Always “Too Soon”

“I will burn a thousand villages to see my Dad,” Andy said, the husband of my twin soul, Dewi. His Dad also living in Heaven. Dewi and Lars are having only one day difference birthday. Not today, it was 18 June for Lars and 19 June for Dewi. I didn’t say anything; I choose another quiet day for myself after heavy raining in the morning. Went to the bakery shop, buy the cakes that I’m sure you like. Went to the flower shop, not a white one, it comes with color that day, because I celebrate Dewi’s birthday in silent, too. I went home, to the Catholic nuns and hold my tears when I’m holding Sr. Nena’s hands. She put the flower in the chapel and says I will pass the flowers for Holy Mary, Happy Birthday to Lars in heaven and to your friend, she said.
I went to the church, sitting next to you ( I know you were there), I tell God to send my message that I wish I don’t have to celebrate your birthday alone (again and again). I pray so that I can come back to where I belong, Bali, or Jakarta, or anywhere you think that would be good for me, Hong Kong, Ireland? We don’t know. I make a wish for Dewi, for her marriage journey with Andy, and for your friendship with her. I love you two, always.
Today, June 27, 2017, is 44 months since your passing. My heart still broke with my body still literally aches every time I know that I never see you again. The raindrop that landing on my cheek that morning, I know it’s a kiss from you, from Heaven. Happy Birthday, Lars Sayang. Selamat Ulang Tahun Mbak Dewi. You’re only 38 if you’re still here, Sayang. And you left when you’re only 34, it’s just so soon, too soon.
People still check on me, about you. I said you’re everywhere, in the ocean, the wind, the rain, in the air that I breathe too.

P.S. You know what.

Save A Place For Me

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Lars!

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Make the most of my time just like you did (like you did)

And I wanna live my life just like you did (like you did)
Make the most of my time just like you did (like you did)
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there, just


Save a place for me
Save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon.
I'll be there soon.

Matthew West - Save A Place for Me

Not that Friday Feeling

I let a fool affect my life so much.
My parents didn't teach their kids that other people's opinions of me, do not mean shit.

So I listen to Kevin and ignore -that-person-I-won't-talk-about- because she means nothing.

I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm fine. Leave me alone. Come here. Donuts. Love me.

Something Just Like This

Kevin!
Still, the same Kevin that I adore not because he has perfect American accent that I can talk 24 hours with, my second jackpot in life after Lars. I like Kevin and I like our friendship.

Oh, I like Coldplay too, for sure. And as this morning I saw the highlight of joint performance at The BRIT Awards with The Chainsmokers, Something Just Like This, I remember Kevin.

I reply his sarcasm message this morning because he's almost giving up remind me about, ehm, long working hours at work and being too cold with men. Don't ask me, ask Kevin. I even ask Kevin what am I, and I like his reply,
"I think you are who you choose to be at the moment. I don't think anyone but me (and a small handful of others) would describe you as unsure or vulnerable. Project a public image of "Sheena" the Warrior Princess, but privately more like "Dora" the Explorer."

Kevin and Kai. Not really sure how to describe our friendship, something in the way he makes me feel like, I want you to stay. I want someone like Kevin, I want "Something Just Like This."

I'm not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts

When Everything Feels Like the Movie

Yeah, you bleed just to know your alive!

And I am still, alive, I'm sure?
It wasn't my plan to watch this sad movie, "Me Before You". If I knew that it will be sad, of course, I will just turn off the TV.

I don't have 'that' chance, no I don't. To look after you before you're gone, forever. I don't have 'that' chance, to be that woman who can say "I kissed him, trying to bring him back. I kissed him and let my lips rest against his so that our breath mingled and the tears from my eyes became salt on his skin, and I told myself that, somewhere, tiny particles of him would become tiny particles of me, ingested, swallowed, alive, perpetual. I wanted to press every bit of me against him. I wanted to will something into him. I wanted to give him every bit of life I felt and force him to live." -Page 360, Jojo Moyes

The day that I know that you're passed away, I can feel this world freeze for seconds, my teary eyes when I had fire alarm meeting just can't stand there anymore. I just want to run from where am I that time, I want to scream as loud as I can. I love you, how am I supposed to live with that?

But ya, I am that girl who finally can say "I held him close and said nothing, all the while telling him silently that he was loved. Oh, but he was loved." -Page 361, Jojo Moyes; on the day when I saw you for the last time, the body that just... rest, for forever, and say nothing.

It hits me so much harder than I ever thought it would, even after more than three years, my love.

The bumblebee tights, I don't want that. I just want you, again, one more time, Lars. One more time.

Please.. please.. please.... :'(

 Just live.

My S(t)orry for, 2016...

It wasn't a waste of time if you learned something, I have to agree on that. And the biggest thing I've learned is, "It's okay."

I know 2016 reached its end, closing the circles and shutting the doors, but I'm always thankful for:
- Celebrate New Year 2016 in Melasti beach,
- Dive into juicy stuff about.. relationship in Ubud,
- Chinese New Year at The Mulia
- Two times hospitalized in Siloam Bali,
- Valentine's day by having Hersey's chocolate and movie,
- Friend-zone that still exist,
- Maybe my most favorite; Easter Gift and Easter Break with you & Jasmine in Bali,
- Some Marriott International events; APAC GM &OPS Meeting, launch What The Truck!
- Almost home; Hong Kong, with you and Jasmine,
- Lars and his Mom,
- Quick trip to Singapore,
- Public Holiday escape to Surabaya,
- Five weeks in Jakarta, oh, tell me about it!
- My birthday with my favorite American friend who's too in love with Indonesia,
- My love to my best that still the same, Xtie & Ajung,
- Friendship all over the world,
- The coincident of meeting some people at the beach, ice cream place, coffee shop,
- The jobs that doesn't suit you,
- A workaholic Chef who's never give up on trying; you'll be okay,
- Mba' Angesti, super duper psychiatrist who never give up on me,
- Back to work = come back home, you know where.

and...
... and... and... and...
and... and... and...
...

I could write a thousand things happened; it's quite unintentionally taught me something about myself. And in the end, all I learned was how to be strong alone, I guess?

Those, who's on the picture, I'd love to see you all again in 2017, or even longer. And the story in the past, it's okay for me to just leave it behind, we have to be willing to lose anyway so we can win; in love, in life, in everything.

Like -The Word Virus- said, "It's beautiful, isn't it? How it all hurts but we never give up."

And this morning, you taught me that all pieces fall into place. Happy New Year, 2017, yoUniverse!

Woof

I met you, a year ago.
You got me wrapped around your little paw, and I was too afraid you couldn't make it.

Dear little human,
I woof you even you snore too loud,
I woof you even your smells of fart wake me up in the middle of night,
I woof you even you're too busy at the beach but still let me watch you,
I woof how your tail always wagging when you see me,
I woof the way you cuddle,
I woof the way you bark on strangers or some people you just... don't like.

Happy 1st anniversary to our friendship, Goof.

And when I let you lick my face, people think it's gross. For me, it will cure almost anything.

Be well!