41 White Roses

Happy Birthday In Heaven, Lars Sayang!

You'll be 41YO today if you still around and I will see some white hairs (if you grow your hair, lol). I'll be laughing all day about you getting old and you will use it as an excuse to ask me to scratch your back very long before you sleep and I'll do it anyway even though I'm sleepy. 

I love you; there is so much story to tell, but don't worry, it will be not much more than my love for you. I hope you enjoy your day in heaven with Lee, it marked 7 months after he left, you guys could have a drink or two for me, okay?

Okay.

P.S. You Know What :')

The Gift and the Karma

I dream of this tree two weeks ago. The tree in front of the house that we live in. Then I wrote a caption "There are no words of a coincidence under this horizon." -GF

It's been tough weeks, not only for us but for everybody. Gareth had dengue two weeks ago. We had medical on call for three days in a row before we decide to be taken care of in the hospital. I was home and not any days that I don't have to do anything else other than to look after him, the house and the kids. It will be a different story if I'm in Jakarta or still work for a hotel. 

Covid-19 Pandemic is around the world, we can't avoid that. Lots of people lose their job, lose hope, even lose their loved ones; dead or alive. Some of them who are trapped in a house with their partner are realized they are not meant to be that they decide to wish everything well between two of them in the future and move on. Some are trying to get used to both existences that rarely happened in the past. Some are moving to the next level and have a stronger faith that everything will be alright. 

But then this is not only about relationship, it is health and economy. I could say nothing's change in this situation, I'm quite comfortable with just having my daily life, but being home with the kids is new, it's a mega bonus that I was dreaming of this since long time ago. We are comfortable, there is food in the table, bills are managed that we don't have to seek help from strangers or friends. When we can do good, we do good. When we can help, we do help. And there are worse days that I need to deal with people who fake the conversation before asking for a favor, and I still help them anyway. 

Some will see this pandemic as a gift, some will see this as karma. We all believe that what goes around comes around. We just don't realize, perhaps in the past, we talk too much to impress people or to hide our lack of confidence, perhaps in the past we stand so big that others are small, perhaps in the past, we talk too loud that we can't listen others speaking, perhaps in the past, we are too cocky, too confident that our business is better than others, perhaps in the past we are too busy to impress people that we forget to impress our own life, perhaps in the past, we think we are the riches, the handsomeness, the most ideal and the perfect ones that we forget not everyone is beautiful and nothing or no one in this world is perfect, perhaps in the past, we ignore people who love us and hurt them that we're too busy with people who don't. Perhaps this is the right moment to apologize to yourself, to the people you hurt as they might be the ones who always on your side no matter what, and see the good things in every bad thing happened.

Pict Source: Google

Do you take this moment to reflect on yourself? I do and I hope you do, too. And for me, this is the gift. Whatever the universe brings to me, it is always a gift, and the universe trust not only who speaks nice, it is trusting more the people with a good heart and doing good karma for their life.

Pict Source: Haroon Rashid

Holding the Boundaries

It is never my job to be everything to everyone. But some people are still too delusional that they think it's disrespectful when I don't forgive and let the shit go, and allow them to continue to disrespect me. And it's never the first time for me to listen to "let it go, Risy, we met people who say something we don't like but we need to accept that." Not for me, I am not you that live to impress everybody else and forget to impress your own life. Not everybody deserves my forgiveness and I am not always genuinely willing to let the shit go for the cause that made by assholes on this island. One act like he knows everything about me, one playing around with my human right in my own country that a joke is never ON when it leads to insecurities feeling (I will steal your dog when you are in Jakarta, come on, it is not funny, you ass!), one generalize me the same as she only has trashy friends who always takes her for granted (in this case, material things), the other one thinks she is special and she has the privilege to let me down and not appreciate my existence. Some just being idiots for taking people's kindness for granted thinking they will be just fine.

Stand in my shoes, you will not survive this unbearable pain that I am holding for years and years, and what I only want is simple: go fucking away from our fucking life. 

I am peace enough until you guys make me pissed and not knowing that I am not holding the grudge. I am holding stronger boundaries to not letting you all underestimate me again. Enough is just enough. Do you think it is okay to hurt anyone who never hurt you in the first place? No, it's not. It is not okay to hurt people who never hurt you and it is not okay to let them hurt me even more. 

