No Matter How Soft the Voice

Do you ever gamble yourself or fight in the battle of heart's guidance?
When your pride said "It's impossible"
When your experience said "It's risky"
When your reason said "It's pointless"
Then your heart finally tell you "Give it a try"?

I was at one of the junk-food corner having my Chicken Swiss Mushroom and suddenly getting random with my mind...
"Damn, I should listen to my heart, shame you regret!"

This is maybe why I got stuck here, at the place where I don't belong.

And starting from now on, I let her (my heart) take the control:

no matter how soft the voice

It's on your left side, but it will always be

RIGHT.... 

Menguji Keikhlasan Kasih Ibu

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Hanya saja, luka dan duka yang tidak kunjung hilang, selalu mengantarkan saya kepada pertanyaan, kenapa surga harus berada di telapak kaki Ibu? Kenapa tidak di telapak kaki Ayah? Atau kenapa tidak di antara bintang, yang selalu ada walau bumi sedang berputar.

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa sapu lidi yang mereka gunakan untuk membersihkan kotoran, melayang di tubuh saya setiap kali Ibu berhadapan dengan rasa marah?
Kenapa tangan halus Ibu saat menyusui saya dan kedua kakak-kakak saya harus menjadi merah setelah Ibu mendaratkan keras di tubuh saya saat kesal sedang menghantui Ibu?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa Ibu membiarkan bahu orang lain menjadi sandaran untuk saya, saat saya menangis ketakutan, waktu Ibu kerasukan setan entah apa, Ibu hanya ingin melampiaskan semua amarah kepada saya.
Kenapa Ibu memaksa saya bersalaman dengan seorang rentenir, hanya untuk menunjukkan kepada orang lain bahwa anak Ibu punya rasa hormat dan agar dibekali seribu rupiah?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa buah tangan untuk saya, dari salah satu sanak saudara, Ibu gunakan untuk mendapatkan keuntungan dalam bentuk materi, dari anak Ibu sendiri?
Kenapa Ibu mencaci lelaki saya, dan mendadak memujanya setengah mati waktu tau dia sangat berlimpah materi?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Kasih saya tetap ada, saya tetap memuja Ibu dan masih bangga, waktu sujud Ibu kepada Tuhanmu, berada di bawah ayat Tuhan perantara saya.
Kali itu saya masih percaya bahwa ikhlas berada di sana, di antara jarak dan perbedaan.

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Hari ini, sebuah rangkaian kalimat oleh salah seorang sahabat, saya baca kembali, dia bahkan tidak lupa mengingatkan "jangan keraskan hatimu, tetap didengar rupanya kalau sudah berdoa buat anaknya."

Selamat ulang tahun Ma! Jangan mengemis lagi soal cinta, karena yang ditawarkan manusia memang tidak ada yang sempurna.

Dari penggalan "Sudah Lima Belas Tahun aku tak Bertemu Ibu."

Untuk para Ibu dan untuk calon Ibu yang memutuskan untuk tidak melahirkan anaknya, lengkap dengan segala laranya,

dari Bali.

Good Catch on Summer Night

It's not my birthday, it's his.
But I'm smiling like a kid blushing got her cotton candy.

Haha! I can't even reach him as he spend his time with family for his birthday, at their holiday's house, out of Sydney, so I just leave -a-not-cute-voice-message- with very beautiful back-sound of:

Babyface - Everytime I Close My Eyes

"Alright, I'm... I'm trying to call you but as you telling me of voicemail or you told me before that you have no reception, so I know it's 12 o'clock already in Sydney or somewhere else that whenever you are, uhm.. wherever you are, I mean. So, Happy Birthday to my amazing man in the world. Uhm.. I don't know, I almost cry now, I can't tell you how much I'm happy to have you around. Mmm... Yup.. It feels like you're my spring time in winter, it feels like Christmas in June, and it feels like heaven has opened up it's gates for me and you... Mmm... So Happy Birthday, again, I'm happy that we made it so far.

As I'm telling you few days ago on Skype, that I'm telling everyone about you, like you really put a star on my, on my sky and I don't wanna losing you, however. So I wish you all the best, more successful in the future. I know you're working hard for yourself, for your own future and you're doing good, you're doing amazing. Uhm.. It's just really a blessing that I found somebody like my James. All the best, and I talk to you soon!"

Beep...! Yes, nervous!

I wish you're just waking up next to me, cuddles 'lil bit longer, coffee, and reminiscing a year ago, the day that remind me to that "Summer Night" on June.

Not a good picture, but...

Distance means nothing when you're means everything...

