Thursday, August 27, 2020

But Please---

 I posted this picture 5 years ago, 22 months after you passed away:


I know, I know it's 6 years 10 months today and I'm still grieving. I am sorry but I miss you that much that I always cry when I remember you, Lars. Not that I am upset that you are not here anymore, not that I want you to come back alive for me. I miss being myself without you trying to change me at all. I'm not perfect, nobody is, but at least you let me by myself that I could be messy, stubborn AF, happy and weird without any reasons, moody, or shitty and you never judge me for any second. I don't have a fake image to maintain, if I am so shitty there must be something. Life always as simple as "there's no smoke if there's no fire" and I could be shitty anytime; in the morning, afternoon, whenever someone upsets me; before or after coffee, I could be upset anytime when there is a cause and you never stop me, you never standing on their side for any once as you know you don't have to stand on my side either, but at least you don't say a thing, you don't stop me or you will assume that I am insecure people attacking me by being impolite. 

I bet you and Lee love heaven that much as people could be so shitty here. It cost ZERO energy to be polite, it cost ZERO energy to asking permission if anyone would love to take a picture of our belongings instead of sneaking around lesser than 1 freaking meter to just asking "Excuse me, your dogs are beautiful, do you mind if I take a picture of them?" IT COST NOTHING TO BE A POLITE HUMAN, FOR FUCK SAKE. 

And it cost nothing to don't say a thing instead of hurting your loved ones by standing on the wrong side which you and Lee never did. God, I miss you guys so much that words and tears couldn't describe, but I know you guys will be around in the shape of my son :') 

Thank you, for making me realize that there's no coincidence in this life.

P. S. You know what.

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Two Shall Become One

My heart goes to those who have their wedding canceled this year due to Covid-19. And to my best friend, Daya, who will make his vow to his beloved wife on my birthday, congratulations! I am extremely grateful and happy for you both, and sad at the same time that I couldn't be there on your happiest day.

Speaking about the wedding, anything that you wish on your wedding day? Anything in mind about how you wish to get married; the person, the decoration, the bible quotes?


I have mine:

Cheesy handwriting and inserting a Cross:


The coffee cup:


In one old church, on bended knee:


Looking at my partner see me crying because he loves me that much:


And the bible quotes:


Wedding decoration to be advised as we never know where we all will be married.


But the things for sure:

  • Marry who loves you in return,
  • Marry who can say "I love you" to you; not only to his/ her friends, to his/ her staffs, or to even his/ her ex staffs, 
  • Marry who wakes up with a smile knowing you are next to him/ her,
  • Marry who understand that your involvement is not about you and controlling but it is for the entire family members, 
  • Marry who are living the present by not keeping tons of his/ her ex pictures and have wishful thinking to still be with that person,
  • Marry the one who's not only able to protect his/ her phone but also protect your heart,
  • Marry the one who speaks up and stands up for yourself not only him/ herself,
  • Marry the hard worker who knows what professional boundaries are,
  • Marry the one who has nothing but a grateful heart of having you in his/ her side through thicks and thins and never gives up about you both.

My Lee was once sending me this :')


Breathe Easy

Lee, I could hear this song nonstop and trying not to cry :') 
I hope you like heaven as Lars does. You guys still need to look after me and mini-me soon.

I love you.


Cruel to the eye
I see the way he makes you smile
Cruel to the eye
Watching him hold what used to be mine
Why did I lie?
Why did I walk away to find
Oh why
Oh why
I can't breathe easy
Can't sleep at night
Till you're by my side
No I can't breathe easy
I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There's no air

Curse me inside
For every word that caused you to cry
Curse me inside
I won't forget, no, I won't baby,
I don't know why (don't know why)
I left the one I was looking to find
Oh why
Oh, why, why

I can't breathe easy
Can't sleep at night
Till you're by my side
No I can't breathe easy (breathe easy)
I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me…

Lyric Source: Google

Lost Without Chew

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Lee!

My God, my fingers are shaking and I couldn't hold my tears. I didn't forget your birthday, I know I should write this on the day of 31 July but hey, saying "Happy Birthday in Heaven" for twice in a row is aching my heart.
I miss you, I miss waking up next to you knowing how happy you are to have me in your life. I miss that wide smile even though your eyes still closed. I miss being loved by you, I miss your non-stop flirting like there's no tomorrow, I miss your stubbornness thinking that you are the one who won the lottery when you got me, I miss your British jokes, I miss your dodgy geordie accent, I miss everything about you, I miss seeing the best of me inside your eyes, Lee. 

Happy Birthday, there's so much to tell, but knowing you're not here anymore is just nonsense for me. As my message for almost every morning after you left, "you gotta get up for me, Lee." 

