Twenty-Whatever

"I have a fear of commitment", I said.

Then he says "Join the club. Got burnt very badly in the past, but life goes on and we heal."

So I join the club.
And it feels like I'm at a bakery shop, he sugar coat everything.

Darling, when it comes to commitment, I'm so scared to the bones. So please, please, please, have the talk. Be that gentleman. I don't require you to make grand gestures of forever or to vow you will never leave, I don't. When you wake up in the morning with me next to you, you can always try to tell me that healing truly exists, you're not the same with other men that I, most of the time think about -he saw you. he met you. he wanted you. he liked you. he chased you. he got you. he had you. he got bored. he left-.

You don't have to be the member of them so I will remember you. I triggered easily, yes. I'm damaged, yes. I struggle with things, and I survive. So this year, my deep knot of anxiety about falling in and out of love, is a little bit change to "self-loving.'
I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy: people, job, habits, and I don't care about the disloyal judgment.

People these days gain attention by losing respect. I couldn't more agreed about that. And it's fine, it's just fine and you don't need to care about that. So, let me go, let me leave, we don't need to prove people that we are okay while we are not. Life is getting harder on my crisis phase. There is some night when I'm curled up on the floor and I won't talk to anyone. Same such questions: what do I want? Where should I live? What job should I do? What happened with my family? Why has Lars gone too soon? What did I do wrong?

I sense that I am slowly letting go. Growing less in thinking about you, your family every single day are the most difficult thing, all at once for the rest of my days being 27. It will turn into dust, soon. I'll be wild and reckless as I used to be until I finally find someone just as wild to run with. If it's not you, it doesn't matter, darling!

And to whoever you are, we've got time, let's sit on the rooftop and introduce your mind. I will be attracted to know that you'll be my rocket fuel for me to going places. Meanwhile, I will still sit at the empty coffee shop, loving rainy days, and adoring intelligent conversation.

:')