Love to Love You

I didn't realize the lyric until I found out and confuse to whom this song I should send to.

But, happy birthday to James Treloar!

Alex Hepburn

And I do miss you, Ralph!

~ So don't go giving up ~ No matter what you do ~

May the 4th Be With You

Tuesday, May 4th, 2016

"Ralph I'm going to serve my resignation letter today. I can't stand anymore."

-+-+-+-

Those sentences are part of my anxiety that keeps bothering me lately. It is! And I'm hospitalized for twice in only 3 months different. Same ill, same medicines, same pain, and I'm sure, same cause.
I draft my resignation letter without knowing what will happen after. I just did it and I let the draft written without any exact date. Just, draft. And serve. If possible.

I was planning to give 'that' letter in June so I can look after him when his lovely daughter off for summer holiday. But, just like other human and as I'm getting older, I can't bear any longer with something unhealthy and uncomfortable.

If on December I wrote how happy I am, I might too early to giving a wrong impression that time. I can't talk any further, but this good article, even the facial expression is represented about what happen here.

Sometimes, you just have to put the Olds in their place.

I used to like coming to Human Resources Department office when I was working for Four Seasons Hotel Jakarta. One time the Human Resources Director see me worry like an old woman, he just wisely said: "this is why we hire you because you simply being who you are."

Unfortunately, here, when I thought I was talking with the right person at the right time, she brings me too much feeling of hopeless and demotivated as she keeps talking what she wants, personally, about my personal. Oh, I thought I have my right to eat wherever, whenever and with whoever I want. Jeez, I can't even have my sick in a comfort place and for some reason, she's like to repeat racism conversation that makes find the answer why she can't even wear her watch properly.

This why I also not having my basic documents since 6 months I'm joining this property. 

Don't worry, the 4th is with me, even after 1 hour -whatever-talks-recorded- and I feel like I'm dying.

Darling, we judge because we don't understand. We don't understand because we judge.  

Center of problems? Probably! I'm not working to pay my hospital bill, by the way.

Yes, something wrong. Even a lot. 

I die. I'm done, I mean.

And on the 5th, my phone blinking, my own snow in the Sahara.

-+-+-+-

"What happen, stay in HK for a rest."

Lost in Christmas VS Mother's Day

It was yesterday, the day that most of my friend posting about Mother's Day. Sweet, hey? And it seems that they really love their Mom and praise her 'that much' by the way they posting the picture and leave some good notes about. Me? Nope! Trying to see if I care about Mother's Day? Nope, still don't. I'm sorry, Mama.

Yes, I said I'm sorry Mama. I did celebrating Mother's Day for someone else. I'm telling Lars 's Mom how I wish could hug her and be strong as her. She's a single parent with her only son that I love the most: Lars Weddeler.

"Don't cry, baby girl. I whispered myself." She can't speak English, but she still could manage to talk to me through Facebook. Her only want is, to have a picture of Lars that she never see it before, very nice smile and he wear a hat. So I send it. I send my Lars's picture without any jealousy, afraid his Mom steal his smile from me.
After God took him away from me, the my-so-over-protective feeling is stronger. Haha, I'm so sorry, Luv, but I'm really sure you are still here. Mom said she were with you 3 years ago for Christmas. So I said it's the day we break up and I still keep the Christmas gift that I might give to her. And it is another reason why I put your name on my phone book as "Lost in Christmas" instead of "Lars Weddeler".

I did tell Mom, too, about that, Luv. About how I will never forget you, about how you will always be in my heart. Angelo tell me this evening, "Lars wants you to be happy, Lars wants you to move on. There is no limit for grieving, but you will get through this."

And the rain is falling, they're nice enough to be my representative how I'm struggling not to cry listening about what he said. About now I remember I didn't answer my psychiatry question when she's telling me "how genuine are you?" Genuine number one means you accept whatever God's decision. Means that you are very sure, from the bottom of your heart, it is God's plan who creates Lars, and it's okay, God. I accept it.
Number two, memorizing. What we remember is only about memory. Not as not genuine as it should be, but you just can't forget about him. It's like you have a box inside your heart that sometimes you just open, remembering, and close it. Put it the box there, and moving! Or number three: regret, thinking about "what if?" So which one are you? She asked.

So here I stand and then again I cry...

Still couldn't find the answer, but, happy Mother's day to you, too, Mbak Angesty!

She Wanted the Rainbow

So She Put Up with the Rain.

Yes, finally! I have never been this excited before when I leave the company that I'm working for.
Early Christmas gift? Possibly.
Things are getting so much better here, I get whatever I ain't got before with lots of interesting details;
office hours 9 to 6
Sunday Monday offs
both front and back of the house job
my own huge office
not wearing the uniform, after 23 years with uniform, hell yeah!
got my dress laundered and nicely put on my own wardrobe at the office
4 beautiful ladies whose very expert on their job
head of a department? 27 years old? why not!
What else? Might too many, but small attention and little conversation in between my office hours every day with my General Manager are a bonus!