My hand-scratch on 7 October 2019:


Just because he loves Chewbacca as I do :')


Friday, July 24, 2020

The Pain

There is no relationship that can be fixed if two people not falling in love with each other. Maybe you fix it by love yourself first so you can love someone who loves you in return. 
We are all afraid, don't we? We are all nervous, we are all pickier especially what we do is nothing than protecting our heart so it's not broken again in the future. 
But hey, everybody deserved to love and be loved. 

pict source: Instagram

Or if you can't love someone who loves you in return, at least don't hurt her. Don't hurt him. Because you might end up hurting yourself, too. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

The Muffled Sobs

Do you have someone or place you wish to run into when you are sad, like extremely sad? I have three in my life:

Christie, 
  Christie and I are more than a best friend you could've to imagine. If I can't cry immediately to her, I will listen to Ellie Goulding - Army so then I know she is not that far. I wrote about The Charm of Ellie Goulding last year, but I will quote what Ellie say to her best friend when she made this song, enough to describe my feeling to Christie, too:
"From Ellie: I realized that I had focused a lot of writing on past relationships and it hit me I had never written about my best friend. The person I met in college over ten years ago. The person who was at my very first gig. The person who has seen me at my lowest and the first person I call in muffled sobs when something bad happens. We've been deliriously happy together, deliriously tired, and deliriously sad together. I wanted to show our friendship for what it really is- honest, real, electric. I think about the times we drink together until neither of us can stand. The laughing at our own ridiculousness and foolishness. Comparing our trials and errors; overthinking our break ups and new loves, remembering everything we've been through to get to this point, and being so proud of it. Two girls from Hereford trying our best in the City. We open our hearts up and take risks, but together we are more powerful than ever. We are challenged every day but we see it through and sometimes it feels like we can conquer anything. When I'm with you, I'm standing with an army."

My father,
    Just like what I did last night. I called him and not saying anything until he asks "Adek menangis ya?" (Adek, are you crying?) I said no, I am just feeling unwell. But I know he knows I am sobbing. But it's just enough, enough to let him know that his little girl crying. And I feel so much peace from that. 

My Catholic Church. 
    I sneak out to the church and down on my knees, crying. Not say a thing. And I feel so relieved. Or if Sr. Nena still around, I will visit her as well, crying but say nothing. 


How about you? Do you have someone or place you wish to run to when you are in tears?

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

See Ya Never, Public House!

There are some days we can't really see the best part of people or in things perhaps we are too disappointed. I could say I am extremely happy to finally moving from this house, The Public House. 

I don't really live here until August last year (but I was back and forth to see Gareth and my kids for anywhere I was; money, time, energy are doesn't matter as long as I could see them) that I could feel a bad atmosphere, bad vibes, my emotional feeling burn easily, my mind is unpeaceful most of the time, the bad memories and for sure bad Fengshui. Some friends saying it's too bad to move from here, it is spacious with a beautiful garden, decent pool, and spacious house. 

I gave them my usual flat face or sarcasm laugh that they will recognize how I love the house - NOT. 

It's a Public House; even an idiot creating it in Google Maps: "Gareth's Place", everybody have keys, everybody has access, everybody has a privilege to not having a manner (not even a basic manner to respect the owner of the house: Gareth, 2016 - 2020). During my presence in that house, there are too many things that upsetting me. Upsetting me more because as usual, it is bleed my heart for every time people taking Gareth's kindness for granted and for every time Gareth decides to just let them do it. Don't ask me, ask Gareth.

I lost some money that I couldn't tell who take it, because again, everybody has their key. Even the last time the builder leaves the key outside the door, what an idiot. 

House Maid who never really doing her job, she cleans the house while eating oily food and listen to the music in her ears and surely spray the TV with window cleaner, well done!

Pool Cleaner letting a stranger in without my permission, I caught them talking and laughing they didn't know I came from upstairs I asked who are you and why you let him in? They'd be like he's checking Biznet while that time not TV nor our internet are broken. And as we know, even after lots of complain, Biznet guy never come easily! So fuck off you two. He also making trouble with Roxy and the Snuggle Bug that I don't know why my kids didn't like him at all suddenly. He took my keys without permission and returning it without saying a word, too, after around 10 days, oh don't forget he wants to borrow some money as well. However, it's just hard to talk with this guy, it's like a big hole in his brain that whatever we say he didn't get it. It's tiring, really. 

Dog Walker, this is hilarious. He comes anytime he wants without any proper schedule that he has to follow. Even funnier when Gareth not happy with it, instead of complaint directly to him, he talks in his back to me and still hahaha hehehe to him. He thinks he owns the house, he borrows money as well for sure, he let someone in to take the mattress without saying anything even though they see me standing in front of them, didn't flush the toilet God knows how many times, throw cigarette butts wherever he wants, not washing the glass he uses, never throw the trashes he has, never ring a bell when he comes or hello and there is time he came into our room when I am half-naked as well, yep, he opens the fucking door without knocking it. 

