The Charm of Ellie Goulding

I was listening to Ellie Goulding last week, over and over again; 

I thought some Music & Lyrics are dedicated for my beloved ones, too.
Here we go:

Army 

for Christie, I know that I've been messed up you never let me give up.

Here's to Us

for Ralph, I catch you in a light no one else can see, I know you see her and you'll never see me. But what we had it never really died.

First Time

for Kurt, our love was something they could admire, yeah, yeah.

I Know You Care

for Gareth, I know you care, I know it is always been there. But there is trouble ahead I can feel it, you are just saving yourself when you hide it. Yeah, I know you care.

Dead in the Water

for Lars, I'm there in the water still looking for ya.

How Long Will I Love You

for Dan, How long will I love you, as long as stars are above you and longer if I can.

And this is for myself,
"I take inspiration from everything around me, also relationships and friends. 

And the inside of my crazy head." Ellie Goulding

Tattoo Crush

To answer the most common question:
1. Do you have any tattoo? No, I don't have one.
2. What kind of tattoo would you get if you choose to have one? A cross, at the back.
Not only because it's covered up, long-lasting or hold up well as aging occurs, but it reminds me of Jose Coto. He told me to put my Cross Necklace to the back instead, "so then Jesus not only protecting you 'here, at our heart' but also 'here, from the back'. I  miss him now, and the family :')

I've been wanting this tattoo since, 7 years ago? And in between those 7 years, I even think other things such:
- Lars birthday, 18 June 1979, he is the best gift I've ever had in my life,
- Roxy big brown eyes, in the way she looks at me, she reminds me how to forgive. Just forgive,
- Peony flower, who doesn't love flowers? I love peonies, with all the secret languages behind.

No, no, no, I don't need 4. 1 Cross would be just fine, enough to represents everything that I feel. And with the rollercoaster life that happened, some people don't like me because they can't figure out why I'm still blessed after what I used to do.

This:

pict source: Pinterest

In the depth of every storm, I know he is God, I stand still and wait for his hand to carry me.

Bukan Untuk Bendera Yang Sama

Lingkaran baik saya mulai geram, waktu saya tetap diam.

Mereka yang lemah dan merasa tidak berwenang, tetap merayakan kemenangan diatas keheningan yang tetap saya jaga.
Ini bukan satu kali, tetapi dua kali. Dalam dua tersebut, ada banyak kisah tidak manusiawi yang memang harus diakhiri.

Di Surabaya sana, mereka bersuka cita dalam jumlah yang banyak, menertawakan kebenaran yang mengalahkan banyaknya kesalahan. Tiba saatnya mereka menyesal, tidak banyak yang bisa saya perbuat, tidak banyak empati yang bisa saya tunjukkan, hingga membuat mereka semakin merang.
Pada perayaan Paskah tahun lalu, mereka mulai bergerilya. Besar sekali keinginannya untuk membuat saya dikeluarkan dari tempat saya mencari nafkah saat itu. Diam-diam saya menangis agar tidak terlihat lemah. Diam-diam pergi ke rumah Tuhan, karena tak lagi kuasa.
Mereka lalu tak jera. Saat panggilan hati saya mengarahkan saya ke Yogyakarta, mereka bergerak lebih cepat, sampai dengan sosok yang tidak saya kenali sekalipun, berusaha keras untuk tidak membuat saya diterima.

Saya tetap diam.
Dua tempat, satu bendera, sakit yang sama.
Lisan yang tidak berdendang baik di telinga, tulisan yang tak sedap di pandang, dan citra yang terlalu nista untuk selalu dijaga demi sebuah nama.

