Can Heaven Wait

34 Months after my Lars Weddeler passed away :(

Kevin and The Lottery Analogy

"Please, Kai, please! For the sake of your sanity, walk away!!" Kevin said.
If I were sitting in front of him, he knows that I will never see his blue eyes because I might be afraid to agree with the ugly truth; shitty relationship(s).

===

Five weeks in Jakarta is not easy at all. I miss Hong Kong, I want my Sundays, and cuddling with Max, the goofy fur-godson. I'm struggling with my slumber, dealing with the new beginning which I don't like. I just don't like a new start, that's it. And I don't like to be alone. Kevin, my American friend trying to save me having a better five weeks. He's not a hero, but he's a gentleman. Actually, he's a hero, too. He saves me from the days that he knows I can't be alone, he saves me from a -so-not-fun group hang out, he saves me from someone who might checking my phone and even updating my iOS!

Ladies, if only every man like Kevin, we don't have to face broken heart. Guaranteed. I am not his partner, but, Kevin will let you know when the rain comes just because he knows you like it. He will stand in a long queue and make sure your coffee is exactly your preference. Kevin will be just fine waiting for you at the lobby even you're late coming for dinner or coffee. Kevin will roll you with a blanket to keep you warm when he knows that you have a fever. Kevin will close the door so he will not wake you up when you still sleeping. Kevin will turn on the lights just because he knows you don't like the dark. I would probably have a thousand list about Kevin, but Kevin is the one you worth to be with. You will wake up every morning with no option of being anyone you wished because you love yourself when someone can accept you who you are.

And Kevin will wake up at 4:00 AM to put a glass of water for you :') 

A glass of water. I still remember when I told my BFF, Christie, I want an ordinary guy who will tell me that everything will be okay, and a glass of water on his hand. And Kevin standing in front of me.

"Stop being too real", I said. I once won a lottery when I found Lars, it's a jackpot, and I will not win again. Now when I have you, my dear American friend with a perfect American accent, I think I won again, so I will not winning for the third time.

===

"Lars was real! I am real! There are more! My lottery analogy: Know your lucky numbers, DO NOT let the system randomly select them for you!", Kevin said.

But I just need a break, Kev....

I Hate You, I Love You

It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you,
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you

As Lost As Alice

It's been three months since I'm away from the island. All I want is a city life, so I made it.
But in few hours, I have to go back to the island, I promise this time only for temporary before I'm back for good to Jakarta, or moving somewhere else with someone.

I'm pretty sure after "I keep standing between giving up and seeing how much more I can take", I'm still stuck between where am I to be, who am I, what I want to be, and who I should be.
I don't wanna be in Hong Kong looking at the window with my teary eyes and wandering,
I don't wanna be in Singapore because probably, I still don't know what to do,
I don't wanna be in Surabaya, simply because I don't like it,
I don't know whether I still wanna be in Bali after few times landed at the airport and struggling with the feeling of "I-am-not-home", or
I don't know whether it's a good time to go back to Jakarta, but I'm quite happy this time. 

Do you ever feel the same?
Unsure and lost, but then you can't avoid it, even after thousand times telling yourself that you'll be okay. Well, you know you'll be okay.

I'd like to stay with you, at the Kempinski balcony for a rainy day, but....

See? My mind is a wonderland, I can't read the maps!

And I've got no plans at all to leave :(

Childhood Dream

My childhood dream job was to be an astronaut.
What’s on my mind that time was, I could fly to the moon and reach the sky without realizing when I grow up, I’m more craving for some real space and it will be cool to just flying by myself all alone. Haha!
Then don’t ask me why I finally took my career as an hotelier as it is far from what I want: some space, not working alone.
But if you were to ask me now why I still want to be an astronaut, my answer will be:
I could fly alone and have my own space avoiding people.
At least wearing the costume just because I’m sick of people looking at me when I’m walking.

Groceries Shopping

Oh, if I could have the chance to fly with you, maybe I will.

Never Go Back

Who knows when we’ll be coming home at last,

 Home, where I wanted to go

and have a cup of coffee on a rainy day.

Coffee, Baby

Well, they’re moving us to Mars :’)

A Safer Place

People drain me.

And it feels good to be away from the island for the last three months. It’s just true that you never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air. I start respecting myself to walking away from the unhealthy working environment, unfaithful relationship, and meaningless friendship.