Trust me, "treat me nice and I will treat you better" is so common in humans life or even as simple as "we seek to deal with others as we would have them deal with us."

Pict Source: Pinterest

Staying in Love

They said "falling in love is easy but staying in love is very special". Indeed. I stay in love with them who's not even alive anymore, just cause forever is not enough, especially when you know you are being loved. 

I saw this picture last week, trapped in between "I'd like to say something too" or "I just leave as it is". And I choose to type now, hahah. 

Picture Source: Instagram @_house.of.leaders_

I don't know yours, but this is what I see behind the picture of this couple:

• There's not too much "I" or "My" statement or any weaponized words,
• They don't search online dating when they're fighting. Imagine this era that online dating can accommodate not only single people but also not-available, married people etc, etc, just simply because they're fighting. Isn't it should be fixed instead of having fun that way? What an ego,
• No one shakes their head when something wrong happened,
• No one raises the tone when they're upset or walking away so they feel superior especially in front of the public,
• No one received quotes not to worry from another person who actually ruins every single freaking thing; the quotes, wisdom, bible quotes, trying to comfort and bullshiting in a slutty way, and still ignorance even though she knows that no one cares about what she sends? Pathetic whore are dangerous species in this universe, really,
• No one scrolling the Phone Books when they get bored sending selfie picture and safety wishes,
• No one stalking through Social Media from God knows how many accounts they have,
• No one takes a long damn spin ride alone when they're on quarantine,
• No one hides anything between two each other,
• No one seeking perfection from each other as there's nothing perfect in this world, for fuck sake, "0% Perfect, as whore said",
• No one put out the fire with oil when the fire broke out, someone would bring water instead,
• No one demand about physical perfection and happy soul all the time,
• No one playing the victim for every truth founded or slander or distort facts with the assumption,
• No one calling the wrong name many freaking times and again and again and again without an apology,
• No one will be taking for granted for the love that too much, the heart that too big and the forgiven that unlimited.

I am not the love expert to see more things about the picture and can share mine but if I may suggest to all of you that falling in love:

• Love can be painful sometimes but shouldn't be that painful until you sink down and you forget how to swim, so you need to make sure that the love you're fighting for is worth your energy, your time, your everything you have so you feel recharge for every time you feel like giving up, oh, and please don't love too much, don't care too much and do not trust too much,
•  If you can't love someone in return, please do not hurt them, please please please. I know what it feels like to be loved, people who constantly giving and falling in love and staying in love is using their whole heart and not manipulative, not sugar coating, not trying to impress, it's all naturally coming from the heart even though it's against common sense sometimes. Just don't hurt her/ him :')
• Instead of remembering the good things all the time, have some time to remember all the trips they made to see you, the pages of the book they read to transport your love story, the music they unlock to so they could listen more, the day/ night time they look after you when you are unwell and nobody cares and for every time she/ he scored your heart even though it's not always easy for her/ him.

Life is shorter than our nails, cherish every moment you have because you don't know that she might crave every freaking Sunday with you, you are her Sundays. Fix the communication that broken, fixes the weaponized words that shouldn't be there, lower your tone, and improve your conversation instead. Start the discussion without waiting too long and being passive most of the time. Talk to her nicely even though you're mad, stop shaking your head, and assume you both are in competition because she's not a dumbass who interest in any competition anyway. Just fucking TALK and FIX it. Be brave, as brave as you are when you walking away or let her standing alone in public. Use that balls to apologize and just accept that it is okay if everything is not perfect and accept to just be grateful for what you currently have.

Blessed those people who love and be loved all their lives, I'm sending my love to you all to survive not only during the quarantine but every day in life. 

"May we choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong." -Thomas S. Monson

Stay Paw-sitive

My doghter, Roxy, will have surgery tomorrow. As much as I tried not to be nervous in front of her, God knows how worry I am (I hope You do). My tears normally running like broken tap water when I know something happened with this child. The last time she has to be hospitalized, days are long that I couldn't wait to visit her with limited visiting hours.
And tomorrow, 11 AM, I don't know :( really. What should I bring? What should I do? How am I supposed to do to look calm in front of her?

