much is coming. I'll be reunited with my other half, Lars, who's been waiting to have me back because he loves me that much and he knows he's not gonna share with Lee, who loves me that much as well and not ready to leave me that time. I'll be the happiest dead person ever. Come on, laugh a little bit, it's not gonna be creepy, I promise.

For my memorial service funeral, print the happiest picture I have with some flowers; White Rose (Lars), Peonies (Risya), and Sunflower (Lee). And write something on a card, put it all there, Christie will collect it all and burn it all with my body. It's celebrating life, don't be sad, I'm gonna miss you all too, don't worry. Wear a Royal Blue color for me because Kevin said that color is so me;  "Color for Kai: Royal Blue - because it defines an emotion, a way of presenting yourself and an attitude (in a good way)."  Eat the good food I like; Tacos, Bacon, Chinese Food (noodle, please). You can cry when you eat this and pretend the food is too spicy, I forgive you, haha. And drink the Gin, with or without the cucumber. Christie will put my ashes in a beautiful jar that she will take a picture for my parents, spread it in the ocean and give a little for my baby girl, Roxy. Roxy is my everything that no one will understand this, not even Gareth, and it's fine :')

Once you guys are tipsy, dance for me please, plays the music I like and pretend that I'm around and go wild! Oh, play the "I Took Pill in Ibiza" for me and Lee and move even crazier in the minute 1:32. Say something nasty for me, I will hear you. Haha.  Then play "Loyal" and sing it loud in the part of "These hoes ain't loyal!" just a fun song for some Indonesian girls who wants my men's money. You guys know how much I hate women use bule to ladder their life, right? And I can't stand sitting with the hostess, useless manager, hookers, one nationality I never like since a long time ago, maid hanging out in Victoria fuckin' Park or cheap bars in Hong Kong and Jakarta, or those material girls that pretend to have a good job such an amateur lawyer, marketing officer, yoga teacher, etc. Other songs to play for sure Sam Feldt, Robin Schulz, Usher, Kygo, Clean Bandit, The Beatles, and U2. Please do not play K-Pop and Dangdut, errr!

Christie will also broadcast a message on my phone to share the news: "Hi, I'm Christie, sad but happy to announce the passing of Risya on XX XX XX. Her love, craziness, dirty mind and big heart will be dearly missed by all. Please have a drink or two in a place you guys once hang out just to remember her in a good way."

My two Fathers will cry a little, but they are the strongest men I know and they won't show you. My Mother will be sad because she never had a chance to fix what she breaks since I was little but she will be alright.

And Christie will help me to send some messages so my some favorite hoomans:

Christie, "I am pain, I'm a child, I'm afraid, yet you understand, yeah like no one can." I'm always grateful for every time I wake up in the morning, I know you are the person I can't live without. Drink a glass of water for me.

Daniel, thank you for reminding me to take care of myself first before taking care of somebody else. I love you with your beautiful heart.

Ralph, I never had time to not proud of what you're doing. "There's a blanket on the sofa that I used to keep you warm when I find you fast asleep at half-past four." Sending love to our joy, Jasso, always.

Craig, haha, babe, no more pain, physically and mentally. I will always love you. I love us. Say goodbye to JB.

Chris, I am that woman when I'm with you, thank you for giving me the world I deserve that only you can give. Indeed life is a ying-yang, happy sadness pain health. The universe always teaches us but also helps us. I am your forever Jezebelle!

Yanz, Kaaakk you'll cry dramatically but let's pretend that you just drop me off at the airport. Send my love to Adrian, Phil, and the family in Karawang.

Gareth, I never upset for every time you make me feel unwanted or trying to change myself to be somebody else. Nobody's perfect in this world and you're far from perfect either. I'm standing tall in front of you and giving a love bigger than a mountain, wider than the ocean while you busy looking for existence on this island and thinking you are loved by being who you are, while they're not. I hope you get tired of all the foolish games and find somebody who loves you as much you love her sincerely. I am done drive myself crazy trying to convince you my worth because I will never find it in you, so I find within myself, thank you, and thank you for raising the beautiful kids with me.
Knowing every day that we are somebody's favorite person is what we need in this life, I hope one day somebody wakes up next to you having you look at her with the love you have to her.

