Forgive Them

More about forgiveness soon, but this is one of my favorites from Najwa Zebian.

A Blessing In Disguise

Every Easter has its own story for me.

- 2017, I was a Front Office Manager in one of Four Stars Hotels of the Largest Hotel Industry that celebrate the Easter at work as it's the same day with Kartini Day. There's a story behind this day, God, I wish I could delete this from my memory.

- 2018, I was a Guest Relation Manager in one of Five Stars Hotels of, again, the Largest Hotel Industry that of course celebrate the Easter at work as well. I cried. 2017 called 2018 and gave the reference without being asked. They gave unnecessary information to where I worked that time, as well as telling my past relationship with one of the APAC Corporate Guys.
Can you believe that? I tried not to, but it's real.

- 2019, I'm only human this time. Sitting at the church during Good Friday and watching a documentary video about someone who's been slandered, who's been stabbed just because doing the right things. Pretty much the same story as mine in 2016 - 2017.
Can you imagine? It is hard to do the right things, to even follow the company rules when we have to.

It's just two weeks before the Easter 2019 when I finally break my silence, to confront who didn't stop bad mouthing and give the working reference even though we did not know each other at all; to me and my ex-team members. He provokes me until I roar. He didn't admit it at the beginning. He didn't think I will know and I can do something about it. He didn't even realize that it's reflecting himself, whatever he does.

I told my best friend it's never easy to stay calm when you're upset, to stay wise when you're angry and still using common sense when you're losing your mind, just because you were in silence for the last two years :')

*****
And this is it, I had enough:

"Good Evening, Pak,
Saya dengan Risya Kanahaya.
I don't know you and you don't know me. We're basically don't know each other, that's why I never talk anything about you, and that's fair.
It saddens me to keep listening to people how you keep talking about me like we know each other before; like we've ever worked together before; so you feel like you have the right to bad mouthing about me and break my career reputation.
Pak, I'm leaving the Hospitality Industry and leaving the country for good soon.
My best advice is let's just focus on our own goals. I don't see anyone as my competition, people don't have the same dreams, goals, ambition, and for sure not the same brain, we're all not the same :')
Best of luck for the new journey." -RK-

He still didn't admit, and I keep going, with my hands still shaking and my tears almost fall.

"Pagi Pak,
Saya baik. That's exactly how I mean. We never met before, nor working together. HFLA WhatsApp group is one of the media that I don't use to communicate with you, nor with other FOMs. So still, don't know each other.
We're living in a small world, the hospitality industry especially.
What we speak is what they heard, and those conversations between you and them about me was continued back to me clearly. For someone who doesn't know each other, it's not necessary to talk badly about somebody else as it can be a harm steam every now and then.
Also, making a habit of negativity seems like a waste of precious life energy;  in this case, we don't talk about someone we don't know, we don't give a reference when we're not being asked and behave like we know that person well. The same like when people ask me if I know you, my answer will be "I don't know him, I never met him ever." As simple as that, and I have the same expectation until now.
If one day our path cross, we'll definitely have a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, let's just focus on our own goals, and stop this, I take this seriously :).
Take care and all the best for the pre-opening, Pak."

He says sorry. End of story.

*****

I wish I never write this. Or at least I wish I didn't work there at that time. I know it's not guaranteed myself that life will be easier. But I swear I don't need this much unnecessary drama. Two full stops drama, to be precise. Enough to stop me working in the hospitality industry.
Enough to makes me realize that I have to appreciate the time that I have, the relationship with great people I've met through that era, the morning walk that I've missed, the water that I suppose to drink more, the dinner and movie time that I can do anydays anytime, the simple hello and goodnight everyday through text, and other things that I've missed for the last nine years at least.

So thank you, I won't be this happy without those stories.
I'm settling of the soul into its most appropriate spot now.

A blessing in disguise, really. And I won't be afraid anymore because I know, the people who love me always got my back, as well as God who never let me fall :')

Picture from 2017, the struggle is real that time 

I Lived

So I talk to myself like I would to someone I love, through this beautiful cover by Carrollton :

I'd like to teach the world to sing

Hope when you take that jump
You don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out
They're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad (Yeah)
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I'd like to teach the world to sing

Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

With every broken bone
I swear I lived
With every broken bone
I swear I

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
A song of peace that echoes on
And never goes away

I'd like to teach the world to sing

See the original version by OneRepublic, too.

The Charm of Ellie Goulding

I was listening to Ellie Goulding last week, over and over again; 

I thought some Music & Lyrics are dedicated for my beloved ones, too.
Here we go:

Army 

for Christie, I know that I've been messed up you never let me give up.

Here's to Us

for Ralph, I catch you in a light no one else can see, I know you see her and you'll never see me. But what we had it never really died.

First Time

for Kurt, our love was something they could admire, yeah, yeah.

I Know You Care

for Gareth, I know you care, I know it is always been there. But there is trouble ahead I can feel it, you are just saving yourself when you hide it. Yeah, I know you care.

Dead in the Water

for Lars, I'm there in the water still looking for ya.