The Useless Manager, this is a total clown or circus player, you name it. She always thinks she is the best staff and best friend of Gareth that she didn't even have F & B Skills to work for. She got the key for sure, she is the one who gives Gareth reference how we got the Snuggle Bug from and always claim that she is the Goddamn Mom of my Snuggle Bug. Delusional. Disgusting. Disrespect. She stays in the house quite often especially when I am not around with lots of excuses, broken leg, look after the kids, hosting her friends, etc. She brings her friends (other circus players) who will take the whole video and picture of our kids in the entire area of the house with the exact address where we living and posting it in Social Media. She sleeps in our bed, sending so many selfie pictures, they leave many personal belongings such as tampon and toiletries. Let me repeat: Delusional. Disgusting. Disrespect. Her friends who not knowing to look after the dogs will drag my boy in the staircase, carry them for the sake of the pictures, and so on and so on. They also have late-night karaoke with loudspeaker volume up till 2:30 AM with the situation our kids still awake. One of her friends for sure who have no pride as a woman visits a few time, she knows Gareth not available but then who cares; she wants a white guy, free food, free drinks, free prints, money to ladder her and family in her village perhaps. It's like give me a break, if you are a hostess then work your ass off will you? Instead of being proud "intermezzo" and then claim that the guy is cheating and uses you. Hold on, why are you here in the first place, clearly your amateur slutty skills need improvement. So definitely, this Useless Manager and her friends are having the same no manners habit in their life. Ew. But don't worry, we take care of this shit already.

Some of Gareth friends; not everybody is assholes, some of them are beautiful people I can hang out with and have no problem at all at home, they respect Gareth as the owner, they been very clean and tidy and look after the house for sure. But, we also found some of them didn't care, they stay and being dirty, leave broken condom in the drawer even Ice Cream stick, they smoke inside the house, they leave their belonging as well, they speak without attitude, one of them brought two different hookers in only four days during pandemic (and I have to sit next to them, ew!) and yes this is where I met the trashy Dutch who have a plan to steal Roxy when I am away and this is the place where the trashy American playing hero to Gareth and acts like he knows me, knows Gareth and our story 2000% while he knows NOTHING and guess what, even though we have our friends who actually know me, Gareth or us more than he does, NO ONE, NOT ONE SINGLE SOUL decides to cross the lines as he did. But don't worry again, we take care of another shit like this. 

Honestly, I am so grateful that my people are positive people who always positively supporting me or us and see the best in us most of the time and know what boundaries are. Life could be this simple you know: mind your own business, I mind mine, we mind ours. Anyway.

And last but not least, the lady who last year claims that she owns the items of furniture of the house. Here are the things, Gareth bought all of them already from her ex-partner (who deals with Gareth since 2016 and he is the tenant of that Public House), and suddenly last year she visits the house when I am not around, and ask Gareth if she can take them back for free. From only 1 bed base 200 x 200, it ends up to 1 bed base 200 x 200, 1 bed base 160 x 200, 2 wardrobes, 3 desk shelves, 1 aircon, 1 dining table with 4 chairs with all the cushions. 

OH, she also asking more aircon and sofa that Gareth that not even buy from her ex-partner. Unfuckingbeliavable. In this pandemic, while everybody is tight with finance she asks for free and Gareth gives them all to her (except our 2 aircon and sofa), what extortion!

Apart from that, we also have lots of strangers comes to the house without making an appointment, or pretend that they are coming to wrong address, the loud noise hostel in front of the house and loud noise banging from the cargo company next door, the drunken people who are too loud and throw the trash in our parking area, etc, etc. I mean, enough is enough, right?

You guys must think we are not doing anything. Nah, not really, we had ugly days facing these people and facing these days but I always believe in Karma. It is a territory of the Universe that no one can against that. Karma is always on time, they never late, they never too early as well. And I hope we are all can learn that it is okay not to forgive people and create boundaries instead. It is okay to not have a great image of a nice person as long as we could stand up and speak up for ourself, it is okay to just be humble of what we could afford instead of faking around with our snobbiness to impress people, and hey, it is okay to live in a tiny house but it is a homie place and it is a homie feeling :')


Thank you Public House, as Gareth said, it was once our safest place to be with roof, bed, and food on the table. 

And thank you Gareth, for not only providing a house but putting extra effort to create a homie feeling with loots of blessing in our new place without repeating the bad experience from the past.

- We don't look back in anger - 




                                                         Goodbye, I will see you NEVER!