Dan saya tetap diam.
Di Jakarta ini, satu tahun bukan perjalanan singkat, sayangnya. Matahari pagi membuat kami segan bangun dari mimpi. Membayangkan kaki melangkah saja kami takut. Berbuat benar, kami takut, takut kalau tidak cukup membuatnya senang atau kreditnya bertambah.
Berbuat baik, kami takut, takut disangka pura-pura, walau dengan menjadi diri sendiri, bahkan lebih menakutkan.
Bahkan saat ditanya kenapa, pun, lidah terasa kelu, terlalu lemah untuk bercerita yang sebenarnya. Dalam perjalanan satu tahun, rasanya ada banyak kalimat keluar dari pengakuan saya. Yang lalu diabaikan begitu saja, agar dirasa dan terlihat baik-baik saja, walau sebenarnya tidak.

Dan saya tetap diam.
Dendam tidak pernah diperkenankan, tidak ada dalam sejarah.
Diam bagi saya, adalah segalanya.
Ada doa di sana, ada karma di sana.
Dan ada berkat yang tidak ada habisnya, bagi saya yang membiarkannya begitu saja, tanpa berucap sepatah kata.

Tulisan tangan saat lelah, di Surabaya.

Di simpan baik dalam Alkitab, oleh kerabat, Kak Max, di Yogyakarta.

Not for Half-Hearted

You're either all-in or all-out, there are no half measures in matters of the heart, or even the -glass half theory-; half empty or half full, still, it is not full.
This is how you start learning that you can't let anybody half loves you; beause it's probably half lie too.
And if you still push that feeling, too, you will end up with settle with a relationship that won't let you be yourself. Too many "I, My" and missing the "Our, Us". Too many limitations in contribute, in giving feedback, or even say what is on your mind. It is definitely not a love. Even when you tried to convince another love point of view, still, it is not love. It is a habit, it is a competition that no one will win anyway, and you can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel.
And love, not simply only about Pancake & Sex on Sundays or the alpha man who's being dominant.
No, it is not.
Well, truth hurts, a woman is at her worst when she gives everything to the wrong one. A man is at his worst when he gives nothing to the right one.

Humming A Tune

Not my favorite place, really. 

Not a place that I want to stay for long term period, but you always have a reason or two, to either you pretend that you enjoy the time there or you really enjoy that.

For me, depends. But I really like it when everyone spends their time to sit and had the talk celebrating my 29 that time. It’s another day that my cheek getting red and I couldn’t be more thankful surrounded by beautiful people in my life.
Oops, sorry I can’t get enough with my birthday celebration, sorry! I know, I know, it’s September already, this would be my another favorite month as I’m so ready to move onto a better place, I’m so ready to start the self-care, focusing on myself more, and giving up the drama that not even mine. Seriously, some people just don't grasp the concept of unwelcome, and just like in a circus, too many freaks, I'm so done, ha!
I'm humming a tune, "Through chaos as it swirls, it's us against the world...." yep, Coldplay. I got that September rhythm as on this month, there are 2 of my team members that getting married, there are 5 of my team members having their last day, congratulation! It will be Dan's birthday soon, my Dad's birthday, my nephew's birthday, and my Mom's birthday. See, I have no reason not to be happy, I have no reason to not start loving myself more because I will be happy for them and I might have the chance to celebrate with them as well. Isn't it beautiful, to even have the time to write about it? Maybe I miss this, I miss to write more, I miss to praise more, and I miss the time when I fallin' in love. It feels so good tho, when someone sees you cry and he just telling you "you're too beautiful to cry with that red nose. You're a beautiful lady with a beautiful soul and huge heart, you just need to be happy. Go get a coffee, eat that cheesecake, and have the ice cream."
I start thinking about that and I want to feel that again. And guess what? It's maybe okay to falling in love again, it's maybe a chance to have someone to remind you to love yourself more so that you may know how to live with self-respect.
I'm humming a tune, again, "ooh this could be messy, but you don't seem to mind...." from the one and only, Alanis Morisette.