Is it a good start hey? After spend some time with my parents telling them what's spinning on my mind for 27 years I'm living, enjoying a JakVegas life before the new job, moving to a new place that only 700 m away from work and 800 m away from the beach. That was truly a blessing after raindrops! Even my partner said, "It sounds like everything is going great with your new job. As they say, good things come to those who wait. Well done and it is great to hear how happy you seem in your new job."

14 months waiting for this new job, while I didn't see my amazing partner physically for 8 months is taught me these:

Good things come to those who wait :')

Just... Start.

Phew...!

I can't recall –when-I-never saying to myself, “Thank God!”

Happy, super happy, very happy, you name it. Even though I still remember how hard I try to leave my previous company that I’m working for, with all the drama and backstab stories on it. Seriously, I don’t want to remember as it only brings you to a negative huge stage, while where am I now, it’s only about positive; radiance, vibes, energy, environment.

I was quite often giving up before, give up with too many questions on my mind; like “why is so hard to leave this place, the place where I don’t belong?” I woke up with another question “really, do I have to work today?” 

No, no. It doesn’t mean I didn’t grateful that I have a proper job with enough salary to fulfil my needs, doesn’t work that way. But dealing with the negative working environment is taking extra energy and killing you softly; you barely breathing and keep whispering yourself “you’ll be okay, baby girl.”

So here I am now, in heaven for my mind, a place where I finally believe, “you cannot have a positive life with the negative mind.” My two strong reasons; JK and FL- even can’t help me anymore to stay longer, I remember. But then I was thinking this way:

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I’m nervous, definitely. New position with super caring boss who even serve me a cup of cafe latte on my 3^rd day around and sitting next to me when we had Head of Department dinner, having my own huge office surrounded by him- the General Manager, and Executive Assistant Manager, not wearing a uniform, 9 to 6 schedule every Tuesday to Saturday, Sunday Monday off and definitely still with ACCOR, which I know it would be positive sign for me if one day I finally reach my man in Sydney.

The good quotes said, “Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hand shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just... start.

 P.S. I’m not a selfie fan, so excuse me, my first picture in my office after rewarding myself with new... ehm!

No Matter How Soft the Voice

Do you ever gamble yourself or fight in the battle of heart's guidance?
When your pride said "It's impossible"
When your experience said "It's risky"
When your reason said "It's pointless"
Then your heart finally tell you "Give it a try"?

I was at one of the junk-food corner having my Chicken Swiss Mushroom and suddenly getting random with my mind...
"Damn, I should listen to my heart, shame you regret!"

This is maybe why I got stuck here, at the place where I don't belong.

And starting from now on, I let her (my heart) take the control:

no matter how soft the voice

It's on your left side, but it will always be

RIGHT.... 

Menguji Keikhlasan Kasih Ibu

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Hanya saja, luka dan duka yang tidak kunjung hilang, selalu mengantarkan saya kepada pertanyaan, kenapa surga harus berada di telapak kaki Ibu? Kenapa tidak di telapak kaki Ayah? Atau kenapa tidak di antara bintang, yang selalu ada walau bumi sedang berputar.

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa sapu lidi yang mereka gunakan untuk membersihkan kotoran, melayang di tubuh saya setiap kali Ibu berhadapan dengan rasa marah?
Kenapa tangan halus Ibu saat menyusui saya dan kedua kakak-kakak saya harus menjadi merah setelah Ibu mendaratkan keras di tubuh saya saat kesal sedang menghantui Ibu?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa Ibu membiarkan bahu orang lain menjadi sandaran untuk saya, saat saya menangis ketakutan, waktu Ibu kerasukan setan entah apa, Ibu hanya ingin melampiaskan semua amarah kepada saya.
Kenapa Ibu memaksa saya bersalaman dengan seorang rentenir, hanya untuk menunjukkan kepada orang lain bahwa anak Ibu punya rasa hormat dan agar dibekali seribu rupiah?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Tapi kenapa buah tangan untuk saya, dari salah satu sanak saudara, Ibu gunakan untuk mendapatkan keuntungan dalam bentuk materi, dari anak Ibu sendiri?
Kenapa Ibu mencaci lelaki saya, dan mendadak memujanya setengah mati waktu tau dia sangat berlimpah materi?

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Kasih saya tetap ada, saya tetap memuja Ibu dan masih bangga, waktu sujud Ibu kepada Tuhanmu, berada di bawah ayat Tuhan perantara saya.
Kali itu saya masih percaya bahwa ikhlas berada di sana, di antara jarak dan perbedaan.

Saya tidak pernah membenci Ibu, kalau Ibu benar-benar ingin tahu.
Hari ini, sebuah rangkaian kalimat oleh salah seorang sahabat, saya baca kembali, dia bahkan tidak lupa mengingatkan "jangan keraskan hatimu, tetap didengar rupanya kalau sudah berdoa buat anaknya."

Selamat ulang tahun Ma! Jangan mengemis lagi soal cinta, karena yang ditawarkan manusia memang tidak ada yang sempurna.

Dari penggalan "Sudah Lima Belas Tahun aku tak Bertemu Ibu."

Untuk para Ibu dan untuk calon Ibu yang memutuskan untuk tidak melahirkan anaknya, lengkap dengan segala laranya,

dari Bali.