Toxic Working Environment:

- The Human Resources Manager who’s not even wearing her watch properly and refer to someone else about your job description, telling your boss the-so-not-true-story and I have to record whatever it is every time I talk with her. Seriously? Oh, I have A to Z about all shitty things happened that you will not believe it is really happened in one of biggest company in the world. Not a joke, I swear. Haha.
- Some people sitting at the long table during lunch time give you a nasty look.
- When you think talking with a Human Resources Manager is the best way in the right time while actually not.
- Sketchy workplace practice and inconsistent policies. Look out!
- A strong sense of yourself about disengagement, losing ground without anything actually happening, and you waking up in hospital twice in only three months difference because of dyspepsia. O-ow, trust your gut, you’re in the wrong place, darling!

Toxic Relationship:
- He is angry a lot of the time and you have to live with a lot of tension, feeling stressed.
- He fights dirty for his self-defensive.
- You used to recognize yourself until the reflection changes.
- You see yourself as a trophy wife.
- He cheats on you and not confess his affair.

Toxic Friendship:
- They never consider your feelings by keep saying something that makes you feel down.
- You start getting tired with all the appointment that they’ve made and on the day, they will say sorry because they can’t make it. Let’s make it another day means same shit different day.
- They claim all of these charming characteristics and bring nasty behavior on a consistent basis.
- They copy you, but then, the original is always the better than the sequel, ya?
- They just, gosh, pushing you hard until you hit a record low with stress. Phew, involving too much, living the drama, really? And I have to forget the bruises and forgive again?

I no longer have the energy, trust me this time. I’m sure I am allowed to terminate these toxic energies and I don’t owe an explanation. It is hard to set the boundaries with toxic people, but I need some changes. If you don’t hear from me anymore, you’re probably one of them :) 

 :')

Hujan dan Secangkir Kopi Panas

Pernah saya menanti Lars pulang mulai dari panas, hujan dan kembali kering.

Dia tidak juga kunjung datang, sampai larut, sampai pagi hampir menjelang. Tidak ada hujan di hari-hari kepergiannya. Tidak di hari pertama saya lalu tahu dia pergi selamanya, tidak di hari saya berada di Bali menyaksikan prosesi tutup jenazah untuk kemudian kami kirimkan ke Frankfurt, bahkan tidak di hari dimana saya tahu jenazahnya sudah tiba dipelukan Ibunda. Mungkin langit sudah kehilangan tenaganya, tidak sanggup lagi kalau harus terus-menerus melihat air mata di pipi tidak kunjung henti. Tidak juga keringat, dari badan yang terlalu lelah dan takut, takut kalau berita kematiannya benar-benar nyata. Takut kalau kekasihnya sungguh tidak akan pernah kembali.

Tetapi langit menjadi kawan setia, waktu dia, lelaki yang saya mulai jatuh hati, saya dapati membagi kasihnya kepada orang lain. Mungkin memang hanya langit yang setia, hujan tidak membiarkan saya menangis lagi, karena sudah diwakilkan. Berdoa saja, katanya langit, kalau memang dia harus kamu lepaskan, maka lepaskan saja. Tidak akan pernah ada satu alasanpun untuk bertahan, tidak siapapun. Maka langit memutuskan untuk mewakilkan hujan sebagai air mata yang mungkin tidak layak jatuh, meski hanya setetes. Kala itu, kalau memang cinta adalah tempat untuk berteduh, saya rela berlari saat hujan.

Sudah hujan, sayang. Maka jangan menangis lagi :’)

Bahkan ketika hujan mengantarkan saya pada tubuh yang menggigil, tidak pernah saya tidak jatuh hati. Hari itu, beberapa jam setelah saya pergi pamit kembali ke Jakarta, ada hujan yang terlalu deras. Ada mereka yang takut basah dan ada kendaraan yang takut beroperasi. Saya, lari dalam hujan, menyatu dengan setiap alirannya. Dingin, sama seperti hati kamu saat ini. Kalau hanya hujan dan demam, saya masih sanggup. Tapi kalau hati yang dingin penuh rasa benci, lebih baik kita pergi.

Hujan kali itu, barangkali yang terbaik. Perjalanan menuju ke salah satu toko kopi favorit di hari pertama berusia dua puluh delapan diiringi hujan. Tuhan memberkati setiap hati yang mau bangkit. Tuhan berikan rejeki bagi diri yang mengalami masa sulit. Secangkir kopi panas (tanpa gula rendah kalori), hari itu, adalah momen terbaik untuk memulai usia yang baik. Makan malam yang baik dengan salah satu teman baik, untuk segala sesuatu yang lebih baik.

Sudah hujan, sayang. Maka jangan menangis lagi :’)

 ...

Deserve, Do Not Ask

 Love me, I’m cold.

---Probably not a best pick up line on my first day of being 28. It is official now, new chapter.

I’m sitting at the coffee bar enjoying my cup of latte, and it’s raining. What a blessing! I start my first coffee at Red Blanc this morning and it was an empty coffee shop. My second latte was at my, ehm, probably place that I’ll work with, one day. And this third coffee is at the place that I will remember about Equal sugar. I will remember about this, even 20 years later, I think?