How Long Will I Love You

for Dan, How long will I love you, as long as stars are above you and longer if I can.

And this is for myself,
"I take inspiration from everything around me, also relationships and friends. 

And the inside of my crazy head." Ellie Goulding

Tattoo Crush

To answer the most common question:
1. Do you have any tattoo? No, I don't have one.
2. What kind of tattoo would you get if you choose to have one? A cross, at the back.
Not only because it's covered up, long-lasting or hold up well as aging occurs, but it reminds me of Jose Coto. He told me to put my Cross Necklace to the back instead, "so then Jesus not only protecting you 'here, at our heart' but also 'here, from the back'. I  miss him now, and the family :')

I've been wanting this tattoo since, 7 years ago? And in between those 7 years, I even think other things such:
- Lars birthday, 18 June 1979, he is the best gift I've ever had in my life,
- Roxy big brown eyes, in the way she looks at me, she reminds me how to forgive. Just forgive,
- Peony flower, who doesn't love flowers? I love peonies, with all the secret languages behind.

No, no, no, I don't need 4. 1 Cross would be just fine, enough to represents everything that I feel. And with the rollercoaster life that happened, some people don't like me because they can't figure out why I'm still blessed after what I used to do.

This:

pict source: Pinterest

In the depth of every storm, I know he is God, I stand still and wait for his hand to carry me.

Bukan Untuk Bendera Yang Sama

Lingkaran baik saya mulai geram, waktu saya tetap diam.

Mereka yang lemah dan merasa tidak berwenang, tetap merayakan kemenangan diatas keheningan yang tetap saya jaga.
Ini bukan satu kali, tetapi dua kali. Dalam dua tersebut, ada banyak kisah tidak manusiawi yang memang harus diakhiri.

Di Surabaya sana, mereka bersuka cita dalam jumlah yang banyak, menertawakan kebenaran yang mengalahkan banyaknya kesalahan. Tiba saatnya mereka menyesal, tidak banyak yang bisa saya perbuat, tidak banyak empati yang bisa saya tunjukkan, hingga membuat mereka semakin merang.
Pada perayaan Paskah tahun lalu, mereka mulai bergerilya. Besar sekali keinginannya untuk membuat saya dikeluarkan dari tempat saya mencari nafkah saat itu. Diam-diam saya menangis agar tidak terlihat lemah. Diam-diam pergi ke rumah Tuhan, karena tak lagi kuasa.
Mereka lalu tak jera. Saat panggilan hati saya mengarahkan saya ke Yogyakarta, mereka bergerak lebih cepat, sampai dengan sosok yang tidak saya kenali sekalipun, berusaha keras untuk tidak membuat saya diterima.

Saya tetap diam.
Dua tempat, satu bendera, sakit yang sama.
Lisan yang tidak berdendang baik di telinga, tulisan yang tak sedap di pandang, dan citra yang terlalu nista untuk selalu dijaga demi sebuah nama.

Dan saya tetap diam.
Di Jakarta ini, satu tahun bukan perjalanan singkat, sayangnya. Matahari pagi membuat kami segan bangun dari mimpi. Membayangkan kaki melangkah saja kami takut. Berbuat benar, kami takut, takut kalau tidak cukup membuatnya senang atau kreditnya bertambah.
Berbuat baik, kami takut, takut disangka pura-pura, walau dengan menjadi diri sendiri, bahkan lebih menakutkan.
Bahkan saat ditanya kenapa, pun, lidah terasa kelu, terlalu lemah untuk bercerita yang sebenarnya. Dalam perjalanan satu tahun, rasanya ada banyak kalimat keluar dari pengakuan saya. Yang lalu diabaikan begitu saja, agar dirasa dan terlihat baik-baik saja, walau sebenarnya tidak.

Dan saya tetap diam.
Dendam tidak pernah diperkenankan, tidak ada dalam sejarah.
Diam bagi saya, adalah segalanya.
Ada doa di sana, ada karma di sana.
Dan ada berkat yang tidak ada habisnya, bagi saya yang membiarkannya begitu saja, tanpa berucap sepatah kata.

Tulisan tangan saat lelah, di Surabaya.

Di simpan baik dalam Alkitab, oleh kerabat, Kak Max, di Yogyakarta.

Not for Half-Hearted

You're either all-in or all-out, there are no half measures in matters of the heart, or even the -glass half theory-; half empty or half full, still, it is not full.
This is how you start learning that you can't let anybody half loves you; beause it's probably half lie too.
And if you still push that feeling, too, you will end up with settle with a relationship that won't let you be yourself. Too many "I, My" and missing the "Our, Us". Too many limitations in contribute, in giving feedback, or even say what is on your mind. It is definitely not a love. Even when you tried to convince another love point of view, still, it is not love. It is a habit, it is a competition that no one will win anyway, and you can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel.
And love, not simply only about Pancake & Sex on Sundays or the alpha man who's being dominant.
No, it is not.
Well, truth hurts, a woman is at her worst when she gives everything to the wrong one. A man is at his worst when he gives nothing to the right one.