Lars' Mom, "till death do us part" wasn't long enough for me and your son.  Forever my Lars, forever my love. And I'm coming home. We will visit you, we love you and you will smile, guarantee that.

I have so many messages that I know it will take ages to write it beautifully. I never regret anything in the past, no matter how painful it is. Life is such a game and it's never easy for every different level we play. Mine is dying after Lars left, one more live after Lee left. Days are about to just "Game Over" as soon as the time comes, and it's okay :')

Cause the Drinks Bring Back All the Memories

"I'm sorry, I wish I could stop him. I'm so sorry." Pond tried not to cry when she talks to me last night. Her tiny lips are shaking and she's holding her teary eyes and keep focus looking at me while her hands trying to comfort me.
I said to myself, please don't cry. I remember Lars' Mom is trying her best to show me that she is strong because she knows I'll be super weak if she is also sad about the loss of Lars. This time I have to act that way. Grieving of Lee in Lars' Mom way. Stay strong, please please please, baby girl. Phew. I look at the roof, the wall and hold my breath.

"I love him, Pond."
"He loves you more, it's such a deep feeling between you two. I still can't believe that Lee left. I said to my friend I wish something can bring him back. It's hard for me to believe it", Pond said.
"I know, he scares me with the huge love that he has. I run away. I'm too scared. He flirts too much, he loves me too much. And I think it's crazy, Pond. Noone ready for attachment, nor relationship." I start biting my lip and keep looking around so tears not drop.

I was so upset to Lee that I decide to just ignore his all messages, I said I need fresh air. He's at the hospital just a night after that. I did say sorry that he didn't deserve the silence, I send him a song from John Mayer - Carry Me Away, I draw a Saury picture. And he's gone three days after I apologize, he forgives me. He loves me, he loves all of us. He supports me, he supports all of us.  And if I could travel back in time, I would love to thank him for all the love he has for me, all the crazy things he did to stick around with me, all the good things he did, all the plans he has to keep me happy.
And a few seconds to just say that I will always love him that I should stop hide it just because I'm too scared to lose him.
Lee, I am sorry that I always think we are all having tomorrow but we're not. You have no idea how much it kills me not talking to you and hearing your voice anymore. I wasn't ready to say goodbye and will never be ready.

You are the good days of everybody who loves you, Lee. I bet you're smiling up there seeing us here :')

'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories

Of everything we've been through.

The Refillable Glass

“Your glass is half empty, Risy.” 

Most of the time I will reply “Doesn’t matter, it is still not full.” Without seeing the face and tried to walk away. I gulped and hold my tears. For every time you said my glass is half empty, I act like I’m alright, not offended, trying to laugh or just pretend that I’m totally okay, exactly the same as “I know every single thing but I act like I know nothing.” 

Trust me, it’s so hard to pretend that everything is okay, to pretend that I know nothing and to just keep silent when they intimidate me just because they assume I will not know, I’m not in Bali, I will not care, etc. And when they finally know that I am not okay, that I actually know everything, still, everyone upset. When I speak, it’s called bitching. When I talk, it’s called snide. When I give my opinion, it’s not allowed. 

If I may say this time so I can breathe easily, allow me (trust me I’m nervous; I shook my legs, I bit my lip, and hold my teary eyes):

1. “Perception means we don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.” – Rachel Hollis,
2. Even though I have a break time with God, I still believe that my glass overflow with His blessings, read Psalm 23:5 for details,
3. I always appreciate that I have a glass, whether it’s empty, full, half empty, half full,
4. Technically, the glass is always full: half air, half water,
5. Apart from the negative person sees the glass is half empty and the positive person sees it half full, I am the real person that adds Gin & Lemon and says “I don’t care, I love it, you don’t have to be so damn hard to please",
6. Don’t miss the point, the glass is refillable. It’s not up to you if I’d like to add more, to pour it out or to just say “I need another drink”, because one day I choose to walk away, you’ll only see the empty chair and the empty table without the glass :’) 

And if it’s half-empty, I don’t know what it’s all about; all the trips that I made to keep coming back to you, to choose you again and again. Really, I don’t know. Maybe pure love really produces pure nonsense and never win. While pretty face, beautiful body and fake love always win. 