It wasn’t a good sleep last night, but as I remember, I’m smiling when I’m awake, finally! Or maybe I finally realized that I was not made for anyone, I was made for me. As I don’t have a plan for what I’m gonna do this time (not even from previous years), I think this is the time for self-love. It’s not selfish by the way, it is necessary!

Not an easy past, but, again, courage, dear heart. Courage. 

So, as I will still chasing fluttering pieces of prose, I’ll be very happy to share you what I read today about…. A strong woman, like, ehm, ME!

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. –Psalm 139:14

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. –Psalm 139

It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine. –Byron Katie

A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do. –Lisa Kleypas

She’s been through more hell than you’ll ever know. But that’s what gives her beauty an edge. You can’t touch a woman who can wear pain like the grandest of diamonds around her neck. –Alfa ©

She did all she could to stay. So when she leaves, when she’s reached her breaking point, she’ll be done for good. –r.h. Sin

Her soul was too deep to explore by those who always swam in the shallow end. –A.J. Lawless

If you’re lucky enough to find a girl who is hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning, and at two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts, and that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on, but also knows how to treat you right in someone worth a little something. –The Write Vibe

A woman is unstoppable after she realizes she deserves better. –Word Porn

So it’s time to respect yourself enough to know you deserve the very best. 

And you, what your favorite quote says about you?

Let It Go

There's no force on earth
Could make me feel right, no

James Bay ft Ed Sheeran - Let It Go

Let the ashes fall

Forget about me....

The Pieces of Twenty Seven

Oh, it was hard and it is.

I didn't make any plan to celebrate my 27th birthday last year at the shooting range so I can start, at least, something different and powerful. If the year before you celebrate with someone who makes you the happiest lady in this universe, this time, Christie was with me. Means it’s always a very good celebration of getting older! And I can’t run to agree that life, is indeed, like a roller-coaster. I wish I could cry louder knowing a 3,5 months old baby of my BFF didn’t have the chance to feel the rhythm of life. And if life is seriously trying to be kind, they could just swap. The baby and Lars.