My Will - Your Joy

Again, not yet. I was sitting quietly at The Seminyak Beach Resort & Spa waiting for my cab bring me to a place I can get a good food, good coffee and good rest; home at last.

Calm down...

Deep breaths...

One Minute Meditations

29

JUNE

My Will - Your Joy

The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.

Psalm 121:5

You can never go beyond My love and care. Circumstances I bless and use must be right ones for you. 

But the first step is to lay your will before Me as an offering, sure that if you trust Me, what I do for you will be best.

Your second step is to be sure that I am powerful enough to do everything, that no miracle is impossible with Me.

Then leave all with Me.

♥

 

 

 

For all things makes me wonder, and you, my man that I met a year ago, and text me this date, a year ago :')

Happy Birthday In Heaven, Lars!

My hands stiff, frozen.

Well, my Lars Weddeler... I'm sorry that I didn't celebrate your birthday with too many prayers for you.
I choose a quiet night to wish you a very happy soul and you just fine up there.
Even though I can feel you just next to me and you must be laughing on me because I almost crying every night asking whether you're there or not.
I know, I know I might be too selfish until I finally dream something push me to let you go.

My so-not-romantic guy, I start hating anyone who tells me that you're no longer here with me.
I choose not to hear them when they said "let him go". Baby, tell me what should I do? Tell me what should I tell, that you never really leave, when I know I can still feel you around when I know you're just sleeping next to me and you hold me tight just like a month before you go.
Yeah, which you never do that to the other nights we have, and I was never thinking it was a sign, one of the sign I mean, my Mr. Not Romantic Guy becoming very super melancholics and full of surprise :) -(but you still annoying, though).

Another year was gone, we were celebrating your birthday last year. A day that I can't stop crying- upset at the same time when they won't write wishes for me just because they thought I'm not going to move on.

 Birthday cake " Lars Weddeler, Happy Birthday, Luv. ♥Risya "

 Questioning "Why do the best people die?" It's just like when you're in a garden, you pick the most beautiful flowers :') . Sr. Nena with me, pray & comforting. Aaahhh :(

  And they say, "She loves you, Lars!" -yes, she is.

No more celebration, birthday boy! It will be only you and me, in bed. I will only remember you when the last time we met to re-set-up our future. The day that we both admit that we can't really live without each other :')
P.S. You are super sweet that night, I was wondering how the other girls treat you like; until you finally realized that I'm the one and only. Haha! I know, you will tell me I'm too confidence, but again, we have confession night that time.
So my forever soul-mate, after I talked to Owen this afternoon, I will only visit Chiang Mai if I did travel to Germany because I wanna meet Mutti Christel. I'll thank her for delivering you to my world, bring her white flowers just like you want me to put them at home.
We will walk to visit orphanage and see the kids there, one of your favorite :')
Come to you and ask her to leave us...
Oh, she can stay! She will hear how my day dreaming changes from "have an ice cream in Paris" to be "visiting Germany; you and your mom". Telling you how much you meant to me, how I'm laughing when Dewi try to introduce you to me while actually you're my forever man, how James is totally becoming my own rainbow after I met him a year ago (don't be jealous, you're gonna like him!).
And how I ask my dad and mom pray for me that I can quit my job after they wishing you a happy birthday.

That's it? No. I owe you lots of stories which I know I don't have to tell you, but I might need to tell your mom (well, because you really know what happen- yeah you're always next to me anyway).

You're 34 that time, and you're turning 36 today. Numbers! How I wish I had more days, weeks, another life; enough time to see you one last time.

P.S. Guess What.

Doubt Your Doubt

Time flies too fast! Or am I the one who keeps harder to trust life a little bit?

It's O.C.T.O.B.E.R and I might the only one who will NOT say "I'm so glad I live in the world where there are Octobers."

I don't know whether I should not hoping that Jakarta Marathon wasn't existed as my Lars Weddeler leave me alone after that event. He broke his promises, (I'm not, he said).

And it's almost a year after he passed away, time flies even faster than September to October 2014 compare to October 2013 - 2014?

Remember when I post "I Do, August, I Do."? Maya Angelou said "To those who have given up on love, trust life a little bit." So when I start to trust, that's the time I start giving up the same time :'(
I'm sorry, Maya. I'm sorry...

Then Thee, I offer myself to Thee

Or I might need someone who holds my hands, telling me this, maybe? Maybe.

While cuddle and holding this cute pillow :)

Not a care in the world....

I Do, August. I do.

It's just a few minutes before August end.

So, two things:

 

1

 2

And I'd like to believe it :')