"And just like everyone else, I am a few minutes late from becoming, from blooming into something the rain can relate to. I am falling for more. Falling for the love the world is trying to hide." - R. M. Drake

The Emotional Hangovers

I have few hours left to write about my most favorite month, August. Not only because of lots of unexpected birthday celebration, but I feel like I belong to this month a lot. Even one day before I turn to 29, it was 8 August which I'm still 28 that day, 23 days ago!
Time flies, it is. Time is running out, yes. I was 3 years old little girl 2 minutes ago, and I will be 30 soon that I can't even hear the clock ticking.
It was a bright beautiful afternoon on my last day of being 28 years old. Was so excited for tomorrow and was so relieved at the same time. It's going to be my year, I whisper to myself. There will be no more questions that I don't even want to hear the answers.

4:35PM Bali Beach, Petitenget

Emotional hangovers, totally. Working with assholes, sitting at the same table with new girlfriend of my former lover, round in circles with the feeling of "because with or without you, I can't live this life", the separation with my superhero friend, still not knowing what I want; only knowing what I don't want, bloated stomach, missing my old body, or even telling the therapist to keep my nails in shape. Ultimate grump, huh? Don't worry it's just a few, I still have all the list, but most of them are human. They are the biggest contribution of my emotional hangover, thanks. Sigh.

Oh, I walk with this little hooman that day, Max Moore.

So that day when I had the afternoon walk at the beach, I'm just talking to myself, please please please universe, let me crack the code, if I have to be in Bali, then let me be. If I have to stay in Surabaya, give me more reason, or at least one only reason. If I have to go back to Jakarta, or if I have to move somewhere else, then lead me. Part of me just trying to keep convincing myself that "it's okay, and it's going to be okay". Forgive yourself for loving the wrong person, forgive yourself to have the time and energy to deal with, in the wrong working place and these assholes, forgive yourself of being tired asking where am I or where are we going, and it's okay to learn a little bit to chill in life.

Just forgive yourself and move on, that's it. 29 Will be beautiful, just like the beach, and you.

I'm gonna miss this, salty hair and sandy toes :')

Darling, Loving Yourself Means....

I broke my toe, you broke my heart.
All alone I watch you watch her.

I pulled myself on you, you didn't like that shit.
So I never mind that shit, too.

I let you underestimate me, so I can embarrass you,
but I don't do that.

I'm so afraid of being hurt,
you will never understand.

I'm so proud of you,
but you're too blind to see that.

I'm so in love with my job,
until you ruin it.

I didn't break the shower head,
you say I did.

I'm fighting a battle too,
you know nothing about.

A lot of "you", yes, as I can't mention the names and I don't have to.

I'm such a fool, I know. It delivers me to the part of introvert hangover that I can't avoid.
It's draining, I closed my eyes wishing for a healthy body and mind so I can bear the (at least) 16 hours working a day.
I believe in myself and the universe that karma always coming at the right time.
I do believe God helps me when I'm stumbling on my feet, through the people surround me, through the enemy that feels so close.
Until all the part in me, are tired. My hands are shaking while I sip my coffee, days mostly where even my coffee needs a coffee and so tired my tired is tired.
Guess what, 28 is hard too, you know, I thought 27 is the hardest, damn it's not! Haha.

It's me, playing the same game again and again. Playing the part of "it is fine to put people first, it is fine to let them broke my heart, it is fine to not saying anything when people judge, it is wrong to say no, it is wrong for not helping people." I forget to put my self first, I don't know what self-care is, I don't have the boundaries, I give 200 when I don't even have to give 100.

So then maybe, this is the time to do it. Stop needing people who don't deserve me, it's okay to be just good, not perfect. What about fallin' in love with myself all over again, every day? Having a mindset of "you are not selfish for wanting to be treated well", "you owe yourself the love you freely give to people", and "focusing a little more on yourself, is beautiful."

Just like Marie Jo Schwarz said,
"Darling, loving yourself means letting someone else love you too."

And of course, I do love you :')

Twenty Nine, I'm so blessed.

P.S. I made a wish in this beautiful picture, I was the happiest, spoiled birthday girl.