My favorite words from Michael Faudet last year, "She was a curious girl, a wanderer, who spent her summers chasing fluttering pieces of prose and eating strawberries."
And this is the puzzle in twenty-seven pieces:
1.    For a healthy mind and body, talk to a psychologist
God, I’m adoring her! Thank you for saving my life, Mbak Angesty Putri. She’s one time asked me to write 100 things that I’m thankful about (I will share you later, I promise). I have a lot of favorite words from her but, I guess I need to remember again and again. “Inget,, not everyone deserves your energy… tolong inget itu.”
2.    I was made for sunny days
I made do with grey, but I didn’t stay, I was made for sunny days and I was made for you. Hahaha, my Gili Islands routine. No shirt, no flip flop, no problem! 
3.    Ice cream
It’s never too cold for ice cream, nor for me, lol! Yep, I like eating ice cream. Ben & Jerry, they seem the only two men who really understand women, ya? Oh, and it’s never too cold to walk in the rain with me, by the way.
4.    I love you like big fat pig
No, no. Not about loving pig after eating my favorite pork ribs in Ubud, Naughty Nuri’s. But dear food, I love you like a big fat pig! And I’m using the food to deal with anxiety and stress, too!
5.    The Simpsons
I was once waking up in Lombok Island and watching The Simpsons after questioning myself “what the hell am I doing here?” But then, “I am the lizard queen! I want strawberries!” –Lisa Simpson
6.    Papa turning 70
I’m 27 and he’s 70, but I’ll be his forever 3. And I miss being a kid, Pa. Scrap knees are easier to fix than a broken heart.
7.    The fine print
There are a million things that are going through my brain when I’m reading books, letter, post card, notes, and the newspaper that hotel send to the room every morning. Classic ya? And ah-dorkable! Hahaha.
8.    True friends
An acquaintance, mentor, online friend, friend, good friend, best friend and best friend forever, I have them all. They’re come and go, but after all, they’re the greatest blessings, warm the soul. And I don’t force them, if it’s not mutual, I’ll let them go.
9.    Coffee & Croissant
America being behind France in upward mobility is a little bit like France being behind America in Croissants and Afternoon Sex. –Arianna Huffington.
Haha! My friend Gareth and I normally hang out every Sunday to Monsieur Spoon in Canggu when he’s still living there, with Max too. Max, the goof American Bully that I love the most, is enjoying the croissant very much!
10.    So sick of love songs
Well, the tears are universal and yes, I have the same question about “theory of the song’s roiling emotions”. But if I have to choose one song, it will be Somewhere Only We Know by Keane:
“Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I’m getting old and I need something to rely on...."
11.    Kopi Pertama
Not a fan of Raditya Dika, but I always insert his “first coffee quotes” when I post something about my coffee. My favorite one is “Kopi pertama pagi ini. Luber. Seperti cinta yang datang di hati yang tidak terlalu lapang.”
12.    Mobile phone habit
People spend too much time staring into screens and not enough time drinking beer, tongue kissing, and dancing in the streets. Sad ya?
13.    You cannot make everybody happy, you’re not a Nutella jar
Who’s not loving Nutella and not happy about that. And I am having a habit of putting someone else before me. Putting another person above me. I make them happy and I forgot to make myself also happy!
14.    Noah Krockel
This is the year that his Dad, the Director of Operation of my two previous company moving to China. He’s a great boss that I can always work with, very cooperative. And Noah is always become a reason for me to have kids and into them. After Noah left, I want dogs more allowed in places, not children under 8 years. Yep, not into marriage, not into kids.
15.    Elephants never forget
I’m walking away for anything saddens me. Someone who kill the elephant, gorilla, etc etc and post it on Facebook and other social media… don’t tell me about it! I could cry like a kid losing her dolls. And yep, just like an elephant, I have a good memory and I unlikely to forget something.
16.    No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear
I did meeting Lars on Saturday night, I did!!! Silly I know, but he came over through the body of a Moslem Priest. I hold his hands and he touches my head gently, very gently. He didn’t say anything as it seems impossible as I have depression anyway. Be patience, let it all go. The saddest part was when the Priest told me he loves me sincerely. And again, tears running on my cheek. Vera and Allya struggling to hold me tight. “Jangan pergi.” I said. Just don’t.
17.    Career
I quit my job. Sigh. Working with one of the big group hotel company and moving after I got my job promotion, (Legian and Seminyak), is the worst part ever. Ever. I’m not joking. But at least the General Manager extend his apology by saying “we are sorry to put you in a wrong working environment, wrong working atmosphere. If you still consider to work with our group, please let me know.” NAH! NAH! NAH! Never again. Haha. I’m walking away, I am good. Hong Kong – Singapore – Surabaya – Jakarta – around the world!
18.    High Heels
I wear my high heels & stiletto like a pro! Just like I wore heartbreak, hurt like hell but I’ll make it look beautiful :’)
19.    What happens in Jakarta, stays in Bali!
I’m in Jakarta again now. Oh, it’s always fun, always my favorite playground. Guess what? Just guess!
20.    What was with rain that makes the poor heart mourn and sad?
Empty coffee shop and rainy days. Near perfect.
21.    Dogmama
Gareth rescue Max on November 2015, I am a loving dogmama, and he’s my four-legged godson. Nothing will change it. Without my blonde hair with me, in the next 10 years, I will cook for my man while I’m holding my own dog. Because probably, babies are really expensive Tamagotchis, sorry my words.
22.    Just friends
Friends with benefits, no label relationship, friendzone, good luck with that. You can’t be “just friends” with someone you’re in love with.
23.    Time to slow down, Big Girl!
Dyspepsia . Really? Twice in only three months difference, twelve nights in total with the same cause, same stress, and same medicines. I know, I know, what’s wrong with me? One day after I’m back from the hospital, I officially served my resignation letter. Details on “May the 4th be with you”
24.    Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time
I don’t have to explain about I am not the same. I’m not craving for any relationship status, label or any kind of attachment that leads me to a meaningless relationship in the end. I didn’t trust love, but I did trust you, that time. You said you liked storms so I let you in. Turns out you can only handle a little rain and I am a hurricane. That quotes, enough said “now you understand, don’t even let the door open if you don’t want to let me in.” So, 27, blow me one last kiss, there’s always one more time, to trust love.
25.    I see you watch her
“There is no point in trying to make a guy commit to an exclusive relationship if he still wants or needs to sow his wild oats.” Well said! And I didn’t expect any perfect apology about it. Close the page, let me go. “All alone I watch you watch her… Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen…”
26.    Home
Gili Trawangan, beach, friendship, I called it home. I don’t refer home as a place since I grow older. I found that ‘home’ went from being a place to being a person. You were my home and you told me to move. But, still, home, home, where I wanted to go.
27.    Dear heart
Phew! This is the longest duration ever in writing my blog. I’m turning 28 in few hours and I am so excited. So, dear heart, thanks for being so big and ambitious when it comes to love. I hope the rest of me catches up to you someday :’)

Picture taken in Hong Kong. With you and 11 red roses.

P.S. I'm more than ready for the next chapter in my life.