I don’t wanna win, I just wanna love you sincerely, and walk away to refill my glass; watching you see things in real and finally understand how it feels, at the time I throw my glass. 

My picture from 2015 at Nook Bali.

It is still not full, and it’s okay :’)

Love as a Reward

“Hey, I don’t know why but you’re the first person I’d like to share this great news with, even though I realize I suppose to call you next year as I promise I will only try to find you again when I become that number one person, the most successful one.”

My heartbeat stopped, we didn’t talk for years and years. It’s not that I disconnect from him but I thought he decides it as I remember I told him “I do not deserve, you don’t have to suffer this much, I can’t see you in pain, Kiddo, let me leave :’)”

But then he said “You can control everything, but not feeling. You can make a fake smile but you can’t make fake happiness, and in the end no matter how hard I try, after all this time, I find u again.”

The heartbeat stopped again. I need to breathe.

As much as you think I have so many love stories, being loved by someone is always the greatest one. I do loving and giving and I stop expecting anything in return. You have no idea how hard it is waking up with someone in the morning who didn’t fall in love with you, you have no idea how to keep everything comfortable with someone who thinks comfortable is just more than enough as it possibly enough compares to relationship status, marriage life and or commitment that none of us will not ready.

Life is senseless, I know. I no longer afraid if tomorrow never comes, what I’m afraid is I’m losing the chance to let my people know how much they've meant to me, as much as I want those assholes to know that you don’t have to be too assholes in this life, in my country, in my personal life. I say whatever I want when I have to, and I’m not worried, as long as it is right and necessary.

Love is love, have that faith, whenever you are being who you are, believe that you don’t have to lower your standards, you don’t have to change to be accepted. I’m done with it, and I always remember every time I'm being myself, I actually being loved sincerely. He rewards my honesty with his true love, and I still think that I don’t deserve.

Funny how I could love someone with extra efforts and things is too blurred to be seen. When I’m searching myself in him, he tried to search it to anybody else as well, exactly like a vicious circle but then I still think that “hey that’s about love, right, even if it is not returned, it never goes away.” It’s just not it never goes away, but one day you’ll find the one who loves you the way you love.
You’ll find someone who looks at you like the way Roxy does, you’ll find someone who smiles with his eyes closed and wide smile in the morning tried to tell you he’s the happiest guy ever, you’ll find someone who knows your heart is his home. It doesn’t really matter whether it is “He, who you love” or anybody else who “loves you the way you love.”
Have a faith baby, have a faith. Try to trust yourself again and again, you never beg and they will always stay. They reward you with true love with all the sincerest love you gave.

I’m not worried, I will keep loving and giving, as the reward will be even greater than being loved anyway.

To the most loving man in the world, I know you read my blog every single freaking time. I don’t know if I have to say “Welcome Back Home.” But I always wish you the greatest things in this world. You taught me so much to appreciate myself more before anybody else, to be loved by someone, it is surely not necessary to be somebody else.

Happy belated birthday, Kiddo, Happy Chinese New Year, may the year of the Rat bring you good luck and good fortune.

Robbie Williams - She's The One (Live at Knebworth) 

P.S. I listen to this song many times today and trying not to cry.

Thank you, for letting me be who I am, for the trust you have since day one, for rebuild my trust that I don't have to put extra effort when I love someone and change myself to be accepted :')

Speak To Me Softly

I could hear the gunfire when I was going home from school in Aceh.
I could hear the bomb exploded when I was riding a bicycle or playing the kites in every fine afternoon.
But I couldn't say I had a trauma with something loud. I will just close my ears and hold my tears. And I have to be calm so I give the positive energy for Roxy whose afraid of thunder and fireworks.

I will scream very loud when I know someone screaming on my face with the shortest distance they think I'm alright. No, I'm not alright, and I couldn't tell that I'm not alright.
For every time someone screaming on my face I wish I could tell them to stop. I wish I could just run away and never come back. I wish I could tell them I have a live video in my mind that can be played backward when someone screams or talk too loud.