Pict from last August when she hospitalized and Mama can't stop crying.

You're the most beautiful thing in the world, Roxy. You are the Ocean Eyes :')

I woof you more than anything in this world.

The Unsaid

I thought we're about to reunite last night? I thought you will hold my hands and help to carry me, Lars? You just laughing on me with Lee that I couldn't make it again, don't you? I don't wanna die on Sunday because you both left on Sunday. I used to like Sunday that much that we called it Sunday Avocuddle. Sunday is the day I will whine on Gareth about what are we going to do and where are we going. But things are not always as easy as Sunday. I'm barely breathing last night, my neck hurt, my tears are running like a waterfall and I'm so tired that I can't describe it any more. I just wanna, boom! Gone.

If there is any chance for you guys to take me, just take me. I had so many meltdown moments lately. I lose all the confidence because people want me to be perfect and I just can't. People want me to be chilled but then I have to keep all the silent tears by myself. And I just can't. And I don't know if I need help or letting them guess that I'm just a happy personality with a sad soul.

I have so many words that were said in the unsaid. When I start losing my people, no matter how I miss them, I'm so grateful that with the smaller circle I know who loves me the most and accepts me the way I am. They know I can't be somebody I can't. I'm all alone but never be lonely, I don't crave the attention; when I miss their presence, we talk, we text or we video call. Except when I miss you, Lars, the only thing I can do just send a message your Mom then continue crying. Not even when I miss Lee, I send a message on Instagram just being silly even though I know he won't reply. I did press the voice call trying to ignore the news that Lee is also not here anymore.

So here am I, stuck with most of the things. I'm too in love to let the things go, I'm too care that I forget to look after myself. Just hopelessly loving and dreaming but I know I'm dead inside.
Send me some positive vibes, please?

Picture's Source: here

Saved on Instagram

Are you spending more time during quarantine on your Instagram? What is your time on your Instagram? How many accounts you have? And what do you like about it? What kind of posts did you save on your Instagram?

Here's mine:

• I am not spending more time during #dirumahaja or #stayhome because on regular days, I am spending time on Instagram anyway,
• My daily average time I spent per day this week during #quarantine is 1h32m,
• I have 5 accounts with me; 1 is whatever I post, whatever I like, whatever I save, where my friends are, etc. 1 is my true love, Max Moore. 1 is my everything, Roxy Kanahaya. 1 is the account I had on 2016, I separate my personal and professional account because my ex-GM is a total bitch who always related my personal life to professional life; I can't even have my WhatsApp Profile Picture wearing a dress even though it's my phone, I pay for the phone bill as well. Sucks, so I made that account and I don't use it anymore as I am not working in that hell anymore anyway, haha. 1 is for F & B; every picture is either food or beverage and I only follow food bloggers, restaurants, recipes online, etc. Though I have 5 accounts in total, I'm wise enough to use it, I am not using any accounts to stalk and hide from my loved ones to sneak or stab from behind, I am not creating any accounts for my delusional project to impress (which this can be used for stalking as well). Oh, please!
• What I do like about Instagram; I can see what my friends doing especially those who are far away from me, I can see dogs and animals from all over the world, I can see the news in shorter duration, I can see restaurants promotion, and just like Lee, I like Instagram Direct Messages because we can un-send messages. He said "I can redact messages I wanted to say but then get scared of afterward. Perfect for me! Hahaha." I miss you, Lee, I do :')
• And this is the latest 15 I saved on my Instagram account: (I capture the pictures with the account names so you can follow them directly)

Home Decor - Anything with high ceiling, books shelves, cement, huge window, I love it. But I look at the tiny ones as well lately:

Quotes - Who doesn't like quotes, by the way? I do, from the serious to not serious, sarcasm, poet, you name it:

Anything funny that sooo me or what I feel right now, which better take it in a jokes way other than crying yourself and read a sad poem:

British touch; the jokes, the accent. Lee normally sends me a lot, which he couldn't do it anymore :') Oh, of course, I have saved his post on his birthday as well. You are the sweetest soul, Lee, gone too soon, it's 5 months now and I still check my phone in the morning to see your morning messages. This is crazy.

:)