I can see my mother hit me with a broomstick, I can see my mother tie my feet with a rope, I can see my mother tweak my ear, I can see myself running into my maid and making her shirt wet because I cried so much, I can see my brother screaming and bring a kitchen knife to stab me; spit in my face and kick my leg, I can see Lars lying in the coffin and I beg him not to leave me alone.

I can see myself crying for every time you scream on my face and think I will be alright.

No, I'm not alright, please don't scream, I'm begging you just don't.

Illustration pict from here.

Just Don't Feel Jolly

I don't feel jolly this year, for the first time in my life. I'm struggling to feel festive in December and I don't even put extra effort after seeing all the memories from Facebook especially for the last 6 years. There are always Secret Santa dinner, Christmas Brunch, Christmas Dinner, Christmas Eve's Dinner, etc. 

In the last two years we host a Turkey Dinner at Gareth's house and that time I have a strong feeling it will be my last Christmas Dinner celebration in Bali. Not that I don't feel grateful now, the fact that leaving the country is never been easy but then again being with the kids is always one of the best things in life. So maybe I will appreciate the limited time I have by chilling and not doing anything with them? Who knows I won't be with them next year, who knows that I don't even wake up tomorrow morning (I wish! Always wish this thing happen recently; close my eyes before I sleep, waking up with a smile in the other part of galaxies and hugging my best two men; Lars and Lee).

So, ya, no Turkey Dinner this year; some friends turn into assholes that I don't even bother to see them anymore. Some are leaving the country, some feel sick because it becomes a yearly routine with the same people. And guess what, it's okay to keep your circle smaller, it's okay to not feeling jolly because maybe Christmas is manifestly not a happy time for us, maybe some causes of downheartedness;

• I miss Lee (and Lars for sure), that passed away recently. Trust me, my body and soul are aches even at the thought of never seeing him again,
• I don't know if I really want to be in Bali this time, I don't know if I can make the kids & their Father's happy by being myself and not trying to be somebody else they'd ever wish for,
• I miss working in a hotel so much, knowing that hospitality is DNA, is open up my eyes that doing something that you don't passionate about is such wasting time,
• I miss Jakarta and the entire craziness; the people, the attire, the lifestyle, the networking, the random things, everything. If the kids are in Jakarta, imagine how perfect this life would be?
• I'm sick of people's judgement. They called me I have an issue and I need to see a doctor because I'm protecting my kids that much, they think I'm such a posessive bitch who thinks I own this "Home Family", they think I'm just a jealous woman who's not spending so much time with him and she feels win because she spend more time, she get all access to the house, she's succesfully introducing someone special and it works, she thinks she wins while my head is not run that way. I just need everyone who post the picture of my kids without our permission is being archived and stop claiming that they are theirs, this could be the most exhausting one; because first, I never compete with other people. We are all not the same, and eventhough I have to be, doh, please, you are out of my league, so stop, stop being so judgemental about what I'm doing and stop act like you know every single freaking things that I have in my life. Will you just stop, please?
• The apology I hear. Some makes me flattered, relieve. Some makes me even more sick, beacuse again "you made a mistake, and I'm the one who have an issue, I'm the one who need to see a doctor" "you talk shit about the things you don't know and I have to accept it just like that because suprisingly it's dissappoint some people", why don't you care about my feeling that time and now I have to understand everybody's feeling. Why?
• The 2020 that excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I don't want to open the previous pages. I tell my circle that life is too short, I want you guys to be happy. You are the only one who understand your happiness, don't depend on anyone. I love my kids till I die, I love their father, too, till I die as well. But the feelings grow apart, we support each other and we don't have to have the form of Falling In Love. For me, keep giving love, to your loved ones, to yourself, because once you falling in love to yourself, others will follow. You don't have to change yourself to being loved by someone, you don't have to change others to being loved by you. You just need to have the courage to release it. Let the things flow, let the things go. Be happy, always be happy. 

 "To yourself, always be true", Lee said. Always, Lee, always.

Last but not least, I would love to say Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to all of you and Happy Holiday. If happen you wish to send some Christmas gift to me, please just donate some to the closest Animal Shelter nearby, that would be the best.

It's okay to not feeling jolly :')

My drawing on 8 November 2019. 

Lee was at the Jakarta airport and did his expense while I listen to Uncle Kracker - Smile.

Right?

Lee,

If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?

Right?